What's a girl to do?

The County Fair begins on Friday and there are just so many exciting events that I don't know what day I should go!!!


Here are my top three choices, but they're all on different days:




Which day should I go? A little help please!!

Slang Project - Entry No. 94

to follow through, v., to have an unexpected bowel movement while passing gas or immediately afterwards

Small Town Excitement

At our local mall, we have a Borders Express. The only advantage of a Borders Express over a regular Borders Store is that the Express always has a "Literature Classics" section. I like to browse this section.



Today I found that they had 4 copies of the novel Ethan Frome. I tried to muffle my laughter as all the copies were incorrectly shelved under F for Frome rather than under W for Wharton. Can you believe it! Someone thought the book was named Edith Wharton and written by Ethan Frome!

When I could finally control myself, I went up to the help desk and asked the lady if she could help me find a book I was looking for. I told her it was titled "George Eliot" and that its author was Silas Marner.

After a few keystrokes she informed me of my "error." I told her that I was certain that the book was called "George Eliot" and there was no mistaking it.

She said they had the book Silas Marner written by George Eliot, but that was all. Would I like to see that book, she asked as she was already coming out from behind the counter to lead me to the "Classic Literature" section.

I told her that she was being rude. I asked if making a sale was all she cared about because she obviously didn't care whether I was getting the book I was interested in. I didn't want some other stupid book, yet there she was trying to trick me into buying it. I told her I'd be taking my business elsewhere and stormed out.

Small town life can be pretty intense sometimes. I hope they learned their lesson!

Dolphins may be highly intelligent...

...but they pose no imminent threat to the inevitability of world domination by humans. We finally got one!!!

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- The long-threatened Yangtze River dolphin in China is probably extinct, according to an international team of researchers who said this would mark the first whale or dolphin to be wiped out due to human activity.

Entire Article: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/08/china.dolphin.reut/index.html

Cetacean intelligence is no match for human ingenuity. We need not live in fear of Odontoceti any longer. Mankind is king!

Slang Project - Entry No. 93

ass flowers, n., hemorrhoids

Latest Marijuana Study

A recent marijuana study:

Smoking one cannabis joint is as harmful to a person's lungs as having up to five cigarettes, according to research published on Tuesday.

Of course, that was the lead in and the line that will no doubt be quoted by DARE and other anti-drug crusaders. Actually the study found:

The effect on the lungs of each joint was equivalent to smoking between 2.5 and five cigarettes in one go.

Not as bad sounding as the first figure, but still not too healthy.

Upon reflection, something seems off here. Of course I have no experience with marijuana, but my understanding based on movies and rap lyrics is that usually a person does not smoke an entire joint by him/herself in one sitting. A smoker who smokes a pack a day would be equivalent to a stoner who smokes 4 to 8 joints in a day. I've known some stoners, but 8 joints seems really hardcore. Maybe I'm just naive...

The entire news article can be found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20052489/

Finally I Got Her Good

"I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" she asks.

Where do I begin? I can't say anything. I tell myself to hold my tongue; I even bite deep into the sides of it, possibly drawing blood, so nothing can accidentially roll off, but before she can leave I hear myself. "We're out of A.1." Goddammit! Please don't hear that.

"Okay," she answers and that is that.

An hour or two later: What do I get when she gets home? KC Masters Honey BBQ Sauce.

"Where's the A.1.?" I ask.

"The other was cheaper."

"But it's not A.1."

"It's the same thing. It was cheaper."

There is no A.1. until I do the shopping the next week and get it myself. The KC Masters crap is still unopened in our cupboard like so many other food stuffs Angie bought on sale. So much for saving money.

Sadly, this is my life. When Angie shops:

I ask for a porterhouse or filet and she brings home a chopped steak.
I ask for papertowels and she brings picnic napkins.
I ask for Gatorade and she brings apple juice.
I ask for provolone and she gets pepperjack.
And so on and so on.

Why? It was cheaper. It was on sale. It's really just the same thing. One of these three answers every time.

I went shopping yesterday. Before I left, I asked, "Do you need anything?"

"Tampons."

"Anything else."

"No. Just alot of them."

When I got home, she went through the bags and asked where the tampons were. "Did you forget them? 'Cause I really need the now."

"Yeah, they're in the chips bag."

She dug in the bag and then dropped it on the table, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me, unamused.

"What's that," she asked.

"Your tampons."

"There are no tampons in that bag."

"Yeah, I got you cotton balls and twine. Alot of them. It was cheaper." And they were.

I'm sleeping in the attic tonight, but that's okay. I'm also in charge of laundry tomorrow but I don't mind. I think I won. I'm willing to take bets that the next time I ask her for mayo there is no chance that she is going to return with a jar of Miracle Whip. Is it worth it? Goddamn right it's worth it. Who the fuck would use Miracle Whip for anything except jacking off with and I much prefer Crisco. And only I buy the Crisco, that's the way it's always been and always will be.

Fun In The Classroom - No. 8

NOTE: This prank is for teachers/professors to play on a student.

Every semester you have at least one of those students who goes to the bathroom almost every class period. It doesn't matter whether your teaching a 2 hour class or a 50 minute class, he/she leaves right in the middle of your lecture to use the lavatory. Here's how to get back at him/her:

1. At the end of the day when all classes are finished and there are no more students in the building, go to the restroom that the offending student would use.
2. Make sure that the restroom is empty. (You could be arrested if it isn't.)
3. Video tape the empty restroom for about 5 minutes, trying to get the widest, highest angle possible. (If it is a single toilet restrooom, point the camera at that toilet.)4. The next time you have class and the student leaves to use the restroom, play the video you recorded and instruct the class to laugh at the student when he/she returns.
5. As the student re-enters the classroom, quickly turn off the video, quiet the other students, and resume lecturing.

