Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Twins

The twins are coming soon but they haven't come yet. I hope they come tonight.

Even more specifically, I hope they are born close to midnight, with one being born before 12 and the other being born after. This way they will be twins with two different birthdays.

This is not a completely unique or an original idea, as I've actually met a twin born 10 minutes before his brother and on a different day because of the whole midnight thing. However, today is very special because it is February 28, and that means if one is born today and the other on March 1 then on leap years there will be an entire day between the two. That does sound like fun and unique.

Even better, the twins will turn 21 in the year 2028. That is a leap year. The first twin would legally be allowed to drink, go to bars, and gamble a full 48 hours before the other! How's that for sibling rivalry?

Friday, February 23, 2007

Stroking My Ego

Some things you may not know about me but probably should.

I counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.

If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.

I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.

I can unscramble an egg.

My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".

I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.

I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.

When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.

I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.

I lost my virginity before my dad did.

I do not sleep. I wait.

I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.

I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.

I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

What an unoriginal bastard I am.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Grammar 101

What's wrong with this article?

Spears Out of Rehab Again
"Troubled pop star Britney Spears has reportedly left a rehabilitation facility in Malibu, California, less than 24 hours after checking in. This is the second time in a week that the star has left a treatment center after less than one day - according to news website Tmz.com, Spears left Promises treatment Center early yesterday morning. According to further media reports, Spears tried to get into a tattoo parlor before returning to her home, but the shop was closed. On Friday, she shaved her head bald at a hair salon and then hit the Body & Soul Tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks, California, where she got a pink, black and white cross on her hip and pink and red lips on her wrist. She checked herself into Crossroads Center, a treatment facility founded by musician Eric Clapton last Wednesday, only to check out the following day."
I'll give you a hint, the Crossroads Centre has been around longer than a week. I teach my students the importance of commas and word order, but you'd think that a writer for an internationally syndicated news network would already know this stuff.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Target Audience

The waste that is produced from marketing by mail appalls me. Not only do I have to throw away handfuls of ads every time I open my mailbox, but half of them are addressed to some guy named "Current Resident" who doesn't even live here!


Sometimes, however, I am more surprised by what is addressed to me. Take this postcard for example:



Yes, that came for me. Why? I've never had a period nor do I expect to get one and if I did I've decided I'd have a light to moderate flow anyway. The only criteria I fit is that I am between 18 and 49 years old.

So I called and they hung up on me. I think it was comment about bleeding like a stuck pig with the Stigmata of Christ and ruining my white polyester pants. The lady on the phone didn't believe me.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Ending Hunger in America

People should not go hungry in the US. Ever! In fact, if you are over the age of 16 it's downright impossible. If you ever find yourself without food or means to buy food, you could kill someone. After you turn yourself in, you will receive free food and lodging.

(Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. Brett is not suggesting you commit a crime in order to eat, simply pointing out that it is one way to avoid starvation.)

Monday, February 19, 2007

Slang Project- Entry No. 81

winter bush
1. n., a politically correct alternative term for "Christmas tree"
2. n., a politically incorrect term for extra hair growth a woman has in her bikini area and the top of her thighs during the cold season because she knows she will not be wearing shorts for the next 4 months

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Wikipedia

It seems like it's getting harder and harder to find a fucked up article on Wikipedia. I remember only a few years ago when the most popular articles were vandalized on a daily basis, but now it seems like a pretty legit site. Someone's been taking care of it.

For the first time in about three months I came across a messed up entry. Three whole months without a misstep! I love 'em and kinda miss 'em, so here it is. Enjoy.

The entry is Carvel.

(Just in case it has been changed, I've pasted the article below.)

Carvel is an ice cream franchise owned by FOCUS Brands, Inc. – Carvel is well-known for its soft serve ice cream, its round Flying titties ice cream gangbang, and its ice cream cakes (including Fudgie the Cock, Hug-Me Penis, and Cookie Pussy - only available in the franchised stores). In addition to their franchised locations, Celebration Foods produces ice cream cakes for supermarket sales; however, the cakes destined for the supermarkets are produced in a factory, warehoused and shipped all over the country, and as such are not as fresh as those found in franchise stores. The stores can also customize their freshly made cakes in a variety of ways, such as flavor changes or putting photo images on cakes.

Carvel traces its origins to 1929, when founder Tom Carvel began operating an ice cream truck. When the truck broke down in Hartsdale, New York in 1934, Carvel set up shop at the site of the breakdown and by 1936, he had founded the Carvel Corporation and developed a secret soft-serve ice cream formula containing male ejaculant for extra yummy flavor.

Carvel is headquartered in
Atlanta, GA. If you are a nigger we don't like you. (Current as of 9:35pm on 2/18/7)

FYI - I had nothing to do with the entry. I really love to surf Wikipedia, but I have yet to add anything to the site. Just reporting what I found.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Anna Nicole

When I first heard the news Thursday night, I was happy. No, I was really happy. I was super duper happy. Good riddance to bad garbage. It always embarassed me when I saw her on TV because I knew that she probably evolved from the same apes that the rest of us did.

