Finally I Got Her Good

"I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" she asks.

Where do I begin? I can't say anything. I tell myself to hold my tongue; I even bite deep into the sides of it, possibly drawing blood, so nothing can accidentially roll off, but before she can leave I hear myself. "We're out of A.1." Goddammit! Please don't hear that.

"Okay," she answers and that is that.

An hour or two later: What do I get when she gets home? KC Masters Honey BBQ Sauce.

"Where's the A.1.?" I ask.

"The other was cheaper."

"But it's not A.1."

"It's the same thing. It was cheaper."

There is no A.1. until I do the shopping the next week and get it myself. The KC Masters crap is still unopened in our cupboard like so many other food stuffs Angie bought on sale. So much for saving money.

Sadly, this is my life. When Angie shops:

I ask for a porterhouse or filet and she brings home a chopped steak.
I ask for papertowels and she brings picnic napkins.
I ask for Gatorade and she brings apple juice.
I ask for provolone and she gets pepperjack.
And so on and so on.

Why? It was cheaper. It was on sale. It's really just the same thing. One of these three answers every time.

I went shopping yesterday. Before I left, I asked, "Do you need anything?"

"Tampons."

"Anything else."

"No. Just alot of them."

When I got home, she went through the bags and asked where the tampons were. "Did you forget them? 'Cause I really need the now."

"Yeah, they're in the chips bag."

She dug in the bag and then dropped it on the table, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me, unamused.

"What's that," she asked.

"Your tampons."

"There are no tampons in that bag."

"Yeah, I got you cotton balls and twine. Alot of them. It was cheaper." And they were.

I'm sleeping in the attic tonight, but that's okay. I'm also in charge of laundry tomorrow but I don't mind. I think I won. I'm willing to take bets that the next time I ask her for mayo there is no chance that she is going to return with a jar of Miracle Whip. Is it worth it? Goddamn right it's worth it. Who the fuck would use Miracle Whip for anything except jacking off with and I much prefer Crisco. And only I buy the Crisco, that's the way it's always been and always will be.