*If the student tries to question you about what has just happened, inform him/her that it is his/her responsibility to get the notes from another student after class.

Slang Project - Entry No. 92

bladder basher, n., a large penis (British slang)

Strange News

Was surfing MSNBC and came across this article:

NAACP delegates 'bury' N-word in ceremony

A very strange stunt. You think they would've finally buried the "C-word" because who calls African-Americans "colored" anymore but instead the went for "National." Reading the article confused me even more, but I guess they are upset with our country, probably because of Bush's leadership.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said, "We gather burying all the things that go with the N-word. We have to bury the 'pimps' and the 'hos' that go with it." What a dim view of America. The US is so much more than that. What about all the positive things like McDonald's or Walmart. I'll admit some things are going downhill, but I don't know anyone who would automatically associate "National" with "pimps" and "hos." Mayor Kilpatrick went on to say, "Die, N-word, and we don't want to see you 'round here no more."

Wow.

Heads up to my readers, remember that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is now the Association for the Advancement of Colored People or AACP.And they seem very serious about not being associated with the N-word so watch out when addressing them.

Also, doesn't it seem weird that they print "National" sometimes but then use "N-word" at others? I wish they'd be consistent.

Slang Project - Entry No. 91

Sawbones, n., a physician or, more specifically, a surgeon

"The people who had turned out were the girl's own family; and pretty soon, the doctor, for whom she had been sent put in his appearance. Well, the child was not much the worse, more frightened, according to the Sawbones; and there you might have supposed would be an end to it." (Robert Lewis Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 1886)

"What, don't you know what a Sawbones is, Sir," enquired Mr. Weller; "I thought everybody know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon." (Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1837)

Chinese Menu

Not to pick on the Chinese, but this menu just seems beyond careless:

1. Okay, so they missed a space between "of" and "soup."

2. Paultry does not sound yummy.

3. Not a mistake, just such a great name for a dish that I had to point it out.

4. Trple? I feel cheated.

5. Admittedly this is very picky, but a period needs to go after "Thurs" and no period is needed after "Sunday."




6. A comlination? And what is in "wonto" soup?

7. Mmm, tasty "beveraye." Sounds French.

FYI, "Shirley Temple" is Sprite with grenadine syrup; "Sherry Temple" is a girl with stringy hair that I used to finger-bang.

Is it really a virgin daiquiri if there is strawBEERy in it? (Now that is a very lame joke, and you are welcomed to make fun of me for it!)

In their defense, the food is good.

For Reals?

Are they trying to be funny? Are they racist? Is it simply a well-placed error? The following is a headline from an MSNBC article:

Tainted Chinese goods could lead to trade war
American like cheap prices, but toy, food contamination raise fears

Yes, I likes cheap prices, too! Here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19489213/.

Wonder how long until them catches it and fix it.

Slang Project - Entry No. 89 & 90

quiffing, v., rogering. See to roger.

to roger, v., to bull, or lie with a woman; from the name of Roger being frequently given to a bull.

Quoted directly from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.

People I Despise

I have always been told that you shouldn't hate anyone. But we all know that there are people who get under our skin and irritate us to no end. This is one person from my ongoing, ever-growing list of people that I despise.

Tom Bergeron, Current Host of AFV

Of course no one could ever replace Bob Saget, but even Daisy Fuentes & John Fugelsang weren't half as offensive as this asshole! I'd imagine that it's the easiest job in the world, but every week he manages to fuck up introducing the funniest videos from across this great land. Can you ruin the inherent hilarity in a woman smacking her face into a lightpost and then snapping it to the ground? He can, and for that I hate him!

Fun In The Classroom - No. 7

1. Fill your underwear with Rice Krispies cereal.

2. Halfway through class pee your pants.*

3. If asked, explain that you have no idea why snaps, crackles, and pops are coming from your crotch, but it has been itchy down there lately and you recently had unprotected sex with a stranger.

*Works best during an intense exam or other time when the room is silent.

Slang Project - Entry No. 88

breeder, n., a heterosexual (derogatory; from gay slang)

TV's Educational Value!

Flipping through the channels and I saw a new commercial for Secret deodorant. Apparently they've reformulated with Secret Clinical Strength. The press release:
"New Secret® Clinical Strength is an antiperspirant clinically proven to provide prescription-strength wetness protection for the most demanding body chemistries. It contains a triple-action technology that provides three unique layers of protection."

I had no idea that there were prescription deodorants available but there really are! That is some pretty mind-blowing stuff. Somebody at the FDA had to sit down and decide that these deodorants were too intense for the general public and that only a doctor could give you permission to use them. I'm trying to imagine that doctor's visit.

Me: "Yeah, I have an appointment."
Receptionist: "What's the reason for your seeing doctor today?"
Me: "B.O."
Receptionist: "Would you please wait outside until doctor is ready to see you?"

More importantly thought, why is the prescription necessary? If used incorrectly, will your sweat glands sustain permanent damage? Is there a dependency issue where users start abusing the deodorant, putting it on three or even four times an hour? Can you smoke that shit and catch a buzz?

They definitely got my attention with their ad. I went to their website, read independent customer reviews, and even learned that it is aluminum free (yay!). Sounds very interesting and made me think about the deodorant I use. I pick stuff that smells good and has a colorful label. I never gave it much more thought than that. I think I'm going to have to pick up a stick of this stuff next time I'm out though. I'll change deodorants for a cheap high.

