Is Faster Better?

I'll preface the following by telling you I was looking for Chapstick. I'm really good at following directions and reading maps, but I can never find what I'm looking for in any store other than a booksellers. That's why I majored in English.

Today, while searching through Target for the aforementioned Chapstick, I stumbled upon the yeast infection medicines and this really got me thinking.

I don't know about you, but when it comes to yeast infections the brand I trust is Monistat. It's what my mom used, her mom used, her mom's mom used, and so on and so back up until the time it was patented in its original formula when it actually contained a small amount of cocaine.

No, I'm not their new spokesman no matter how much that sounds like an endorsement, and no, I wasn't standing there in that aisle thinking, "Wow, I really need to recommend Monistat to all my blog readers in case they get a yeast infection 'cause it's the best." What I was thinking was that it seems kinda stupid to have the different varieties of Monistat. Here's what I saw:

Ah, good old Monistat 7. That's the one I remember from my high school years. Only 7 days of treatment and no doctor's prescription. Still on the shelf after all those years.

But, now there's also this:

Progress! Only 3 days! How can you not love that?

But it gets better! On the same shelf as the two above:

1 day! Use it, then forget about it.

So by now I expect that you've had the same thoughts as me: Who buys the 7 day treatment when you can get the 1 day? How hard is this decision for the potential customer?
Hmm, I could take care of it today, or I could just spend all week fighting it. I don't know. Maybe the 3 day one is best , so I'll have the long weekend covered; that'll give me something to do every morning!

Wracking my brains trying to figure out why, the only thing I could come up with is the price difference. You're thrifty, stretching your shopping dollar, so you buy the 7 day and have an extra $1.50 to buy a Coke at the register. Or maybe you're short a buck and all you can afford is the 3 day treatment. Good thing they still make it.

I picked up all three boxes and asked the pharmacist which one did she recommend. She shook her head and asked if I was serious. No, of course I wasn't. That was a dumb question. I put the 7 and 3 back and headed for the checkout.

I bought two 1 day treatments. I don't have a yeast infection, but when I do I'll be covered for 2 days if I need to be. That's still one day shorter than Monistat 3 and I feel pretty good about that. The only downside is that I forgot to buy my Chapstick, and my lips still hurt. But I'll get over it in a day or two!

Exhibit B

Cialis is a prescription medication that is used to treat ED (Erectile Dysfunction). Just saw the commercial on TV and was amused at the list of possible side effects. Ouch, it could suck really bad.

What didn't amuse me was the statement about STDs. "CIALIS does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV." You can read the exact same warning in the small print at the bottom of their web page: http://www.cialis.com

Here we have another warning for the stupid people. Why in the world would an ED drug protect you from STDs? Who would assume that? Does it subliminally make that claim somewhere in the literature? Maybe we should we put a warning on Coca-Cola that says, "This drink will not extend the life of your car's braking system." What about aspirin? "Taking Bayer will not give you the ability to fly like Superman." That's ridiculous. Only a moron would make an assumption like that.

Some people feel it necessary to defend the stupid people of the world. They might counter that there is no correlation between Coke and brakes, while there is one between ED and STDs. Yes, they are correct and this correlation makes the statement seem even more ridiculous than my examples. STD stands for what? Sexually transmitted disease. What does an ED drug do? It enables you to have Sex! It would make more sense to assume that Cialis would help you catch an STD, not prevent one. Not being able to have sex prevents STDs. Only an idiot would need a statement to address the complete opposite of this. Only an imbecile needs to be told that the medication doesn't do something that it never claimed to do in the first place. If the drug company was addressing sensible people, the warning would look more like: "Cialis will give you the opportunity to catch more STDs than is possible when your dick is limp." There's truth in advertising. Strike 2 for the stupids!

Exhibit A

I've finally started compiling. If I can be accused of prejudice against a group of people, that group would have to be stupid people. I ask you, do we really need them? Do we even want them? Before sentencing, we must set our parameters. And so it begins:




It's an out-of-the-way hole filled with large, jagged rocks and surrounded by a chain-link fence with no entrance. If you need a sign to tell you "Danger - Keep Out," you don't deserve to pass by unscathed.

