Stroking My Ego

Some things you may not know about me but probably should.

I counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.

If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.

I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.

I can unscramble an egg.

My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".

I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.

I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.

When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.

I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.

I lost my virginity before my dad did.

I do not sleep. I wait.

I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.

I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.

I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

What an unoriginal bastard I am.