Truth in Advertising

I went to a Chinese restaurant and got chopsticks.


The statement on the wrapper reminded me of my server.


Even the capitalization is way off.

The instructions on the back are direct and to the point:


Step number two (see arrow) is especially helpful.

Slang Project - Entry No. 87

loading the dishwasher, phr., getting one's wife or live-in girlfriend drunk

Slang Project - Entry No. 86

got a lawn, phr., a phrase used to describe a person who has bought into suburban, middle-class life and/or has chosen to be a responsible adult at the expense of having fun

Chicken of the Sea

I love Hamburger Helper! As I was cleaning out the cupboards yesterday, I found a large stash of Hamburger Helpers and the like tucked away in the corner, so for dinner tonight I made Tuna Helper.
As I was cooking, I got to thinking about the last time I had Tuna Helper. It's been quite awhile. I used to love Tuna Helper: it's much easier and cheaper to make than Hamburger or Chicken Helper but I would guess I haven't had Tuna Helper since I moved to Vegas. Really?

I thought about it and realized that I was correct, and in fact I haven't had any tuna products since I moved to Vegas. Why was that? I couldn't think of a reason for it. Tuna is so easy to prepare, it's healthy, and it never goes bad. Do they stock it in a strange aisle here? Is it hard to get in the desert? Did I forget it existed?

As I sat down to eat, the first bite quickly reminded me. I gave up on tuna a while ago. Tuna just hasn't tasted as good since they made it "Dolphin Safe." Why do they got to go and change a good thing? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Slang Project - Entry No. 85

quail pipe, n., a woman's tongue

Taken from Nathan Bailey's Canting Dictionary, 1736. This book was published in London in 1737 and collected and defined language used by thieves, cheats, convicts, highwaymen, and other morally dubious characters.

Double Standard

According to MySpace's Terms & Conditions for usage, hate speech is not allowed on their site. An excerpt:

Content/Activity Prohibited. The following is a partial list of the kind of Content that is illegal or prohibited to post on or through the MySpace Services. MySpace.com reserves the right to investigate and take appropriate legal action against anyone who, in MySpace.com's sole discretion, violates this provision, including without limitation, removing the offending communication from the MySpace Services and terminating the Membership of such violators. Prohibited Content includes, but is not limited to Content that, in the sole discretion of MySpace.com:

1. is patently offensive and promotes racism, bigotry, hatred or physical harm of any kind against any group or individual

You can read all their policies here: http://www.myspace.com/Modules/Common/Pages/TermsConditions.aspx

However, groups like **Fuck the KKK** (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/thekkksucks), International Anti-Nazi Organization (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/iano), and I Hate Racists (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/nocolor) are allowed to exist on MySpace with impunity. I sent a couple of emails to Tom and the staff pointing out these hate sites that were in violation of their policy but they are all still up. The only one that was taken down was the fourth one I pointed out to them: -The final solution-(neo-nazi organization) (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/finalsolutionnazis). It disappeared later the same day. Try going to this group's site and see for yourself.

My point is not that I'm a racist but that I believe in equality for ALL, not just some. If MySpace does not allow hate speech, then NO group that promotes hatred of another group of people should be allowed.

I realize that this site belongs to MySpace and it is up to their "sole discretion" as to what promotes hatred, but I think it is representative of a major flaw in the culture at large. In school, on the television, in the news, etc., we are repeatedly pounded with the idea that we must be tolerant of others. We may not agree with them, but it is simply "different strokes for different folks" and we must accept that. However, anyone who is intolerant will not be tolerated! That's the big exception to the rule and it seems everyone is comfortable with that. Isaiah Washington has been chastised and shunned by his fellow actors. Tim Hardaway was banned from NBA All-Star activities. Imus was fired from radio. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that there is something really wrong here? This is not tolerance that the culture is preaching; it is something else. Something twisted and intolerant.

Not only did they give me a degree...

UNLV also sent me this email. Can you spot the stupidity?

UNLV Senior Adult Theatre Program Presents "The Monodrama Project" May 23-27

The UNLV Senior Adult Theatre Program presents "The Monodrama Project," 10-minute, original one-person shows written by the playwright, at 8 p.m. May 23-26 and at 2 p.m. May 27 in the Paul Harris Theatre, located in the Alta Ham Fine Arts Building on the UNLV campus. Tickets are $5 and available at the UNLV Performing Arts Center Box Office or by calling 895-ARTS (2787).

Silly-willy school, plays are always written by the playwrights. Three cheers for the alma mater.

Slang Project - Entry No. 84

cat-heads, n., a woman's breasts

Taken from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.

103 Questions

One of those stupid survey bulletins that people post. Thought I'd give it a try today. You may notice that there are not 103 questions here, but that's the way it came to me. Fucking surveys...
103 Questions People Wouldn't Ask

001. When's the last time you ran?
About half an hour ago; I-- keeps me running all day.

002. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Not really, unless you count the bottoms.

003. What are you reading right now?
Dante's Purgatorio.

004. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Fifth Amendment.

006. Favorite ice cream?
Daiquiri Ice

007. When was your last doctor's visit?
A few weeks ago

008. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Not usually.

010. "First Loves Are Never Over;" is this true for you?
I don't know; depends on my mood.

011. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
In a second just so I could get away from my current.

012. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would they find you wearing?
Boxers & a t-shirt

014. Have you ever been on your school's track team?
Yes.

015. Do you own a pair of Converse?
Yes.

017. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes!

018. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
Yes, and I'm proud to say I've done a lot worse to one also. But I never had sex with one if that's what you're thinking.

019. Last text message was from whom, and when?
Today from B---.

020. What are you doing right now?
Taking this survey. Ha, ha. Betcha never heard that one a million times.

021. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
No, I'm not fucking retarded.

022. How do you eat your Oreos?
Don't like Oreos although sometimes I'll eat the icing and throw the cookie away.

023. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
No, but I've stayed online for a very long time waiting to cum...but we've all done that.

024. Are you cocky?
Sometimes...especially if I've been drinking.

030. Could you live without a computer?
Yes.

031. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
No.

033. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real?
Fuck! About 20 seconds ago.

034. In your house- How many house phones:
4 and I've never answered a single one of them.

035. What do you do when you're sad?
Replace the lightbulb in the garage.

036. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Nobody because I hate the phone. I would leave my wife though!

037. Last time you saw your best friend?
A few days ago.

040. Who or what sleeps with you?
A--- and occassionally a baby or three.

041. Are you/have you ever been in love?
I have been in the past.

042. Pancakes or french toast?
Fench toast

043. How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled with cheese

044. Are you in high school?
No.

045. Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Oh yes! But don't worry, if you can read this then it is not you.

046. What jewelry are you wearing?
Does a cockring count?

047. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Check email.

049. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
No.

050. How do most people spell your name?
Correctly.

051. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes?
I do.

054. Where do you work?
All of me works except I do wear glasses.

056. What are you doing tomorrow?
Class. Maybe a vending machine.

057. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
How the fuck would I know?

058. Favorite name for a girl?
Ixy

059. Favorite name for a boy?
Ixy

060. Will you keep your own last name when you get married?
Yes, I did.

061. Your favorite restaurant you don't get to eat much at?
DeStefano's.

062. When is the last time you left your house?
Yesterday.

066. How do you eat your steak?
Medium

067. Do you return your cart?
Yes.

069. Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes, she's 10.

070. What noise do you hear?
Baby crying

071. Would you survive in prison?
Probably not.

072. Next concert you hope to go to?
Neil Young.

073. What was the last thing you ate?
A Triscuit.

075. Who is the youngest in your family?
S--.

076. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would be most likely to over pack?
J----.

077. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Yes. And people call him Brett.

078. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
4 or 5.

080. When is the last time you ate peanut butter?
I don't know.

082. What's for dinner?
Pasta

083. What's the last thing you purchased?
Gas.

084. Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you?
No.

087. What brand are your pants right now?
Hanes.

088. Ever been to Georgia?
Yes. Even have relatives there!

089. Did you do breakfast this morning?
No.

090. Do you like marshmallows?
Yes, and I love to roast.

091. What irritates you most on the internet?
Surveys that are deceptively titled "103 Questions People Wouldn't Ask" when there are less than 80 actual questions!!

092. What brand is your digital camera?
Sony

093. Do you watch movies with your parents?
No.

096. What song best describes your life right now?
I have no clue

097. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne?
Ha.

098. Are you taking college classes right now?
Yes.

101. Do you like sushi?
Yes.

102. Do you get your hair cut every month?
Nope, but I just did last week.

103. Do you go online everyday?
Almost. I'd definitely get online more often though if people would send me more surveys because that's exciting!

There! Feel free to take the survey yourself and post the results as a comment. Also be sure to send it to all your friends so they can read your answers and then take it themselves. If we work together, we can change the world through our conscientious survey taking!

Button, button. Who's got the button?

In a newer elevator I found:


I need to know what it does! Could it be that we've harvested the power of mother nature? Would it drop California into the sea? Am I on Candid Camera? I so wanted to push it, but I am already responsible for one earthquake (don't ask) and I don't think my conscience could handle a second one. Still, if anyone's bored and wants to go on a short field trip with me...

Slang Project - Entry No. 83

redd up, v., to clean or put things in order; to tidy up

(Comes from northern WV, eastern OH, and western PA area slang)

10 Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I agree with the pizza box which says that Papa John's Gift Cards are great gifts for any occassion.

2. Pink was my favorite color for a number of years because I misunderstood a line in Superman the Movie. (It was the underwear he was talking about.)

3. I am in love with Rachel Miner.

4. I still have never punched out Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out even though I told my friends that I did.

5. I thought tissues could be flushed away the same way toilet paper can be until just a few years ago.

6. I really wanted to be a Marine for a number of years.

7. My favorite number is -5.

8. I estimate the I have spent well over 372 hours considering the problems and flaws with time travel as presented in the Back to the Future trilogy.

9. When I get drunk, I love to confess things.

10. I am drunk right now.

Slang Project - Entry No. 82

Adam's Pajamas or Adam's P.J.'s, n., synonym for the nude human body; the state of complete nudity (from gay slang)

A Sign

Twins

The twins are coming soon but they haven't come yet. I hope they come tonight.

Even more specifically, I hope they are born close to midnight, with one being born before 12 and the other being born after. This way they will be twins with two different birthdays.

This is not a completely unique or an original idea, as I've actually met a twin born 10 minutes before his brother and on a different day because of the whole midnight thing. However, today is very special because it is February 28, and that means if one is born today and the other on March 1 then on leap years there will be an entire day between the two. That does sound like fun and unique.

Even better, the twins will turn 21 in the year 2028. That is a leap year. The first twin would legally be allowed to drink, go to bars, and gamble a full 48 hours before the other! How's that for sibling rivalry?

Stroking My Ego

Some things you may not know about me but probably should.

I counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.

If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.

I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.

I can unscramble an egg.

My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".

I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.