Slang Project - Entry No. 75

Moses, n., a person, usually male, who enjoys performing cunnilingus when the recipient is menstruating (comes from the idea that the Biblical Moses parted the Red Sea)

A Bad Day

Today was a bad day. Not that anything of terrible note happened, just felt like shit. In a last ditch effort to try and go to bed without crying, I decided to read the daily news. Like most people, hearing about the misery of others does wonders to cheer me up. Unfortunately, it only made things worse. I love living in Vegas; it has so much to offer and is such an awesome place. I feel so strongly that even when I travel I take some sort of pride in telling people that I'm from here. That is until I read this:

Mayor Declares Paris Hilton Day In LV

August 30, 2006 - Thousands of Paris Hilton fans crowded the Las Vegas Strip last night, to get a glimpse of the celebrity turned singer. Mayor Oscar Goodman declared yesterday "Paris Hilton Day" in Sin City, and comic Jeff Beacher arranged to have skywriters above the Strip, congratulating Paris on her new self-titled CD. Hilton attended a launch party that began at Beacher's new "Rockhouse" at the Imperial Palace, and ended across the street with an appearance at the Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace. A street festival to mark the event was held on the Strip. The first single from Paris' album "Stars are Blind," has reportedly done well. The next single will be "Turn It Up."

My day is complete.

Warren Jeffs Arrested!

The story of Warren Jeffs is full of shocking facts and accusations. Perhaps what's most shocking though are the details of his arrest. Jeffs was pulled over on the I-15 by a Nevada patrolman because his temporary tag wasn't easily readable. Maybe the national news media can be excused for their ignorance, but the local coverage is highly negligent for failing to comment on this. Everyone who lives in Las Vegas should know that license plates are optional! Just take a look around the next time you are driving and I guarantee at least 20% of the cars on the road have no license plate at all, and have you ever seen one of them stopped by police?! There's something fishy about this story, and I want to know why Jeffs was really pulled over by Trooper Kevin Honea. Just cause there's a white guy in nice car doesn't mean he's a criminal!

Slang Project - Entry No. 74

cash in, v., to die

Vegas Movies

Maybe it's cause I live here, but I'm a sucker for films that take place in Las Vegas. I've studied Casino, rewatched Vegas Vacation, and even made it to the end of 3,000 Miles to Graceland. That's right, I'll sit through just about any movie that takes place in Sin City, but today I had second thoughts.

At my local Hollywood Video I came across the straight-to-video winner Bachelor Party Vegas. I almost didn't see it but as I was walking down the aisle, I caught the bright yellow "Vegas" written in generic font in the corner of my eye.


Now if the cover art wasn't bad enought, you always know the movie is crap when on the back they list all the other movies the actors have been in. Follow this with the name of a film company that nobody's ever heard of, mystery critics who's only thoughts are "...hilarious...", and you know this film has to be a classic.

Normally I would've stopped there, left it sitting on the shelf, and never gave it a second thought. But then there was the tagline.

The purpose of a tagline is to quickly convey what the movie is about and implant itself into the minds of potential viewers. This is how movies are sold. Taglines should be unique and enticing. They should whet a viewer's appetite and leave them wanting or even needing to see the film. Some examples:

Jaws 2 - "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water..."
Platoon - "The first casualty of war is innocence."
Independence Day - "Earth. Take a good look, it might be your last."
Silent Rage - "Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him."

The tagline for Bachelor Party Vegas: "This is one weekend they will never forget!" The exclamation point is theirs, not mine. Wow. Better still, I tried typing it into Google, and the only results I got were for Bachelor Party Vegas. Absolutely amazing. I had to rent it.

Don't expect a review or anything; I'm sure I've already given it more time than it deserves by sitting here writing this. But I had to share that tagline... "This is one weekend they will never forget!" I get chills. Really, I do.

*Anyways, to end on a higher note - a few other films, of varying worth, that were shot and take place in Vegas:
The Cooler
Diamonds are Forever
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Honeymoon in Vegas
Leaving Las Vegas
Ocean's 11
Showgirls
Viva Las Vegas

Slang Project - Entry No. 73

ten pinter, n., an unattractive person (as in you might consider sleeping with him/her, but only after you've had ten pints of beer)

5 More Questions

Another long drive yesterday so I have some more questions. Please help out if you can.

1. Does smoking poison ivy have any harmful side effects?

2. Where does the soft drink 7-Up get its name from?

3. Is it illegal to film metally retarded persons having sex if they are over the age of 18 and you comply with Title 18 U.S.C. 2257?

4. What are some possible scientific explanations for the present condition of St. Bernadette's body?

5. Where do babies come from? (Okay, I know the answer to this one but I like to hear people talking about sex. It gives me a boner.)

(The picture in this post is of St. Bernadette.)

Monthly Call To Life - The Unauthorized, Unrelated Sequel

Trademarks are serious business. Imagine anyone being able to put a Nike Swoosh on their shoes and then selling the second rate product to the unsuspecting public. Or what if I made my own steak sauce and called it A1? I'd make a quick buck but there would be some disgruntled carnivores out there. Coca-Cola is "The Real Thing," Fox News is "Fair and Balanced," and MasterCard tells us "Don't leave home without it," but what if I want to describe my new cereal The Breakfast of Champions? I can't because that slogan belongs to Wheaties. All these phrases are protected by American copyright law to ensure fair business and advertising. A trademark is intellectual property that companies fight hard to protect and they hope will become synonomous with there product.

