1. I agree with the pizza box which says that Papa John's Gift Cards are great gifts for any occassion.
2. Pink was my favorite color for a number of years because I misunderstood a line in Superman the Movie. (It was the underwear he was talking about.)
3. I am in love with Rachel Miner.
4. I still have never punched out Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out even though I told my friends that I did.
5. I thought tissues could be flushed away the same way toilet paper can be until just a few years ago.
6. I really wanted to be a Marine for a number of years.
7. My favorite number is -5.
8. I estimate the I have spent well over 372 hours considering the problems and flaws with time travel as presented in the Back to the Future trilogy.
9. When I get drunk, I love to confess things.
10. I am drunk right now.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 82
Adam's Pajamas or Adam's P.J.'s, n., synonym for the nude human body; the state of complete nudity (from gay slang)
Monday, March 12, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Twins
The twins are coming soon but they haven't come yet. I hope they come tonight.
Even more specifically, I hope they are born close to midnight, with one being born before 12 and the other being born after. This way they will be twins with two different birthdays.
This is not a completely unique or an original idea, as I've actually met a twin born 10 minutes before his brother and on a different day because of the whole midnight thing. However, today is very special because it is February 28, and that means if one is born today and the other on March 1 then on leap years there will be an entire day between the two. That does sound like fun and unique.
Even better, the twins will turn 21 in the year 2028. That is a leap year. The first twin would legally be allowed to drink, go to bars, and gamble a full 48 hours before the other! How's that for sibling rivalry?
Even more specifically, I hope they are born close to midnight, with one being born before 12 and the other being born after. This way they will be twins with two different birthdays.
This is not a completely unique or an original idea, as I've actually met a twin born 10 minutes before his brother and on a different day because of the whole midnight thing. However, today is very special because it is February 28, and that means if one is born today and the other on March 1 then on leap years there will be an entire day between the two. That does sound like fun and unique.
Even better, the twins will turn 21 in the year 2028. That is a leap year. The first twin would legally be allowed to drink, go to bars, and gamble a full 48 hours before the other! How's that for sibling rivalry?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Stroking My Ego
Some things you may not know about me but probably should.
I counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.
If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.
I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.
I can unscramble an egg.
My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".
I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.
I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.
My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.
When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.
I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.
I lost my virginity before my dad did.
I do not sleep. I wait.
I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.
I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.
I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
What an unoriginal bastard I am.
I counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.
If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.
I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.
I can unscramble an egg.
My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".
I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.
I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.
My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.
When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.
I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.
I lost my virginity before my dad did.
I do not sleep. I wait.
I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.
I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.
I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
What an unoriginal bastard I am.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Grammar 101
What's wrong with this article?
Spears Out of Rehab Again
Spears Out of Rehab Again
"Troubled pop star Britney Spears has reportedly left a rehabilitation facility in Malibu, California, less than 24 hours after checking in. This is the second time in a week that the star has left a treatment center after less than one day - according to news website Tmz.com, Spears left Promises treatment Center early yesterday morning. According to further media reports, Spears tried to get into a tattoo parlor before returning to her home, but the shop was closed. On Friday, she shaved her head bald at a hair salon and then hit the Body & Soul Tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks, California, where she got a pink, black and white cross on her hip and pink and red lips on her wrist. She checked herself into Crossroads Center, a treatment facility founded by musician Eric Clapton last Wednesday, only to check out the following day."I'll give you a hint, the Crossroads Centre has been around longer than a week. I teach my students the importance of commas and word order, but you'd think that a writer for an internationally syndicated news network would already know this stuff.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Target Audience
The waste that is produced from marketing by mail appalls me. Not only do I have to throw away handfuls of ads every time I open my mailbox, but half of them are addressed to some guy named "Current Resident" who doesn't even live here!
Sometimes, however, I am more surprised by what is addressed to me. Take this postcard for example:
So I called and they hung up on me. I think it was comment about bleeding like a stuck pig with the Stigmata of Christ and ruining my white polyester pants. The lady on the phone didn't believe me.
Sometimes, however, I am more surprised by what is addressed to me. Take this postcard for example:
Yes, that came for me. Why? I've never had a period nor do I expect to get one and if I did I've decided I'd have a light to moderate flow anyway. The only criteria I fit is that I am between 18 and 49 years old.
So I called and they hung up on me. I think it was comment about bleeding like a stuck pig with the Stigmata of Christ and ruining my white polyester pants. The lady on the phone didn't believe me.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Ending Hunger in America
People should not go hungry in the US. Ever! In fact, if you are over the age of 16 it's downright impossible. If you ever find yourself without food or means to buy food, you could kill someone. After you turn yourself in, you will receive free food and lodging.
(Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. Brett is not suggesting you commit a crime in order to eat, simply pointing out that it is one way to avoid starvation.)
(Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. Brett is not suggesting you commit a crime in order to eat, simply pointing out that it is one way to avoid starvation.)