I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.

When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.

I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.

I lost my virginity before my dad did.

I do not sleep. I wait.

I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.

I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.

I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

What an unoriginal bastard I am.

Grammar 101

What's wrong with this article?

Spears Out of Rehab Again

"Troubled pop star Britney Spears has reportedly left a rehabilitation facility in Malibu, California, less than 24 hours after checking in. This is the second time in a week that the star has left a treatment center after less than one day - according to news website Tmz.com, Spears left Promises treatment Center early yesterday morning. According to further media reports, Spears tried to get into a tattoo parlor before returning to her home, but the shop was closed. On Friday, she shaved her head bald at a hair salon and then hit the Body & Soul Tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks, California, where she got a pink, black and white cross on her hip and pink and red lips on her wrist. She checked herself into Crossroads Center, a treatment facility founded by musician Eric Clapton last Wednesday, only to check out the following day."

I'll give you a hint, the Crossroads Centre has been around longer than a week. I teach my students the importance of commas and word order, but you'd think that a writer for an internationally syndicated news network would already know this stuff.

Target Audience

The waste that is produced from marketing by mail appalls me. Not only do I have to throw away handfuls of ads every time I open my mailbox, but half of them are addressed to some guy named "Current Resident" who doesn't even live here!


Sometimes, however, I am more surprised by what is addressed to me. Take this postcard for example:

Yes, that came for me. Why? I've never had a period nor do I expect to get one and if I did I've decided I'd have a light to moderate flow anyway. The only criteria I fit is that I am between 18 and 49 years old.

So I called and they hung up on me. I think it was comment about bleeding like a stuck pig with the Stigmata of Christ and ruining my white polyester pants. The lady on the phone didn't believe me.

Ending Hunger in America

People should not go hungry in the US. Ever! In fact, if you are over the age of 16 it's downright impossible. If you ever find yourself without food or means to buy food, you could kill someone. After you turn yourself in, you will receive free food and lodging.

(Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. Brett is not suggesting you commit a crime in order to eat, simply pointing out that it is one way to avoid starvation.)

Slang Project- Entry No. 81

winter bush
1. n., a politically correct alternative term for "Christmas tree"
2. n., a politically incorrect term for extra hair growth a woman has in her bikini area and the top of her thighs during the cold season because she knows she will not be wearing shorts for the next 4 months

Wikipedia

It seems like it's getting harder and harder to find a fucked up article on Wikipedia. I remember only a few years ago when the most popular articles were vandalized on a daily basis, but now it seems like a pretty legit site. Someone's been taking care of it.

For the first time in about three months I came across a messed up entry. Three whole months without a misstep! I love 'em and kinda miss 'em, so here it is. Enjoy.

The entry is Carvel.

(Just in case it has been changed, I've pasted the article below.)

Carvel is an ice cream franchise owned by FOCUS Brands, Inc. – Carvel is well-known for its soft serve ice cream, its round Flying titties ice cream gangbang, and its ice cream cakes (including Fudgie the Cock, Hug-Me Penis, and Cookie Pussy - only available in the franchised stores). In addition to their franchised locations, Celebration Foods produces ice cream cakes for supermarket sales; however, the cakes destined for the supermarkets are produced in a factory, warehoused and shipped all over the country, and as such are not as fresh as those found in franchise stores. The stores can also customize their freshly made cakes in a variety of ways, such as flavor changes or putting photo images on cakes.

Carvel traces its origins to 1929, when founder Tom Carvel began operating an ice cream truck. When the truck broke down in Hartsdale, New York in 1934, Carvel set up shop at the site of the breakdown and by 1936, he had founded the Carvel Corporation and developed a secret soft-serve ice cream formula containing male ejaculant for extra yummy flavor.

Carvel is headquartered in Atlanta, GA. If you are a nigger we don't like you. (Current as of 9:35pm on 2/18/7)

FYI - I had nothing to do with the entry. I really love to surf Wikipedia, but I have yet to add anything to the site. Just reporting what I found.

Anna Nicole

When I first heard the news Thursday night, I was happy. No, I was really happy. I was super duper happy. Good riddance to bad garbage. It always embarassed me when I saw her on TV because I knew that she probably evolved from the same apes that the rest of us did.

However, upon some reflection, I've started changing my mind about it all. Five days later and she is still monopolizing all the News outlets and that is really sad. Do we need an E! Special already? I wish she was still alive so she could just fade away into oblivion like any other decent no-talent piece of shit media whore would. RIP.

The stunning Anna Nicole at the peak of her "career."

Shazam!

I don't read many comic books, but I still have my favorites from when I was a kid. I loved Excaliber, She-Hulk, and all incarnations of Flash Gordon, and whenever I go into a comic book store I love to see what classics they've got. Another title I check up on is Shazam! I loved Shazam! when I was younger, especially the Saturday morning cartoon.

Shazam! is the name of the series, but the hero's name is actually Captain Marvel. When DC comics bought the rights to this comic in the 70's from a defunct Fawcett Publishing and started the series back up after a hiatus of 30 years, Marvel Comics had already trademarked the name and Shazam! became the new comic title. It's tough to find the older comic (Captain Marvel) but I recently found an issue from the 1940's and was surprised by the cover.


I cannot believe how prevalent and accepted racism was by my grandparents' generation. They were called the Greatest Generation but somehow the name doesn't quite seem appropriate.

Slang Project - Entry No. 80

texan, n., a man with a large penis, usually over 7" but this can vary according to individual experience

(Note that "texan" used in this way is not capitalized.)