But there are limits to trademarks. I couldn't simply tradmark the term soda to describe my new soft drink for obvious reasons. In the past businesses have failed to trademark words like credit card or potato chip, again for obvious reasons. A trademark must be a unique term or phrase, not just a generic one.

A recognized trademark is noted by the little "TM" that follows it when it appears in print. This means the company has registered it with the Library of Congress Copyright Office and they own the sole right to reproduce it and use it in marketing their product. Which brings me to this picture:
If you look closely at the writing on this complimentary sanitary napkin disposal bag that I recently picked up at a motel I was staying at you'll notice that it is a "Fresh Scent" disposal bag. I assume that the "Fresh Scent" refers to the pleasant flowery smell that emanates from inside the bag. Ah, refreshing! Also notice the TM:
This bag is making the claim that the company producing it owns the phrase "Fresh Scent!" Keep this in mind the next time you describe something as having a "Fresh Scent" because you may be guilty of copyright infringement!! I would advise that if you absolutely need to say that something has a "Fresh Scent" then you should first contact the manufacturer and ask them for permission so you don't find yourself in court paying steep fines. Here are the owners:
Pretty surprising, huh? I never would've guessed that a phrase like that would be owned by some little company in small town Illinois. Or could they be lying?

And while we're on the subject of feminine hygiene, check out this vending machine:



Mmm, what a tasty treat! I admit I don't buy that many tampons but $1.50 for one seems a little bit expensive. An entire roll of toilet paper doesn't cost that much. Hell, the salami is only $.85 and there are two of them in the package. And who decided to put the salami right next to the tampons anyway? Kind of confusing.

Slang Project - Entry No. 72

Canuck, n., Canadian (although it now refers to any Canadian, in the past [and to some extent still in New England and the eastern part of Canada] Canuck referred specifically to a French Canadien)

Is Canuck an offensive term? I had always assumed it was, so during my recent trip to British Columbia I met a few Canadians and asked them for their thoughts. They said that they were not offended being called Canucks and didn't believe that it was derogatory in any way, that it is a common American misconception that Canuck is offensive. As proof of its harmlessness, they informed me that there is even an NHL hockey team from Vancouver that is called the Canucks (click on it to go to their homepage if you don't believe me).

After some discussion, we realized that I, along with many other Americans, had come to think of Canuck as demeaning for two reasons: The first is obvious. It is offensive because of what it refers to - Canadians. What if someone called me a Canuck? Of course I'd be offended, downright pissed off, but that's because I'm not a fucking Canadian. Canadians, however, are Canadians. They are not ashamed so Canuck works for them.

The second reason Americans think Canuck might be offensive is because of its usual context. How often do we hear things such as: Those stupid Canucks need to get their own culture or How many damn Canucks does it take to screw in a light bulb or Celine Dion is a Canuck. Canuck by itself is not an offensive term. The only thing offensive about calling someone a Canuck is those adjectives that we usually put in front of it when talking about them. Next time instead of calling a Canadian a dirty Canuck or a good-for-nothing Canuck, just try Canuck by itself. You'll see how unoffensive it really is to them. And, if you're lucky, you just might make a new friend with access to OTC codeine.

West Coast Trip

I finally made a trip up the west coast. Here are some pictures from it.

First, we had to make it out of Nevada. We took 95 up to Reno. Along the way we stopped in Goldfield to check out this amazing store:


Then we entered Bigfoot country in Willow Creek, California:


The next day we visited Redwood National Forest. There is a tree you can drive through if your car is small enough. Against A---'s advice, I attempt to drive her car through:


It took about five hours for the tow-truck people to get it out. The car was undrivable afterwards because the rear axel was bent.

In Oregon, our motel had a pool. However, I was very disappointed to learn that is was only open 3 hours a day.


After I talked to the lady at the front desk and expressed my displeasure, she assured me that 12pm means midnight. When I asked if this "12pm means midnight" was true for all of Oregon, she said no. She said that some of the eastern part of the state is in a different time zone so 12pm would mean 1am there. I didn't ask her any more questions.

In Washington, I visited Twin Peaks country.


Rather than retrace our steps, we decided to take a different route home. I learned that they have keno in Idaho, but it isn't quite as advanced:


I had to play at least one game, but I lost. I picked number 3. Damn, I never win.