Monday, February 19, 2007
Slang Project- Entry No. 81
winter bush
1. n., a politically correct alternative term for "Christmas tree"
2. n., a politically incorrect term for extra hair growth a woman has in her bikini area and the top of her thighs during the cold season because she knows she will not be wearing shorts for the next 4 months
1. n., a politically correct alternative term for "Christmas tree"
2. n., a politically incorrect term for extra hair growth a woman has in her bikini area and the top of her thighs during the cold season because she knows she will not be wearing shorts for the next 4 months
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Wikipedia
It seems like it's getting harder and harder to find a fucked up article on Wikipedia. I remember only a few years ago when the most popular articles were vandalized on a daily basis, but now it seems like a pretty legit site. Someone's been taking care of it.
For the first time in about three months I came across a messed up entry. Three whole months without a misstep! I love 'em and kinda miss 'em, so here it is. Enjoy.
The entry is Carvel.
(Just in case it has been changed, I've pasted the article below.)
Carvel is an ice cream franchise owned by FOCUS Brands, Inc. – Carvel is well-known for its soft serve ice cream, its round Flying titties ice cream gangbang, and its ice cream cakes (including Fudgie the Cock, Hug-Me Penis, and Cookie Pussy - only available in the franchised stores). In addition to their franchised locations, Celebration Foods produces ice cream cakes for supermarket sales; however, the cakes destined for the supermarkets are produced in a factory, warehoused and shipped all over the country, and as such are not as fresh as those found in franchise stores. The stores can also customize their freshly made cakes in a variety of ways, such as flavor changes or putting photo images on cakes.
Carvel traces its origins to 1929, when founder Tom Carvel began operating an ice cream truck. When the truck broke down in Hartsdale, New York in 1934, Carvel set up shop at the site of the breakdown and by 1936, he had founded the Carvel Corporation and developed a secret soft-serve ice cream formula containing male ejaculant for extra yummy flavor.
Carvel is headquartered in Atlanta, GA. If you are a nigger we don't like you. (Current as of 9:35pm on 2/18/7)
FYI - I had nothing to do with the entry. I really love to surf Wikipedia, but I have yet to add anything to the site. Just reporting what I found.
For the first time in about three months I came across a messed up entry. Three whole months without a misstep! I love 'em and kinda miss 'em, so here it is. Enjoy.
The entry is Carvel.
(Just in case it has been changed, I've pasted the article below.)
Carvel is an ice cream franchise owned by FOCUS Brands, Inc. – Carvel is well-known for its soft serve ice cream, its round Flying titties ice cream gangbang, and its ice cream cakes (including Fudgie the Cock, Hug-Me Penis, and Cookie Pussy - only available in the franchised stores). In addition to their franchised locations, Celebration Foods produces ice cream cakes for supermarket sales; however, the cakes destined for the supermarkets are produced in a factory, warehoused and shipped all over the country, and as such are not as fresh as those found in franchise stores. The stores can also customize their freshly made cakes in a variety of ways, such as flavor changes or putting photo images on cakes.
Carvel traces its origins to 1929, when founder Tom Carvel began operating an ice cream truck. When the truck broke down in Hartsdale, New York in 1934, Carvel set up shop at the site of the breakdown and by 1936, he had founded the Carvel Corporation and developed a secret soft-serve ice cream formula containing male ejaculant for extra yummy flavor.
Carvel is headquartered in Atlanta, GA. If you are a nigger we don't like you. (Current as of 9:35pm on 2/18/7)
FYI - I had nothing to do with the entry. I really love to surf Wikipedia, but I have yet to add anything to the site. Just reporting what I found.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Anna Nicole
When I first heard the news Thursday night, I was happy. No, I was really happy. I was super duper happy. Good riddance to bad garbage. It always embarassed me when I saw her on TV because I knew that she probably evolved from the same apes that the rest of us did.
However, upon some reflection, I've started changing my mind about it all. Five days later and she is still monopolizing all the News outlets and that is really sad. Do we need an E! Special already? I wish she was still alive so she could just fade away into oblivion like any other decent no-talent piece of shit media whore would. RIP.
The stunning Anna Nicole at the peak of her "career."
Monday, February 12, 2007
Shazam!
I don't read many comic books, but I still have my favorites from when I was a kid. I loved Excaliber, She-Hulk, and all incarnations of Flash Gordon, and whenever I go into a comic book store I love to see what classics they've got. Another title I check up on is Shazam! I loved Shazam! when I was younger, especially the Saturday morning cartoon.
Shazam! is the name of the series, but the hero's name is actually Captain Marvel. When DC comics bought the rights to this comic in the 70's from a defunct Fawcett Publishing and started the series back up after a hiatus of 30 years, Marvel Comics had already trademarked the name and Shazam! became the new comic title. It's tough to find the older comic (Captain Marvel) but I recently found an issue from the 1940's and was surprised by the cover.
I cannot believe how prevalent and accepted racism was by my grandparents' generation. They were called the Greatest Generation but somehow the name doesn't quite seem appropriate.
Shazam! is the name of the series, but the hero's name is actually Captain Marvel. When DC comics bought the rights to this comic in the 70's from a defunct Fawcett Publishing and started the series back up after a hiatus of 30 years, Marvel Comics had already trademarked the name and Shazam! became the new comic title. It's tough to find the older comic (Captain Marvel) but I recently found an issue from the 1940's and was surprised by the cover.