Etymology of a Boyfriend

Younger brothers and sisters seem to race through significant others faster than cell phone minutes, so I never bother learning their names until they've been around for at least three major holidays. Kodiak, my sister's current boyfriend, is an exception because I've already committed his name to memory and I only just met him at Christmas.

His real name is T.W., but we (Rain and I, that is) call him Kodiak. I think what makes him stand out is how he got his name from us.

I've know a few T.J.'s, two B.J.'s, three T.S.'s, a J.T., a J.R., a D.J., and even a C.W. from high school, but I've never even heard of a T.W. Neither have most people and it was hard trying to remember this especially after a hefty dose of eggnog. Christmas Eve consisted of quite a few mix-ups when relatives and I tried to address him. He was called by every one of the above initial names and just about every other combination of two letters you can make from our alphabet.

By Christmas morning, his name had morphed into three letters. DDT, IBM, AAA, NIN, etc. Somebody once even called him 4-H Club, but the name that stuck was ATV.

A day or two went by and ATV turned into brand names. All week he was either Kawasaki or Honda. He was Yamaha by New Year's Eve. And after the champagne cork broke the chandelier, Yamaha turned into Kodiak because Kodiak is the name of the big Yamaha ATV.

So TW is now Kodiak and whether he sticks around or not, we will remember him.

PETA

The other day a friend came out to me as being a member of PETA. Now I admit I had always suspected it but I tried my best to avoid actually knowing. I immediately went into mourning and during one of my crying fits I remembered the letter PETA had sent me about a month ago. It was a survey.

So I filled it out as best I could, but something irked me. Mainly, the second side:

What a bunch of assholes! They don't even give you a choice for Question 10. As you can see I had to hand write my answer because the only boxes for checking assume you answer "Yes." To top it all off, they have the nerve to give a "FREE" gift of a subscription and a book for $16. Free for $16. What the fuck?! It's stupid shit like this that keeps me wearing fur.

*Please note that I answered "Possibly" to Question 9 only because of the "particularly if there were health benefits" part.

Superbowl Party

I was invited to a Superbowl party and got all excited. I love parties and Superbowl parties are the best! I couldn't wait for this weekend! Finally good times!

But then the invitation was suddenly rescinded. All my friends are gonna be there but I can't go. I'm sad.

GI Joe

If I had to have sex with a GI Joe, again I mean if my life and the lives of those people I care about depended on it, I'd fuck Zandar, brother of the better known Zartan. Zandar is always dressed to party with the trademark baby blue handband and showing off those beautiful six-pack abs. Sure he has a temper, but not a bad one, and since big brother Zartan is almost always around and just as cute, a threesome is a distinct possiblility. Yum!

Zandar

Zartan

FYI - Zartan has a condition that causes his skin to turn green in direct sunlight. How many people can say they had sex with a green person? I'd be one.

Slang Project - Entry No. 79

bareback, v., to have sex without using a condom

Lawsuit

It turns out that 3 out of 4 personal injury lawyers here in Vegas say that I cannot sue a toilet paper company just because their product ripped in the middle of my using it. The 4th lawyer said I could sue claiming a defective product but that my winnings from Charmin would not be enough to interest her in my case. She suggested I simply call the comment/complaint number on the package and see if they will send me a coupon for replacement. Free toilet paper is great but what about my pain and suffering?

My Little Pony

If I had to have sex with a My Little Pony, I mean if my life and the lives of those people I care about depended on it, I'd fuck Windy because Windy has a clear, level-headed personality and a nice gallop. Also the horn looks appealing.

Windy

Slang Project - Entry No. 78

butter face, n., a woman with an attractive body and a not-so-attractive face

(From: "She has awesome body, but her face is ugly.")

"We do chicken right!"

A placemat from KFC. I got this while I was eating at an A&W / Long John Silver's, not at a KFC. I know they have the same owners, but that just seems careless.
Lots of cute little statements:
Yeah, I believe that one.


Time-honored? KFC just turned 50 a few years ago. My dad's older than that!


Rare usage of the word plate. I admit I'm impressed.


Okay, you got me. What are authentic kitchen methods? Are there some inauthentic kitchen methods out there?

Time Saving Tip #7

When going to see a parade, walk in the opposite direction of the way the parade is marching. This will appear to speed up the parade while still allowing you to see the whole thing. Depending on your walking speed, you can cut the time spent watching in half or better!

NOTE: Take care not to walk in the wrong direction. This will make the parade unbearably long and you will only see one part of it.

Slang Project - Entry No. 77

brown sugar, n., heroin

Conserving Water

It seems to be more of a small town problem rather than a plague of larger urban areas. Life is a little bit slower, neighborhoods are a little bit safer, and homemakers are a little bit more creative. Yes, I'm talking about putting small plants on the back of toilets or in other strategic locations in and around the guest bathroom. It's a nice decoration, rustic and cozy, and it does its part to help hide odors on normal occasions. But there is a darker side - you need to watch out when throwing a party, especially if alcohol is involved.

After a few beers, guests are gripped be the unrelenting urge to "water" the bathroom plant. It's drying out right in front of them, the door is locked for privacy, and the drunken feeling of goodwill to all men and other living things is almost tangible.

I must admit I felt this on more than a few occasions at a Christmas Eve Party last night and did my part. And I was releived to find that I was not alone. Even during my first trip to the bathroom, I noticed a small puddle forming underneath the fern's basket. You should've seen how much it grew as the night wore on and the eggnog dissappeared. Merry Christmas!

Slang Project - Entry No. 76

Technicolor yawn, n., vomit

Is Faster Better?

