Is Faster Better?

I'll preface the following by telling you I was looking for Chapstick. I'm really good at following directions and reading maps, but I can never find what I'm looking for in any store other than a booksellers. That's why I majored in English.

Today, while searching through Target for the aforementioned Chapstick, I stumbled upon the yeast infection medicines and this really got me thinking.

I don't know about you, but when it comes to yeast infections the brand I trust is Monistat. It's what my mom used, her mom used, her mom's mom used, and so on and so back up until the time it was patented in its original formula when it actually contained a small amount of cocaine.

No, I'm not their new spokesman no matter how much that sounds like an endorsement, and no, I wasn't standing there in that aisle thinking, "Wow, I really need to recommend Monistat to all my blog readers in case they get a yeast infection 'cause it's the best." What I was thinking was that it seems kinda stupid to have the different varieties of Monistat. Here's what I saw:

Ah, good old Monistat 7. That's the one I remember from my high school years. Only 7 days of treatment and no doctor's prescription. Still on the shelf after all those years.

But, now there's also this:

Progress! Only 3 days! How can you not love that?

But it gets better! On the same shelf as the two above:

1 day! Use it, then forget about it.

So by now I expect that you've had the same thoughts as me: Who buys the 7 day treatment when you can get the 1 day? How hard is this decision for the potential customer?
Hmm, I could take care of it today, or I could just spend all week fighting it. I don't know. Maybe the 3 day one is best , so I'll have the long weekend covered; that'll give me something to do every morning!

Wracking my brains trying to figure out why, the only thing I could come up with is the price difference. You're thrifty, stretching your shopping dollar, so you buy the 7 day and have an extra $1.50 to buy a Coke at the register. Or maybe you're short a buck and all you can afford is the 3 day treatment. Good thing they still make it.

I picked up all three boxes and asked the pharmacist which one did she recommend. She shook her head and asked if I was serious. No, of course I wasn't. That was a dumb question. I put the 7 and 3 back and headed for the checkout.

I bought two 1 day treatments. I don't have a yeast infection, but when I do I'll be covered for 2 days if I need to be. That's still one day shorter than Monistat 3 and I feel pretty good about that. The only downside is that I forgot to buy my Chapstick, and my lips still hurt. But I'll get over it in a day or two!

Exhibit B

Cialis is a prescription medication that is used to treat ED (Erectile Dysfunction). Just saw the commercial on TV and was amused at the list of possible side effects. Ouch, it could suck really bad.

What didn't amuse me was the statement about STDs. "CIALIS does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV." You can read the exact same warning in the small print at the bottom of their web page: http://www.cialis.com

Here we have another warning for the stupid people. Why in the world would an ED drug protect you from STDs? Who would assume that? Does it subliminally make that claim somewhere in the literature? Maybe we should we put a warning on Coca-Cola that says, "This drink will not extend the life of your car's braking system." What about aspirin? "Taking Bayer will not give you the ability to fly like Superman." That's ridiculous. Only a moron would make an assumption like that.

Some people feel it necessary to defend the stupid people of the world. They might counter that there is no correlation between Coke and brakes, while there is one between ED and STDs. Yes, they are correct and this correlation makes the statement seem even more ridiculous than my examples. STD stands for what? Sexually transmitted disease. What does an ED drug do? It enables you to have Sex! It would make more sense to assume that Cialis would help you catch an STD, not prevent one. Not being able to have sex prevents STDs. Only an idiot would need a statement to address the complete opposite of this. Only an imbecile needs to be told that the medication doesn't do something that it never claimed to do in the first place. If the drug company was addressing sensible people, the warning would look more like: "Cialis will give you the opportunity to catch more STDs than is possible when your dick is limp." There's truth in advertising. Strike 2 for the stupids!

Exhibit A

I've finally started compiling. If I can be accused of prejudice against a group of people, that group would have to be stupid people. I ask you, do we really need them? Do we even want them? Before sentencing, we must set our parameters. And so it begins:




It's an out-of-the-way hole filled with large, jagged rocks and surrounded by a chain-link fence with no entrance. If you need a sign to tell you "Danger - Keep Out," you don't deserve to pass by unscathed.