I cannot believe how prevalent and accepted racism was by my grandparents' generation. They were called the Greatest Generation but somehow the name doesn't quite seem appropriate.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 80
texan, n., a man with a large penis, usually over 7" but this can vary according to individual experience
(Note that "texan" used in this way is not capitalized.)
(Note that "texan" used in this way is not capitalized.)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Etymology of a Boyfriend
Younger brothers and sisters seem to race through significant others faster than cell phone minutes, so I never bother learning their names until they've been around for at least three major holidays. Kodiak, my sister's current boyfriend, is an exception because I've already committed his name to memory and I only just met him at Christmas.
His real name is T.W., but we (Rain and I, that is) call him Kodiak. I think what makes him stand out is how he got his name from us.
I've know a few T.J.'s, two B.J.'s, three T.S.'s, a J.T., a J.R., a D.J., and even a C.W. from high school, but I've never even heard of a T.W. Neither have most people and it was hard trying to remember this especially after a hefty dose of eggnog. Christmas Eve consisted of quite a few mix-ups when relatives and I tried to address him. He was called by every one of the above initial names and just about every other combination of two letters you can make from our alphabet.
By Christmas morning, his name had morphed into three letters. DDT, IBM, AAA, NIN, etc. Somebody once even called him 4-H Club, but the name that stuck was ATV.
A day or two went by and ATV turned into brand names. All week he was either Kawasaki or Honda. He was Yamaha by New Year's Eve. And after the champagne cork broke the chandelier, Yamaha turned into Kodiak because Kodiak is the name of the big Yamaha ATV.
So TW is now Kodiak and whether he sticks around or not, we will remember him.
His real name is T.W., but we (Rain and I, that is) call him Kodiak. I think what makes him stand out is how he got his name from us.
I've know a few T.J.'s, two B.J.'s, three T.S.'s, a J.T., a J.R., a D.J., and even a C.W. from high school, but I've never even heard of a T.W. Neither have most people and it was hard trying to remember this especially after a hefty dose of eggnog. Christmas Eve consisted of quite a few mix-ups when relatives and I tried to address him. He was called by every one of the above initial names and just about every other combination of two letters you can make from our alphabet.
By Christmas morning, his name had morphed into three letters. DDT, IBM, AAA, NIN, etc. Somebody once even called him 4-H Club, but the name that stuck was ATV.
A day or two went by and ATV turned into brand names. All week he was either Kawasaki or Honda. He was Yamaha by New Year's Eve. And after the champagne cork broke the chandelier, Yamaha turned into Kodiak because Kodiak is the name of the big Yamaha ATV.
So TW is now Kodiak and whether he sticks around or not, we will remember him.
Friday, February 09, 2007
PETA
The other day a friend came out to me as being a member of PETA. Now I admit I had always suspected it but I tried my best to avoid actually knowing. I immediately went into mourning and during one of my crying fits I remembered the letter PETA had sent me about a month ago. It was a survey.
So I filled it out as best I could, but something irked me. Mainly, the second side:
What a bunch of assholes! They don't even give you a choice for Question 10. As you can see I had to hand write my answer because the only boxes for checking assume you answer "Yes." To top it all off, they have the nerve to give a "FREE" gift of a subscription and a book for $16. Free for $16. What the fuck?! It's stupid shit like this that keeps me wearing fur.
*Please note that I answered "Possibly" to Question 9 only because of the "particularly if there were health benefits" part.
So I filled it out as best I could, but something irked me. Mainly, the second side:
What a bunch of assholes! They don't even give you a choice for Question 10. As you can see I had to hand write my answer because the only boxes for checking assume you answer "Yes." To top it all off, they have the nerve to give a "FREE" gift of a subscription and a book for $16. Free for $16. What the fuck?! It's stupid shit like this that keeps me wearing fur.
*Please note that I answered "Possibly" to Question 9 only because of the "particularly if there were health benefits" part.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Superbowl Party
I was invited to a Superbowl party and got all excited. I love parties and Superbowl parties are the best! I couldn't wait for this weekend! Finally good times!
But then the invitation was suddenly rescinded. All my friends are gonna be there but I can't go. I'm sad.
But then the invitation was suddenly rescinded. All my friends are gonna be there but I can't go. I'm sad.
GI Joe
If I had to have sex with a GI Joe, again I mean if my life and the lives of those people I care about depended on it, I'd fuck Zandar, brother of the better known Zartan. Zandar is always dressed to party with the trademark baby blue handband and showing off those beautiful six-pack abs. Sure he has a temper, but not a bad one, and since big brother Zartan is almost always around and just as cute, a threesome is a distinct possiblility. Yum!
Zandar
Zartan
FYI - Zartan has a condition that causes his skin to turn green in direct sunlight. How many people can say they had sex with a green person? I'd be one.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
Lawsuit
It turns out that 3 out of 4 personal injury lawyers here in Vegas say that I cannot sue a toilet paper company just because their product ripped in the middle of my using it. The 4th lawyer said I could sue claiming a defective product but that my winnings from Charmin would not be enough to interest her in my case. She suggested I simply call the comment/complaint number on the package and see if they will send me a coupon for replacement. Free toilet paper is great but what about my pain and suffering?
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
My Little Pony
If I had to have sex with a My Little Pony, I mean if my life and the lives of those people I care about depended on it, I'd fuck Windy because Windy has a clear, level-headed personality and a nice gallop. Also the horn looks appealing.