I'll preface the following by telling you I was looking for Chapstick. I'm really good at following directions and reading maps, but I can never find what I'm looking for in any store other than a booksellers. That's why I majored in English.

Today, while searching through Target for the aforementioned Chapstick, I stumbled upon the yeast infection medicines and this really got me thinking.

I don't know about you, but when it comes to yeast infections the brand I trust is Monistat. It's what my mom used, her mom used, her mom's mom used, and so on and so back up until the time it was patented in its original formula when it actually contained a small amount of cocaine.

No, I'm not their new spokesman no matter how much that sounds like an endorsement, and no, I wasn't standing there in that aisle thinking, "Wow, I really need to recommend Monistat to all my blog readers in case they get a yeast infection 'cause it's the best." What I was thinking was that it seems kinda stupid to have the different varieties of Monistat. Here's what I saw:

Ah, good old Monistat 7. That's the one I remember from my high school years. Only 7 days of treatment and no doctor's prescription. Still on the shelf after all those years.

But, now there's also this:

Progress! Only 3 days! How can you not love that?

But it gets better! On the same shelf as the two above:

1 day! Use it, then forget about it.

So by now I expect that you've had the same thoughts as me: Who buys the 7 day treatment when you can get the 1 day? How hard is this decision for the potential customer?
Hmm, I could take care of it today, or I could just spend all week fighting it. I don't know. Maybe the 3 day one is best , so I'll have the long weekend covered; that'll give me something to do every morning!

Wracking my brains trying to figure out why, the only thing I could come up with is the price difference. You're thrifty, stretching your shopping dollar, so you buy the 7 day and have an extra $1.50 to buy a Coke at the register. Or maybe you're short a buck and all you can afford is the 3 day treatment. Good thing they still make it.

I picked up all three boxes and asked the pharmacist which one did she recommend. She shook her head and asked if I was serious. No, of course I wasn't. That was a dumb question. I put the 7 and 3 back and headed for the checkout.

I bought two 1 day treatments. I don't have a yeast infection, but when I do I'll be covered for 2 days if I need to be. That's still one day shorter than Monistat 3 and I feel pretty good about that. The only downside is that I forgot to buy my Chapstick, and my lips still hurt. But I'll get over it in a day or two!

Exhibit B

Cialis is a prescription medication that is used to treat ED (Erectile Dysfunction). Just saw the commercial on TV and was amused at the list of possible side effects. Ouch, it could suck really bad.

What didn't amuse me was the statement about STDs. "CIALIS does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV." You can read the exact same warning in the small print at the bottom of their web page: http://www.cialis.com

Here we have another warning for the stupid people. Why in the world would an ED drug protect you from STDs? Who would assume that? Does it subliminally make that claim somewhere in the literature? Maybe we should we put a warning on Coca-Cola that says, "This drink will not extend the life of your car's braking system." What about aspirin? "Taking Bayer will not give you the ability to fly like Superman." That's ridiculous. Only a moron would make an assumption like that.

Some people feel it necessary to defend the stupid people of the world. They might counter that there is no correlation between Coke and brakes, while there is one between ED and STDs. Yes, they are correct and this correlation makes the statement seem even more ridiculous than my examples. STD stands for what? Sexually transmitted disease. What does an ED drug do? It enables you to have Sex! It would make more sense to assume that Cialis would help you catch an STD, not prevent one. Not being able to have sex prevents STDs. Only an idiot would need a statement to address the complete opposite of this. Only an imbecile needs to be told that the medication doesn't do something that it never claimed to do in the first place. If the drug company was addressing sensible people, the warning would look more like: "Cialis will give you the opportunity to catch more STDs than is possible when your dick is limp." There's truth in advertising. Strike 2 for the stupids!

Exhibit A

I've finally started compiling. If I can be accused of prejudice against a group of people, that group would have to be stupid people. I ask you, do we really need them? Do we even want them? Before sentencing, we must set our parameters. And so it begins:




It's an out-of-the-way hole filled with large, jagged rocks and surrounded by a chain-link fence with no entrance. If you need a sign to tell you "Danger - Keep Out," you don't deserve to pass by unscathed.

Slang Project - Entry No. 75

Moses, n., a person, usually male, who enjoys performing cunnilingus when the recipient is menstruating (comes from the idea that the Biblical Moses parted the Red Sea)

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day. Not that anything of terrible note happened, just felt like shit. In a last ditch effort to try and go to bed without crying, I decided to read the daily news. Like most people, hearing about the misery of others does wonders to cheer me up. Unfortunately, it only made things worse. I love living in Vegas; it has so much to offer and is such an awesome place. I feel so strongly that even when I travel I take some sort of pride in telling people that I'm from here. That is until I read this:

Mayor Declares Paris Hilton Day In LV

August 30, 2006 - Thousands of Paris Hilton fans crowded the Las Vegas Strip last night, to get a glimpse of the celebrity turned singer. Mayor Oscar Goodman declared yesterday "Paris Hilton Day" in Sin City, and comic Jeff Beacher arranged to have skywriters above the Strip, congratulating Paris on her new self-titled CD. Hilton attended a launch party that began at Beacher's new "Rockhouse" at the Imperial Palace, and ended across the street with an appearance at the Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace. A street festival to mark the event was held on the Strip. The first single from Paris' album "Stars are Blind," has reportedly done well. The next single will be "Turn It Up."

My day is complete.

Warren Jeffs Arrested!