Finally, we drove through Utah and I decided we should stop and check out some of the Mormon scenery. We visited the Brigham Young Lotus Temple. Much more exotic than I expected (Notice our rental car in the first picture):

Slang Project - Entry No. 71

Canadian highway, n., a secondary road, usually with only two lanes, that is heavily traveled, always congested, and the product of piss-poor planning

Slang Project - Entry No. 70

Tab soda, n., the drug 3,4 methylenedioxymethamphetamine, more commonly known as MDMA or ecstasy

To Do Before I Die - No. 28

A lot of people that I know who have cats keep the litter box in the bathroom. This makes perfect sense to me; let's keep all waste in the same place. It's also convenient in keeping offensive smells, animal and human, trapped in one room rather than floating throughout the house. Please note that there is no sarcasm in my voice, and as you read on, you'll realize that I really wish everyone did this as it would afford me more opportunities to fulfill my wish.

Someday before I die, I want to go to a party where the host has a litter box in the bathroom. When no one is looking, I'll slip inside, turn on the fan, and lock the door behind me. Then, rather than use the toilet, I will take a shit in the litter box. Hopefully this will all happen quickly so that I can also slip out unnoticed and rejoin the partying.

Later in the evening, I will hope for someone to say something. If no one gets drunk enough to point it out, I'll have to do it myself.

"Say Chuck, I was just in your bathroom. How big is your cat?"

"What do you mean, Brett?"

"There's an awfully big turd in that litter box. It must not be a kitten."

Then the whole party will move to the bathroom to look. They'll say, "Wow, Chuck! Brett's right. I hope your cat's not loose in the house anywhere." or "Holy Mary Mother of God! What do you feed that thing?"

I always wanted to be at a party where my shit was the center of attention. This would afford me that opportunity without any of the embarassment that would go along with me shitting my pants or the anger that would come with me taking a dump on the host's couch. As an added bonus, any cat owner can attest to the fact that clean-up would also be a snap.

More Envelopes

Do envelopes like these look familiar?



I hate getting credit card ads in the mail. On the news, they tell us that we must shred these unwanted applications or risk having thieves steal our identities. I didn't ask for that responsibility, did you?

If you have some extra free time (which you obviously do if you're wasting your time reading blogs on Myspace), you can get back at these companies for exposing you to identity theft by hitting them where it hurts: their wallets. The way these postage paid business reply envelopes work is that the company that issues them has made an arrangement with the US Postal Service where they must pay the postage on all envelopes that they receive back.

So instead of just throwing the envelope away, drop it in the mail. The company has to pay for the empty envelope whether they like it or not and your garbage bag is that much lighter. Better yet, throw some other garbage in the envelope like the grocery circulars or other credit card ads because the fact of the matter is that the credit card company pays for the postage based on weight so the heavier the envelope, the more money they have to lay out for bothering you. I've gotten a little creative in the past and put lead fishing weights into some of the envelopes to try and break the dollar postage mark, but what you need to remember is that every little bit counts. Sure, a $4 envelope is wonderful revenge, but just as good are 10 empty ones becasue they'll still have to spend the time opening each and every one of them. I like to imagine them opening up my envelopes and calling the supervisor over in disbelief. He'll put his hands on his hips and shake his head before patting the employee on the back saying, "They got us again. This keeps up and you and I'll be out of a job." Good riddance.

Legal disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Neither Brett nor his ensigns condone the type of behavior described above and all readers are asked not to try this at home. Thank you and fuck the greedy credti card companies

ADA Compliant?

Recently, Wells Fargo sent me a courtesy return envelope. Postage was not prepaid but, lucky for me, instructions were provided.

A close up:

Silly me, I almost put the stamp inside. Thank you Wells Fargo!

Slang Project - Entry No. 69

96 or ninety-six, n., a sexual act where after a couple finishes performing a 69 on each other they both roll over and defecate into each other's hair (usually occurs after spending many years with the same partner as an attempt to either "spice things up" or vent grievances)

5 Questions

Long drives leave alot of time for thinking. Here are a couple questions I've been pondering. If you can help answer them, I'd appreciate it.

1. Do penguins taste more like chicken or more like fish?

2. Does albino porn exist?

3. Did any of the 16 survivors of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 face criminal charges for eating their deceased companions?

4. If leukemia causes the body to overproduce white blood cells and AIDS destroys white blood cells, what happens to a person who has both diseases?