Windy
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 78
butter face, n., a woman with an attractive body and a not-so-attractive face
(From: "She has awesome body, but her face is ugly.")
(From: "She has awesome body, but her face is ugly.")
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
"We do chicken right!"
A placemat from KFC. I got this while I was eating at an A&W / Long John Silver's, not at a KFC. I know they have the same owners, but that just seems careless.
Lots of cute little statements:
Yeah, I believe that one.
Time-honored? KFC just turned 50 a few years ago. My dad's older than that!
Rare usage of the word plate. I admit I'm impressed.
Okay, you got me. What are authentic kitchen methods? Are there some inauthentic kitchen methods out there?
Lots of cute little statements:
Yeah, I believe that one.
Time-honored? KFC just turned 50 a few years ago. My dad's older than that!
Rare usage of the word plate. I admit I'm impressed.
Okay, you got me. What are authentic kitchen methods? Are there some inauthentic kitchen methods out there?
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Time Saving Tip #7
When going to see a parade, walk in the opposite direction of the way the parade is marching. This will appear to speed up the parade while still allowing you to see the whole thing. Depending on your walking speed, you can cut the time spent watching in half or better!
NOTE: Take care not to walk in the wrong direction. This will make the parade unbearably long and you will only see one part of it.
NOTE: Take care not to walk in the wrong direction. This will make the parade unbearably long and you will only see one part of it.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Monday, December 25, 2006
Conserving Water
It seems to be more of a small town problem rather than a plague of larger urban areas. Life is a little bit slower, neighborhoods are a little bit safer, and homemakers are a little bit more creative. Yes, I'm talking about putting small plants on the back of toilets or in other strategic locations in and around the guest bathroom. It's a nice decoration, rustic and cozy, and it does its part to help hide odors on normal occasions. But there is a darker side - you need to watch out when throwing a party, especially if alcohol is involved.
After a few beers, guests are gripped be the unrelenting urge to "water" the bathroom plant. It's drying out right in front of them, the door is locked for privacy, and the drunken feeling of goodwill to all men and other living things is almost tangible.
I must admit I felt this on more than a few occasions at a Christmas Eve Party last night and did my part. And I was releived to find that I was not alone. Even during my first trip to the bathroom, I noticed a small puddle forming underneath the fern's basket. You should've seen how much it grew as the night wore on and the eggnog dissappeared. Merry Christmas!
After a few beers, guests are gripped be the unrelenting urge to "water" the bathroom plant. It's drying out right in front of them, the door is locked for privacy, and the drunken feeling of goodwill to all men and other living things is almost tangible.
I must admit I felt this on more than a few occasions at a Christmas Eve Party last night and did my part. And I was releived to find that I was not alone. Even during my first trip to the bathroom, I noticed a small puddle forming underneath the fern's basket. You should've seen how much it grew as the night wore on and the eggnog dissappeared. Merry Christmas!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Is Faster Better?
I'll preface the following by telling you I was looking for Chapstick. I'm really good at following directions and reading maps, but I can never find what I'm looking for in any store other than a booksellers. That's why I majored in English.
Today, while searching through Target for the aforementioned Chapstick, I stumbled upon the yeast infection medicines and this really got me thinking.
I don't know about you, but when it comes to yeast infections the brand I trust is Monistat. It's what my mom used, her mom used, her mom's mom used, and so on and so back up until the time it was patented in its original formula when it actually contained a small amount of cocaine.
No, I'm not their new spokesman no matter how much that sounds like an endorsement, and no, I wasn't standing there in that aisle thinking, "Wow, I really need to recommend Monistat to all my blog readers in case they get a yeast infection 'cause it's the best." What I was thinking was that it seems kinda stupid to have the different varieties of Monistat. Here's what I saw:
Ah, good old Monistat 7. That's the one I remember from my high school years. Only 7 days of treatment and no doctor's prescription. Still on the shelf after all those years.
But, now there's also this:
Progress! Only 3 days! How can you not love that?
But it gets better! On the same shelf as the two above:
1 day! Use it, then forget about it.
So by now I expect that you've had the same thoughts as me: Who buys the 7 day treatment when you can get the 1 day? How hard is this decision for the potential customer?
Hmm, I could take care of it today, or I could just spend all week fighting it. I don't know. Maybe the 3 day one is best , so I'll have the long weekend covered; that'll give me something to do every morning!
Wracking my brains trying to figure out why, the only thing I could come up with is the price difference. You're thrifty, stretching your shopping dollar, so you buy the 7 day and have an extra $1.50 to buy a Coke at the register. Or maybe you're short a buck and all you can afford is the 3 day treatment. Good thing they still make it.
I picked up all three boxes and asked the pharmacist which one did she recommend. She shook her head and asked if I was serious. No, of course I wasn't. That was a dumb question. I put the 7 and 3 back and headed for the checkout.
I bought two 1 day treatments. I don't have a yeast infection, but when I do I'll be covered for 2 days if I need to be. That's still one day shorter than Monistat 3 and I feel pretty good about that. The only downside is that I forgot to buy my Chapstick, and my lips still hurt. But I'll get over it in a day or two!