The story of Warren Jeffs is full of shocking facts and accusations. Perhaps what's most shocking though are the details of his arrest. Jeffs was pulled over on the I-15 by a Nevada patrolman because his temporary tag wasn't easily readable. Maybe the national news media can be excused for their ignorance, but the local coverage is highly negligent for failing to comment on this. Everyone who lives in Las Vegas should know that license plates are optional! Just take a look around the next time you are driving and I guarantee at least 20% of the cars on the road have no license plate at all, and have you ever seen one of them stopped by police?! There's something fishy about this story, and I want to know why Jeffs was really pulled over by Trooper Kevin Honea. Just cause there's a white guy in nice car doesn't mean he's a criminal!

Slang Project - Entry No. 74

cash in, v., to die

Vegas Movies

Maybe it's cause I live here, but I'm a sucker for films that take place in Las Vegas. I've studied Casino, rewatched Vegas Vacation, and even made it to the end of 3,000 Miles to Graceland. That's right, I'll sit through just about any movie that takes place in Sin City, but today I had second thoughts.

At my local Hollywood Video I came across the straight-to-video winner Bachelor Party Vegas. I almost didn't see it but as I was walking down the aisle, I caught the bright yellow "Vegas" written in generic font in the corner of my eye.


Now if the cover art wasn't bad enought, you always know the movie is crap when on the back they list all the other movies the actors have been in. Follow this with the name of a film company that nobody's ever heard of, mystery critics who's only thoughts are "...hilarious...", and you know this film has to be a classic.

Normally I would've stopped there, left it sitting on the shelf, and never gave it a second thought. But then there was the tagline.

The purpose of a tagline is to quickly convey what the movie is about and implant itself into the minds of potential viewers. This is how movies are sold. Taglines should be unique and enticing. They should whet a viewer's appetite and leave them wanting or even needing to see the film. Some examples:

Jaws 2 - "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water..."
Platoon - "The first casualty of war is innocence."
Independence Day - "Earth. Take a good look, it might be your last."
Silent Rage - "Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him."

The tagline for Bachelor Party Vegas: "This is one weekend they will never forget!" The exclamation point is theirs, not mine. Wow. Better still, I tried typing it into Google, and the only results I got were for Bachelor Party Vegas. Absolutely amazing. I had to rent it.

Don't expect a review or anything; I'm sure I've already given it more time than it deserves by sitting here writing this. But I had to share that tagline... "This is one weekend they will never forget!" I get chills. Really, I do.

*Anyways, to end on a higher note - a few other films, of varying worth, that were shot and take place in Vegas:
The Cooler
Diamonds are Forever
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Honeymoon in Vegas
Leaving Las Vegas
Ocean's 11
Showgirls
Viva Las Vegas

Slang Project - Entry No. 73

ten pinter, n., an unattractive person (as in you might consider sleeping with him/her, but only after you've had ten pints of beer)

5 More Questions

Another long drive yesterday so I have some more questions. Please help out if you can.

1. Does smoking poison ivy have any harmful side effects?

2. Where does the soft drink 7-Up get its name from?

3. Is it illegal to film metally retarded persons having sex if they are over the age of 18 and you comply with Title 18 U.S.C. 2257?

4. What are some possible scientific explanations for the present condition of St. Bernadette's body?

5. Where do babies come from? (Okay, I know the answer to this one but I like to hear people talking about sex. It gives me a boner.)

(The picture in this post is of St. Bernadette.)

Monthly Call To Life - The Unauthorized, Unrelated Sequel

Trademarks are serious business. Imagine anyone being able to put a Nike Swoosh on their shoes and then selling the second rate product to the unsuspecting public. Or what if I made my own steak sauce and called it A1? I'd make a quick buck but there would be some disgruntled carnivores out there. Coca-Cola is "The Real Thing," Fox News is "Fair and Balanced," and MasterCard tells us "Don't leave home without it," but what if I want to describe my new cereal The Breakfast of Champions? I can't because that slogan belongs to Wheaties. All these phrases are protected by American copyright law to ensure fair business and advertising. A trademark is intellectual property that companies fight hard to protect and they hope will become synonomous with there product.

But there are limits to trademarks. I couldn't simply tradmark the term soda to describe my new soft drink for obvious reasons. In the past businesses have failed to trademark words like credit card or potato chip, again for obvious reasons. A trademark must be a unique term or phrase, not just a generic one.

A recognized trademark is noted by the little "TM" that follows it when it appears in print. This means the company has registered it with the Library of Congress Copyright Office and they own the sole right to reproduce it and use it in marketing their product. Which brings me to this picture:
If you look closely at the writing on this complimentary sanitary napkin disposal bag that I recently picked up at a motel I was staying at you'll notice that it is a "Fresh Scent" disposal bag. I assume that the "Fresh Scent" refers to the pleasant flowery smell that emanates from inside the bag. Ah, refreshing! Also notice the TM:
This bag is making the claim that the company producing it owns the phrase "Fresh Scent!" Keep this in mind the next time you describe something as having a "Fresh Scent" because you may be guilty of copyright infringement!! I would advise that if you absolutely need to say that something has a "Fresh Scent" then you should first contact the manufacturer and ask them for permission so you don't find yourself in court paying steep fines. Here are the owners:
Pretty surprising, huh? I never would've guessed that a phrase like that would be owned by some little company in small town Illinois. Or could they be lying?

And while we're on the subject of feminine hygiene, check out this vending machine:



Mmm, what a tasty treat! I admit I don't buy that many tampons but $1.50 for one seems a little bit expensive. An entire roll of toilet paper doesn't cost that much. Hell, the salami is only $.85 and there are two of them in the package. And who decided to put the salami right next to the tampons anyway? Kind of confusing.