5. Is there a museum of gynecological history?

(The stamp in this post was issued in Uruguay as a memorial to Flight 571)

On my way to see a friend today, I stopped in Green River, Wyoming, and visited their local museum. Out front is a statue of Major John Wesley Powell, Civil War hero and Green River explorer. The statue is missing an arm but it turns out that it isn't the result of some high school prank - Powell lost his arm in the war. I haven't come across any statues of amputees before and would like to see more if you know where I can find them.From the plaque below the statue:

From Green River, Wyoming on May 24, 1869 Major John Wesley Powell and a group of voyagers set out to discover the mysteries of one of the last undiscovered regions in the continental United States the Green and Colorado Rivers. Powell was a disabled veteran who lost his right arm in the Civil War. Later he turned to exploration, and in 1869 and 1871 led crews down the rivers and through the Grand Canyon.

Slang Project - Entry No. 68

quasar, n., a person who has committed television programming schedules to memory (prison slang)

Brothel Art Museum

I guess I can blame it on my new bookmark or maybe it's the intense heat of the last week or maybe it's something else that I just can't put my finger on but either way I just can't get it out of my mind so today before I even knew what was going on I found myself enroute, and enroute at an unsafe speed at that, but enroute nonetheless to that other desert paradise outside of Vegas, the somewhat respectable town of Pahrump. Upon my arrival, I found my map...


Don't let the intriguing sign get your hopes too high. Although it may be a one-of-a-kind experience, if you want to know what to really expect read this article from the Las Vegas Review Journal.

Less than 15 minutes later...


No one in sight and only one other car in the parking lot. This could be perfect. I was happy I brought my own paper towels.

Inside...

More of a "history of" via newspaper clippings as opposed to "Brothel Art." I only found one pair of tits on display in the whole exhibit but unlike the women down the street, the entry to the museum is free so it wasn't all bad. It took about 5 minutes to thoroughly take it all in which is longer than I would've lasted at Mabel's anyway. Score one more for Nevada - I love living here!!!

Slang Project - Entry No. 67

Kodak courage, n., heightened bravery brought on by the presence of an audience or camera (usually used disparagingly)

Slang Project - Entry No. 66

aardvarking, v., consensual sexual relations with an ex-lover simply for the purpose of physical gratification

My New Bookmark

Not exactly sure where it came from, but I found this the other day tucked away in a book:


Strange that it has a 702 number because that is the area code for Clark County. The Sagebrush is located in Lyon County at the other end of the state. That county's area code is 775.

More worthless info about the Sagebrush:

-Made a headline in the Las Vegas Sun on October 27, 1999: Fire at Sagebrush Ranch brothel east of Carson. Full article can be found here.
-Has its own entry on Wikipedia.
-And of course they have their own website. Google it if you want.

Slang Project - Entry No. 65

petit mort, n., an orgasm (from the French phrase literally meaning "little death")

Vegetarians want to kill quadriplegics!!!

Disclaimer: I eat meat.

I know quite a few vegetarians and it seems to me that there are three main reasons why a person chooses to become one:

1. They don't like the taste or texture of meat. (The least common one)
2. They care too much about animals to eat them.
3. A combination of both reasons. (Most common)

For those that fall under number 1, I can't say anything about that. I feel the same way about vegetables. The taste/texture just doesn't appeal to me so I stay away. But as for numbers 2 and 3, I take issue with that. Although I eat meat, I, too, care about animals. I care about all living things. Sure you've heard the whole plants are alive too argument before, but I think you've got to look at it from another angle. We should feel worse for the plants not because of some artificial ranking of worth or consciousness, but because of the simple fact that they can't move. Animals can run away; they have a sporting chance of not ending up on my plate. Vegetables, however, can't try and get away. They must simply accept their fate and die without a fight.

Let me put it in perspective. Let's pretend that you are a soldier. You come across two people while executing a top secret, ultra important mission that will determine the fate of the free world. In order to complete the mission, you must kill one of these people. Either one, it doesn't matter which, but one must die and you have no choice but to do it. The first person, Vegetable, can't walk and has no use of her arms. She begs you to spare her life, but she will put up no fight if you choose her. She can't. She has no strength to fight, only a will to live. The other person, Animal, spits in your face and dares you to kill him. He is trying hard to escape, and if he has the chance he'll kill you first. In fact, if you don't kill Animal, he will go off and kill other people, both vegetable and animal types, and prolong the war! But at the moment, the choice is yours. There is no way around it; one must die. Who do you choose, the poor, weeping Vegetable that poses no threat to you or anyone else in the world but just wants to live or the blood thirsty Animal that would kill you if he had the means?

I find that very sad and cannot bring myself to eat the poor, innocent lettuce and I hope you'll also reconsider. Let's go out for a burger together!