Today, while searching through Target for the aforementioned Chapstick, I stumbled upon the yeast infection medicines and this really got me thinking.
I don't know about you, but when it comes to yeast infections the brand I trust is Monistat. It's what my mom used, her mom used, her mom's mom used, and so on and so back up until the time it was patented in its original formula when it actually contained a small amount of cocaine.
No, I'm not their new spokesman no matter how much that sounds like an endorsement, and no, I wasn't standing there in that aisle thinking, "Wow, I really need to recommend Monistat to all my blog readers in case they get a yeast infection 'cause it's the best." What I was thinking was that it seems kinda stupid to have the different varieties of Monistat. Here's what I saw:
Ah, good old Monistat 7. That's the one I remember from my high school years. Only 7 days of treatment and no doctor's prescription. Still on the shelf after all those years.
But, now there's also this:
Progress! Only 3 days! How can you not love that?
But it gets better! On the same shelf as the two above:
1 day! Use it, then forget about it.
So by now I expect that you've had the same thoughts as me: Who buys the 7 day treatment when you can get the 1 day? How hard is this decision for the potential customer?
Hmm, I could take care of it today, or I could just spend all week fighting it. I don't know. Maybe the 3 day one is best , so I'll have the long weekend covered; that'll give me something to do every morning!
Wracking my brains trying to figure out why, the only thing I could come up with is the price difference. You're thrifty, stretching your shopping dollar, so you buy the 7 day and have an extra $1.50 to buy a Coke at the register. Or maybe you're short a buck and all you can afford is the 3 day treatment. Good thing they still make it.
I picked up all three boxes and asked the pharmacist which one did she recommend. She shook her head and asked if I was serious. No, of course I wasn't. That was a dumb question. I put the 7 and 3 back and headed for the checkout.
I bought two 1 day treatments. I don't have a yeast infection, but when I do I'll be covered for 2 days if I need to be. That's still one day shorter than Monistat 3 and I feel pretty good about that. The only downside is that I forgot to buy my Chapstick, and my lips still hurt. But I'll get over it in a day or two!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Exhibit B
Cialis is a prescription medication that is used to treat ED (Erectile Dysfunction). Just saw the commercial on TV and was amused at the list of possible side effects. Ouch, it could suck really bad.
What didn't amuse me was the statement about STDs. "CIALIS does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV." You can read the exact same warning in the small print at the bottom of their web page: http://www.cialis.com
Here we have another warning for the stupid people. Why in the world would an ED drug protect you from STDs? Who would assume that? Does it subliminally make that claim somewhere in the literature? Maybe we should we put a warning on Coca-Cola that says, "This drink will not extend the life of your car's braking system." What about aspirin? "Taking Bayer will not give you the ability to fly like Superman." That's ridiculous. Only a moron would make an assumption like that.
Some people feel it necessary to defend the stupid people of the world. They might counter that there is no correlation between Coke and brakes, while there is one between ED and STDs. Yes, they are correct and this correlation makes the statement seem even more ridiculous than my examples. STD stands for what? Sexually transmitted disease. What does an ED drug do? It enables you to have Sex! It would make more sense to assume that Cialis would help you catch an STD, not prevent one. Not being able to have sex prevents STDs. Only an idiot would need a statement to address the complete opposite of this. Only an imbecile needs to be told that the medication doesn't do something that it never claimed to do in the first place. If the drug company was addressing sensible people, the warning would look more like: "Cialis will give you the opportunity to catch more STDs than is possible when your dick is limp." There's truth in advertising. Strike 2 for the stupids!
What didn't amuse me was the statement about STDs. "CIALIS does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV." You can read the exact same warning in the small print at the bottom of their web page: http://www.cialis.com
Here we have another warning for the stupid people. Why in the world would an ED drug protect you from STDs? Who would assume that? Does it subliminally make that claim somewhere in the literature? Maybe we should we put a warning on Coca-Cola that says, "This drink will not extend the life of your car's braking system." What about aspirin? "Taking Bayer will not give you the ability to fly like Superman." That's ridiculous. Only a moron would make an assumption like that.
Some people feel it necessary to defend the stupid people of the world. They might counter that there is no correlation between Coke and brakes, while there is one between ED and STDs. Yes, they are correct and this correlation makes the statement seem even more ridiculous than my examples. STD stands for what? Sexually transmitted disease. What does an ED drug do? It enables you to have Sex! It would make more sense to assume that Cialis would help you catch an STD, not prevent one. Not being able to have sex prevents STDs. Only an idiot would need a statement to address the complete opposite of this. Only an imbecile needs to be told that the medication doesn't do something that it never claimed to do in the first place. If the drug company was addressing sensible people, the warning would look more like: "Cialis will give you the opportunity to catch more STDs than is possible when your dick is limp." There's truth in advertising. Strike 2 for the stupids!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Exhibit A
I've finally started compiling. If I can be accused of prejudice against a group of people, that group would have to be stupid people. I ask you, do we really need them? Do we even want them? Before sentencing, we must set our parameters. And so it begins:
It's an out-of-the-way hole filled with large, jagged rocks and surrounded by a chain-link fence with no entrance. If you need a sign to tell you "Danger - Keep Out," you don't deserve to pass by unscathed.