However, upon some reflection, I've started changing my mind about it all. Five days later and she is still monopolizing all the News outlets and that is really sad. Do we need an E! Special already? I wish she was still alive so she could just fade away into oblivion like any other decent no-talent piece of shit media whore would. RIP.

The stunning Anna Nicole at the peak of her "career."

Monday, February 12, 2007

Shazam!

I don't read many comic books, but I still have my favorites from when I was a kid. I loved Excaliber, She-Hulk, and all incarnations of Flash Gordon, and whenever I go into a comic book store I love to see what classics they've got. Another title I check up on is Shazam! I loved Shazam! when I was younger, especially the Saturday morning cartoon.

Shazam! is the name of the series, but the hero's name is actually Captain Marvel. When DC comics bought the rights to this comic in the 70's from a defunct Fawcett Publishing and started the series back up after a hiatus of 30 years, Marvel Comics had already trademarked the name and Shazam! became the new comic title. It's tough to find the older comic (Captain Marvel) but I recently found an issue from the 1940's and was surprised by the cover.


I cannot believe how prevalent and accepted racism was by my grandparents' generation. They were called the Greatest Generation but somehow the name doesn't quite seem appropriate.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Slang Project - Entry No. 80

texan, n., a man with a large penis, usually over 7" but this can vary according to individual experience

(Note that "texan" used in this way is not capitalized.)

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Etymology of a Boyfriend

Younger brothers and sisters seem to race through significant others faster than cell phone minutes, so I never bother learning their names until they've been around for at least three major holidays. Kodiak, my sister's current boyfriend, is an exception because I've already committed his name to memory and I only just met him at Christmas.

His real name is T.W., but we (Rain and I, that is) call him Kodiak. I think what makes him stand out is how he got his name from us.

I've know a few T.J.'s, two B.J.'s, three T.S.'s, a J.T., a J.R., a D.J., and even a C.W. from high school, but I've never even heard of a T.W. Neither have most people and it was hard trying to remember this especially after a hefty dose of eggnog. Christmas Eve consisted of quite a few mix-ups when relatives and I tried to address him. He was called by every one of the above initial names and just about every other combination of two letters you can make from our alphabet.

By Christmas morning, his name had morphed into three letters. DDT, IBM, AAA, NIN, etc. Somebody once even called him 4-H Club, but the name that stuck was ATV.

A day or two went by and ATV turned into brand names. All week he was either Kawasaki or Honda. He was Yamaha by New Year's Eve. And after the champagne cork broke the chandelier, Yamaha turned into Kodiak because Kodiak is the name of the big Yamaha ATV.

So TW is now Kodiak and whether he sticks around or not, we will remember him.

Friday, February 09, 2007

PETA

The other day a friend came out to me as being a member of PETA. Now I admit I had always suspected it but I tried my best to avoid actually knowing. I immediately went into mourning and during one of my crying fits I remembered the letter PETA had sent me about a month ago. It was a survey.

So I filled it out as best I could, but something irked me. Mainly, the second side:


What a bunch of assholes! They don't even give you a choice for Question 10. As you can see I had to hand write my answer because the only boxes for checking assume you answer "Yes." To top it all off, they have the nerve to give a "FREE" gift of a subscription and a book for $16. Free for $16. What the fuck?! It's stupid shit like this that keeps me wearing fur.


*Please note that I answered "Possibly" to Question 9 only because of the "particularly if there were health benefits" part.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Superbowl Party

I was invited to a Superbowl party and got all excited. I love parties and Superbowl parties are the best! I couldn't wait for this weekend! Finally good times!

But then the invitation was suddenly rescinded. All my friends are gonna be there but I can't go. I'm sad.

GI Joe

If I had to have sex with a GI Joe, again I mean if my life and the lives of those people I care about depended on it, I'd fuck Zandar, brother of the better known Zartan. Zandar is always dressed to party with the trademark baby blue handband and showing off those beautiful six-pack abs. Sure he has a temper, but not a bad one, and since big brother Zartan is almost always around and just as cute, a threesome is a distinct possiblility. Yum!

Zandar

Zartan



FYI - Zartan has a condition that causes his skin to turn green in direct sunlight. How many people can say they had sex with a green person? I'd be one.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Slang Project - Entry No. 79

bareback, v., to have sex without using a condom

Friday, February 02, 2007

Lawsuit

It turns out that 3 out of 4 personal injury lawyers here in Vegas say that I cannot sue a toilet paper company just because their product ripped in the middle of my using it. The 4th lawyer said I could sue claiming a defective product but that my winnings from Charmin would not be enough to interest her in my case. She suggested I simply call the comment/complaint number on the package and see if they will send me a coupon for replacement. Free toilet paper is great but what about my pain and suffering?