Slang Project - Entry No. 64

butt me, phr., give me a cigarette (c. 1920 America)

Slang Project - Entry No. 63

hardwood floors, n., the female pubic region when it is completely shaved or waxed

My Life - The Funniest Moments (Part 1)

August 16, 1985 - My mom, my grandma, my aunt Amy, my cousin Mike, and I went to Elby's Big Boy after doing a little shopping in the mall. Near the end of the meal, an old guy entered the restaurant wearing a hat that read, "Old Fart." We all laughed except my grandma, who shook her head in disbelief. Mike and I continued to laugh the whole car ride home.

November 3, 1989 - I had a Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink in a can. After I shook it (like it says to), I opened it and it sprayed choclate drink all over my face and some got on my mom's curtains. She was mad at the time, but it didn't stain so the next day we were able to laugh about it.

June 18, 2005 - I went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Tropicana Cinemas. Before the film started, they made an announcement that Jonathan Adams (the actor who plays Dr. Scott in the movie) died earlier the week and they were dedicating that night's performance to his memory. When he made his appearance in the film and after everyone yelled "Great Scott," I yelled, "I thought you were dead!" There was a collective "Awww," someone said, "That's not cool," and silence followed for the next 30 seconds or so.

Slang Project - Entry No. 62

Australian kiss or Aussie kiss, n., cunnilingus (British slang; comes from a combining of French kiss and down under)

Slang Project - Entry No. 61

dutch oven, n., a bedroom prank in which a person passes gas in bed and then pulls the covers up and over the head of his or her partner, forcing them to smell it

Red Rock Station

I went to the new Red Rock Casino today.

I played keno.

And I lost.

Again.

Fuck.

Slang Project - Entry No. 60

Irish twins, n., pl., two children that are not actual twins but were born to the same mother within a 12 month period

Betrayal

Bad accents, echoing sound, corny music, and questionable acting. How could such a great play go so wrong? What an apt title. (At least they let you bring in drinks from the lounge bar.)

Slang Project - Entry No. 59

sausage fest, n., a gathering in which males greatly outnumber females

The King of Pop

I'm still in the midst of spring cleaning, and as I was scrubbing out my dish washer I found my collection of Michael Jackson Trading Cards from Topps circa 1984! I had forgotten all about them. Needless to say I took a small break and nostalgically examined each one (I have the entire set!). While his music never gets old, some of the cards are dated. One in particular caught my eye.


We can makes jokes about his nose, his chin, the glove, or even the color of his skin, but that's not what I found so interesting. On the back of each card is a fun fact about Michael, usually some record he broke with Thriller album sales or how many Number One hits he had in a given year. The back of this card expresses his fondness for performing.


There are so many comments I could make right now (like maybe a lack of touring for the last decade had something to do with his legal troubles or is "the biggest charge" appropriate word choice, etc.) but I'll hold my tongue and let the card speak for itself.

Slang Project - Entry No. 58

white hair, n., an elderly person (usually meant as a derogatory term)

Slang Project - Entry No. 57

taxed, adj., overpriced; too expensive

The 420 Conspiracy

Yesterday, that is April 20 (4/20), the FDA released a statement saying that there is absolutely no medical benefit from using marijuana. This contradicts the famous 1999 study that found to the contrary, but I guess that just needs to be ignored now. No new evidence or studies have been cited. Of course, the news returns the spotlight to controversial medical marijuana laws across the nation.

Medicinal marijuana is most often prescibed as a pain reliever. Doesn't work, says the FDA. Keep in mind that the FDA is the same organization that okayed the use of Vioxx for pain relief. Over 11,500 lawsuits are pending against Merck, the makers of Vioxx, because the drug causes an increased risk in cardiovascular events such as heart attack and strokes, but the FDA did not pull Vioxx from the market; Merck did in order to protect their own interests. Believe it or not, Vioxx is still an FDA approved drug for pain relief. Who are you going to trust with your health?

Slang Project - Entry No. 56

rice queen, n., a male homosexual who is attracted to Asian men

i before e

I before E
except after C

That is the rule the way I learned it back in third or fourth grade, but as I've been pointing out in my blog, there are so many exceptions that I believe it should be scrapped from the spelling curriculum.

Now I know that my two readers will find this hard to believe, but the rule has its defenders. The most common defense that I come across is that I'm not quoting the complete rule. Maybe they've modified it since I left elementary school because some people claim that this is the way the rule actually goes:

I before E
except after C
or when it sounds like an A as in "neighbor" and "weigh".

How nice! It still rhymes, and that does take care of beige, eight, and reindeer, but what about atheist, herein, and tiptoeing?

Here the defenders pull out the first amendment and give me a look that says I should have already know that the rule only applies to digraphs. (Definition of digraph from Dictionary.com - A pair of letters representing a single speech sound, such as the ph in pheasant or the ea in beat.) This eliminates words like being, deity, and science but then I ask what about words like Budweiser, vacancies, and weird.