It's an out-of-the-way hole filled with large, jagged rocks and surrounded by a chain-link fence with no entrance. If you need a sign to tell you "Danger - Keep Out," you don't deserve to pass by unscathed.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Slang Project - Entry No. 75
Moses, n., a person, usually male, who enjoys performing cunnilingus when the recipient is menstruating (comes from the idea that the Biblical Moses parted the Red Sea)
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A Bad Day
Today was a bad day. Not that anything of terrible note happened, just felt like shit. In a last ditch effort to try and go to bed without crying, I decided to read the daily news. Like most people, hearing about the misery of others does wonders to cheer me up. Unfortunately, it only made things worse. I love living in Vegas; it has so much to offer and is such an awesome place. I feel so strongly that even when I travel I take some sort of pride in telling people that I'm from here. That is until I read this:
Mayor Declares Paris Hilton Day In LV
August 30, 2006 - Thousands of Paris Hilton fans crowded the Las Vegas Strip last night, to get a glimpse of the celebrity turned singer. Mayor Oscar Goodman declared yesterday "Paris Hilton Day" in Sin City, and comic Jeff Beacher arranged to have skywriters above the Strip, congratulating Paris on her new self-titled CD. Hilton attended a launch party that began at Beacher's new "Rockhouse" at the Imperial Palace, and ended across the street with an appearance at the Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace. A street festival to mark the event was held on the Strip. The first single from Paris' album "Stars are Blind," has reportedly done well. The next single will be "Turn It Up."
My day is complete.
Mayor Declares Paris Hilton Day In LV
August 30, 2006 - Thousands of Paris Hilton fans crowded the Las Vegas Strip last night, to get a glimpse of the celebrity turned singer. Mayor Oscar Goodman declared yesterday "Paris Hilton Day" in Sin City, and comic Jeff Beacher arranged to have skywriters above the Strip, congratulating Paris on her new self-titled CD. Hilton attended a launch party that began at Beacher's new "Rockhouse" at the Imperial Palace, and ended across the street with an appearance at the Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace. A street festival to mark the event was held on the Strip. The first single from Paris' album "Stars are Blind," has reportedly done well. The next single will be "Turn It Up."
My day is complete.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Warren Jeffs Arrested!
The story of Warren Jeffs is full of shocking facts and accusations. Perhaps what's most shocking though are the details of his arrest. Jeffs was pulled over on the I-15 by a Nevada patrolman because his temporary tag wasn't easily readable. Maybe the national news media can be excused for their ignorance, but the local coverage is highly negligent for failing to comment on this. Everyone who lives in Las Vegas should know that license plates are optional! Just take a look around the next time you are driving and I guarantee at least 20% of the cars on the road have no license plate at all, and have you ever seen one of them stopped by police?! There's something fishy about this story, and I want to know why Jeffs was really pulled over by Trooper Kevin Honea. Just cause there's a white guy in nice car doesn't mean he's a criminal!
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Vegas Movies
Maybe it's cause I live here, but I'm a sucker for films that take place in Las Vegas. I've studied Casino, rewatched Vegas Vacation, and even made it to the end of 3,000 Miles to Graceland. That's right, I'll sit through just about any movie that takes place in Sin City, but today I had second thoughts.
At my local Hollywood Video I came across the straight-to-video winner Bachelor Party Vegas. I almost didn't see it but as I was walking down the aisle, I caught the bright yellow "Vegas" written in generic font in the corner of my eye.
Now if the cover art wasn't bad enought, you always know the movie is crap when on the back they list all the other movies the actors have been in. Follow this with the name of a film company that nobody's ever heard of, mystery critics who's only thoughts are "...hilarious...", and you know this film has to be a classic.
Normally I would've stopped there, left it sitting on the shelf, and never gave it a second thought. But then there was the tagline.
The purpose of a tagline is to quickly convey what the movie is about and implant itself into the minds of potential viewers. This is how movies are sold. Taglines should be unique and enticing. They should whet a viewer's appetite and leave them wanting or even needing to see the film. Some examples:
Jaws 2 - "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water..."
Platoon - "The first casualty of war is innocence."
Independence Day - "Earth. Take a good look, it might be your last."
Silent Rage - "Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him."
The tagline for Bachelor Party Vegas: "This is one weekend they will never forget!" The exclamation point is theirs, not mine. Wow. Better still, I tried typing it into Google, and the only results I got were for Bachelor Party Vegas. Absolutely amazing. I had to rent it.
Don't expect a review or anything; I'm sure I've already given it more time than it deserves by sitting here writing this. But I had to share that tagline... "This is one weekend they will never forget!" I get chills. Really, I do.
*Anyways, to end on a higher note - a few other films, of varying worth, that were shot and take place in Vegas:
The Cooler
Diamonds are Forever
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Honeymoon in Vegas
Leaving Las Vegas
Ocean's 11
Showgirls
Viva Las Vegas
At my local Hollywood Video I came across the straight-to-video winner Bachelor Party Vegas. I almost didn't see it but as I was walking down the aisle, I caught the bright yellow "Vegas" written in generic font in the corner of my eye.