A few more amendments are added. In reference to Budweiser, Frankenstein, and Neil - just like in Scrabble, names do not count. It also does not apply to plural "es" words as is the case for agencies, currencies, and vacancies. And for weird we get the weirdest rule of all: I before E only works when the ie makes a long e sound as in piece or believe.

When I ask about caffeine, conscience, seize, or sheik, I inevitably get the response, Why don't you get a life, asshole?

But instead of getting a life I decided to start a list of the words that violate the rule. Below you will a find my exceptions where E comes before I and it's not after C.

absenteeism
ageing
ageism
agreeing
albeit
apartheid
atheism
atheist
beige
being
Budweiser
caffeine
canoeing
codeine
counterfeit
cuneiform
decaffeinated
deify
deionize
deist
deity
deign
dreidel
dyeing
Eiffel TowerEinstein
eight
either
eyeing
Fahrenheit
feign
feint
feisty
fleeing
foreign
forfeit
Frankenstein
freeing
freight
geisha
Guggenheim
heifer
heigh-ho
height
Heineken
Heinz
heir
heist
herein
hoeing
Hussein, Saddam
kaleidoscope
keister
Keith
kneeing
Leigh
leister
leisure
leitmotiv
meiosis
monotheism
neigh
neighbor
neighborhood
Neil
neither
nuclei
obeisance
onomatopoeia
pantheism
peeing
plebeian
poltergeist
polytheism
preindustrial
protein
reimburse
reimbursement
rein
reincarnation
reincorporate
reindeer
reindustrialize
reinforce
reinstate
reinstruct
reinvigorate
reissue
reiterate
rottweiler
seeing
seismic
seize
seizure
Sergei Eisenstein
sheik
sheila
shoeing
singeing
sleigh
sovereign
stein
Steinbeck, John
surfeit
surveillance
their
theism
therein
tiptoeing
veil
vein
weigh
weight
Weiner
weird
Weirton
wherein
zeitgeist

That's a bunch of words and I tried to avoid using other forms of a root word (eighteen, eighty) or pluralization (heifers, veins) in order to not artificially inflate the number. I also kept the names to a minimum, only the most commonly used.

During my research, I also came across some words that are exceptions but I don't what they mean and I've never used them. I'll include some:


buddleia, caducei, casein, deice, eider, eiderdown, eidetic, eidolon, enceinte, glutei, jadeite, monteith, mullein, peignoir, phenolphthalein, phthalein, reveille, weir

These are real words though. Copy and paste them into Word and you'll see that they pass the spellchecker.


Don't forget the second part of the rule! Here are some except after C exceptions:

ancient
agencies
coefficient
concierge
conscience
currencies
deficiency
deficient
delicacies
efficient
emergencies
fallacies
fancied
fancies
financier
glacier
hacienda
intimacies
juicier
nescient
omniscience
omniscient
pharmacies
piracies
policies
pregnancies
prescience
prescient
pricier
proficient
racier
science
scientific
scientist
societal
society
species
sufficiency
sufficient
tendencies
unscientific
urgencies
vacancies

Again in order not to inflate the numbers, I've excluded a lot of words with the same roots (efficiently, inefficient, neuroscience) and plurals (ancients, scientists) except where the plural form causes the exception (agency vs. agencies). In these instances, I've just given a small sampling because every word that ends in -cy breaks the rule when made plural (democracies, inconsistencies, etc.) and to include them all would more than quadruple the number if -cie- words I've listed.

Below, I've pulled out a few words to defend their inclusion because I anticipate some resistance.

Budweiser - It may be a German name but its America's number 1 selling beer!
Fahrenheit - Isn't the US the only country that hasn't switched to Celsius?
Frankenstein - The English classic.
heigh-ho - Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs
Heinz - This is America's favorite catsup.
hoeing - Thats the real spelling!
Hussein, Saddam - Is he on trial for WMD or because of the way his name is spelled?
Sergei Eisenstein - A Russian film pioneer who violates the rule three times in his name!
sheila - Aside from being a name (Sheila) , the Crocodile Hunter and other Australians use this as slang when referring to a sexy female.
Weirton - A town here in the US where I once lived.

The I before E rule needs thrown out on its keister! I rest my case. Any objections?


*AdditionsApril 20: I've been diving deep into literary theory lately and came across a few terms that also break the rule. Sure, you probably won't be using them any time soon but here they are: eidyllion (another term for an idyll), Eisteddfod (a form of contest at which literary, musical, and dramatic works are presented; from Welsh literary history), Geistesgeschichte (spirit / mind history), geisteliche Tageweise (a type of German medieval song), & Heimkehrerliteratur (returning home literature - from post WWII Germany).