Now if the cover art wasn't bad enought, you always know the movie is crap when on the back they list all the other movies the actors have been in. Follow this with the name of a film company that nobody's ever heard of, mystery critics who's only thoughts are "...hilarious...", and you know this film has to be a classic.
Normally I would've stopped there, left it sitting on the shelf, and never gave it a second thought. But then there was the tagline.
The purpose of a tagline is to quickly convey what the movie is about and implant itself into the minds of potential viewers. This is how movies are sold. Taglines should be unique and enticing. They should whet a viewer's appetite and leave them wanting or even needing to see the film. Some examples:
Jaws 2 - "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water..."
Platoon - "The first casualty of war is innocence."
Independence Day - "Earth. Take a good look, it might be your last."
Silent Rage - "Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him."
The tagline for Bachelor Party Vegas: "This is one weekend they will never forget!" The exclamation point is theirs, not mine. Wow. Better still, I tried typing it into Google, and the only results I got were for Bachelor Party Vegas. Absolutely amazing. I had to rent it.
Don't expect a review or anything; I'm sure I've already given it more time than it deserves by sitting here writing this. But I had to share that tagline... "This is one weekend they will never forget!" I get chills. Really, I do.
*Anyways, to end on a higher note - a few other films, of varying worth, that were shot and take place in Vegas:
The Cooler
Diamonds are Forever
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Honeymoon in Vegas
Leaving Las Vegas
Ocean's 11
Showgirls
Viva Las Vegas
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Slang Project - Entry No. 73
ten pinter, n., an unattractive person (as in you might consider sleeping with him/her, but only after you've had ten pints of beer)
Saturday, August 19, 2006
5 More Questions
Another long drive yesterday so I have some more questions. Please help out if you can.
1. Does smoking poison ivy have any harmful side effects?
2. Where does the soft drink 7-Up get its name from?
3. Is it illegal to film metally retarded persons having sex if they are over the age of 18 and you comply with Title 18 U.S.C. 2257?
4. What are some possible scientific explanations for the present condition of St. Bernadette's body?
5. Where do babies come from? (Okay, I know the answer to this one but I like to hear people talking about sex. It gives me a boner.)
(The picture in this post is of St. Bernadette.)
1. Does smoking poison ivy have any harmful side effects?
2. Where does the soft drink 7-Up get its name from?
3. Is it illegal to film metally retarded persons having sex if they are over the age of 18 and you comply with Title 18 U.S.C. 2257?
4. What are some possible scientific explanations for the present condition of St. Bernadette's body?
5. Where do babies come from? (Okay, I know the answer to this one but I like to hear people talking about sex. It gives me a boner.)
(The picture in this post is of St. Bernadette.)
Monthly Call To Life - The Unauthorized, Unrelated Sequel
Trademarks are serious business. Imagine anyone being able to put a Nike Swoosh on their shoes and then selling the second rate product to the unsuspecting public. Or what if I made my own steak sauce and called it A1? I'd make a quick buck but there would be some disgruntled carnivores out there. Coca-Cola is "The Real Thing," Fox News is "Fair and Balanced," and MasterCard tells us "Don't leave home without it," but what if I want to describe my new cereal The Breakfast of Champions? I can't because that slogan belongs to Wheaties. All these phrases are protected by American copyright law to ensure fair business and advertising. A trademark is intellectual property that companies fight hard to protect and they hope will become synonomous with there product.
But there are limits to trademarks. I couldn't simply tradmark the term soda to describe my new soft drink for obvious reasons. In the past businesses have failed to trademark words like credit card or potato chip, again for obvious reasons. A trademark must be a unique term or phrase, not just a generic one.
A recognized trademark is noted by the little "TM" that follows it when it appears in print. This means the company has registered it with the Library of Congress Copyright Office and they own the sole right to reproduce it and use it in marketing their product. Which brings me to this picture:
If you look closely at the writing on this complimentary sanitary napkin disposal bag that I recently picked up at a motel I was staying at you'll notice that it is a "Fresh Scent" disposal bag. I assume that the "Fresh Scent" refers to the pleasant flowery smell that emanates from inside the bag. Ah, refreshing! Also notice the TM:
This bag is making the claim that the company producing it owns the phrase "Fresh Scent!" Keep this in mind the next time you describe something as having a "Fresh Scent" because you may be guilty of copyright infringement!! I would advise that if you absolutely need to say that something has a "Fresh Scent" then you should first contact the manufacturer and ask them for permission so you don't find yourself in court paying steep fines. Here are the owners:
Pretty surprising, huh? I never would've guessed that a phrase like that would be owned by some little company in small town Illinois. Or could they be lying?
And while we're on the subject of feminine hygiene, check out this vending machine:
Mmm, what a tasty treat! I admit I don't buy that many tampons but $1.50 for one seems a little bit expensive. An entire roll of toilet paper doesn't cost that much. Hell, the salami is only $.85 and there are two of them in the package. And who decided to put the salami right next to the tampons anyway? Kind of confusing.
But there are limits to trademarks. I couldn't simply tradmark the term soda to describe my new soft drink for obvious reasons. In the past businesses have failed to trademark words like credit card or potato chip, again for obvious reasons. A trademark must be a unique term or phrase, not just a generic one.