Slang Project - Entry No. 55

whiskey dick, n., temporary impotence caused by excessive alcohol consumption

NIN

Yes, I was there. Yes, it totally kicked ass. And yes, the guy in front of me threw up all over himself but still stayed to the very end of the show. Rock 'n' Roll.

*If you look closely at the ticket you'll notice on the right-hand side it says, "No exchange except as provided herein. No refunds. No reentry." "Herein" is another word that breaks the "i" before "e" except after "c" rule. I'm not making this stuff up!

Agnes of God

Two nuns walk into a psychiatrist's office... Sounds like the beginning to a great joke, doesn't it? This play's not a comedy, but I can't help snickering at the possibilities.

Changing the tone abruptly: The play's about a young nun who was discovered soaked in blood and passed out in her room after giving birth to a baby and strangling it to death with its umbilical cord. She's on trial for murder and must meet with a court appointed psychiatrist to determine her sanity. Her over-protective Mother Superior accompanies her to these meetings with the (of course) atheist* doctor and all three try to come to terms with the atrocity that has occured (while having more discussions about menstruation than an issue of YM). Heavy stuff (no pun intended), but not half as tedious as it may sound. Aside from a few cliched lines and one or two predictable moments, it's a really great play that's intensly engaging but not necessarily cerebral. (lol) It's a strange breed that, although dealing with the question of God, doesn't come off as pro-religion or anti-religion. It takes us somewhere into the gulf that exists between devout Christians and devout atheists. Call it reality with a little more thought put into it.

The lowdown on this particular production: Two of the actors give impeccable performances while the third leaves something to be desired (and that's being polite about it). I won't give names but the third that I'm referring to happens to be married to the director. (That explains a few things.) Anyone ever heard of a conflict of interest?

* "i" before "e" rule exception above. Notice the spelling of "atheist."

Slang Project - Entry No. 54

AC/DC, adj., bisexual (sometimes written as AC-DC)

Slang Project - Entry No. 53

hi-5, n., HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus)

Take Me Out

I haven't been to a play in while so part of me was ready to like anything that would be thrown at me but I can honestly say that I really enjoyed Take Me Out. It's a Tony Award Winning play about a famous baseball player who, at the height* of his fame, reveals that he is gay. It's a strange mixture of comedy and melodrama that is awkward at times but works for the most part. It's also one of that rare breed of gay-themed plays that doesn't nosedive into an AIDS message. In fact, AIDS is not mentioned at all. But I'm not going to go through and give it a review because I've got a friend who's going to do that (and much better than I could do anyhow). However, I did want to point something out; the last time I went to the theatre was a few months ago and the similarites between tonight and that experience are a bit uncanny:

1. Both plays were at the Las Vegas Little Theatre.
2. Both plays revolved around gay themes.
3. At both plays, the audience was largely male.
4. I was invited by and accompanied by K---- to both plays.
5. Both plays had copious, and I mean copious, amounts of full frontal male nudity.

I'm not making any inferences by this; I'm just putting it out there. It seems that it must mean something though.


* Notice that "height" does not follow the "i" before "e" except after "c" rule.

Slang Project - Entry No. 52

yinz, pron., a plural form of you (Pittsburgh slang; from a combining of "you" and "ones")

Slang Project - Entry No. 51

paisley shower, n., a quick cleaning in which a person does not have the time or ability to wash their entire body so they simply use a sink to wash their armpits and possibly genital region in order to "freshen up"

Slang Project - Entry No. 50

bullet proof, adj., term used to describe a woman who has had a tubal ligation (her tubes tied) and therefore has no chance of becoming pregnant

Taco Bell

I went to Taco Bell for lunch today and was surprised by what I found on the table when I sat down to eat. Check it out:


Advertising for employment is common. I'm not that surpirsed. They've got to fill in the ranks so I can get my gorditas in a timely manner. But read the last line. "Fill out application on back & give it to manager."

Sure enough, when I turned the paper over, I saw this:


That's right, there's the whole application right before your eyes. Three lousy questions and your schedule! Now I don't think anyone would assume Taco Bell is brain surgery and judging from some of the people who've waited on me over the years, it can't be too tough to get a job there but this isn't an application to jockey the register or make crunchy chalupas. Check out the top. This is the Management Application!

The sad part is I'm willing to bet my year's earnings that they make more than me and I don't even get the discounted meals. I'm seriously considering changing careers. Any advice? Do you want mild, hot, or fire sauce with that?

Slang Project - Entry No. 49

double decker, n., a bathroom prank where a person moves his or her bowels into the back tank portion of a toilet so that when the toilet is later flushed, a pungent brown water refills the bowl