A recognized trademark is noted by the little "TM" that follows it when it appears in print. This means the company has registered it with the Library of Congress Copyright Office and they own the sole right to reproduce it and use it in marketing their product. Which brings me to this picture:
If you look closely at the writing on this complimentary sanitary napkin disposal bag that I recently picked up at a motel I was staying at you'll notice that it is a "Fresh Scent" disposal bag. I assume that the "Fresh Scent" refers to the pleasant flowery smell that emanates from inside the bag. Ah, refreshing! Also notice the TM:
This bag is making the claim that the company producing it owns the phrase "Fresh Scent!" Keep this in mind the next time you describe something as having a "Fresh Scent" because you may be guilty of copyright infringement!! I would advise that if you absolutely need to say that something has a "Fresh Scent" then you should first contact the manufacturer and ask them for permission so you don't find yourself in court paying steep fines. Here are the owners:
Pretty surprising, huh? I never would've guessed that a phrase like that would be owned by some little company in small town Illinois. Or could they be lying?And while we're on the subject of feminine hygiene, check out this vending machine:
Mmm, what a tasty treat! I admit I don't buy that many tampons but $1.50 for one seems a little bit expensive. An entire roll of toilet paper doesn't cost that much. Hell, the salami is only $.85 and there are two of them in the package. And who decided to put the salami right next to the tampons anyway? Kind of confusing.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Slang Project - Entry No. 72
Canuck, n., Canadian (although it now refers to any Canadian, in the past [and to some extent still in New England and the eastern part of Canada] Canuck referred specifically to a French Canadien)
Is Canuck an offensive term? I had always assumed it was, so during my recent trip to British Columbia I met a few Canadians and asked them for their thoughts. They said that they were not offended being called Canucks and didn't believe that it was derogatory in any way, that it is a common American misconception that Canuck is offensive. As proof of its harmlessness, they informed me that there is even an NHL hockey team from Vancouver that is called the Canucks (click on it to go to their homepage if you don't believe me).
After some discussion, we realized that I, along with many other Americans, had come to think of Canuck as demeaning for two reasons: The first is obvious. It is offensive because of what it refers to - Canadians. What if someone called me a Canuck? Of course I'd be offended, downright pissed off, but that's because I'm not a fucking Canadian. Canadians, however, are Canadians. They are not ashamed so Canuck works for them.
The second reason Americans think Canuck might be offensive is because of its usual context. How often do we hear things such as: Those stupid Canucks need to get their own culture or How many damn Canucks does it take to screw in a light bulb or Celine Dion is a Canuck. Canuck by itself is not an offensive term. The only thing offensive about calling someone a Canuck is those adjectives that we usually put in front of it when talking about them. Next time instead of calling a Canadian a dirty Canuck or a good-for-nothing Canuck, just try Canuck by itself. You'll see how unoffensive it really is to them. And, if you're lucky, you just might make a new friend with access to OTC codeine.
Is Canuck an offensive term? I had always assumed it was, so during my recent trip to British Columbia I met a few Canadians and asked them for their thoughts. They said that they were not offended being called Canucks and didn't believe that it was derogatory in any way, that it is a common American misconception that Canuck is offensive. As proof of its harmlessness, they informed me that there is even an NHL hockey team from Vancouver that is called the Canucks (click on it to go to their homepage if you don't believe me).
After some discussion, we realized that I, along with many other Americans, had come to think of Canuck as demeaning for two reasons: The first is obvious. It is offensive because of what it refers to - Canadians. What if someone called me a Canuck? Of course I'd be offended, downright pissed off, but that's because I'm not a fucking Canadian. Canadians, however, are Canadians. They are not ashamed so Canuck works for them.
The second reason Americans think Canuck might be offensive is because of its usual context. How often do we hear things such as: Those stupid Canucks need to get their own culture or How many damn Canucks does it take to screw in a light bulb or Celine Dion is a Canuck. Canuck by itself is not an offensive term. The only thing offensive about calling someone a Canuck is those adjectives that we usually put in front of it when talking about them. Next time instead of calling a Canadian a dirty Canuck or a good-for-nothing Canuck, just try Canuck by itself. You'll see how unoffensive it really is to them. And, if you're lucky, you just might make a new friend with access to OTC codeine.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
West Coast Trip
I finally made a trip up the west coast. Here are some pictures from it.
First, we had to make it out of Nevada. We took 95 up to Reno. Along the way we stopped in Goldfield to check out this amazing store:
Then we entered Bigfoot country in Willow Creek, California:
The next day we visited Redwood National Forest. There is a tree you can drive through if your car is small enough. Against A---'s advice, I attempt to drive her car through:
It took about five hours for the tow-truck people to get it out. The car was undrivable afterwards because the rear axel was bent.
In Oregon, our motel had a pool. However, I was very disappointed to learn that is was only open 3 hours a day.
After I talked to the lady at the front desk and expressed my displeasure, she assured me that 12pm means midnight. When I asked if this "12pm means midnight" was true for all of Oregon, she said no. She said that some of the eastern part of the state is in a different time zone so 12pm would mean 1am there. I didn't ask her any more questions.
In Washington, I visited Twin Peaks country.
Rather than retrace our steps, we decided to take a different route home. I learned that they have keno in Idaho, but it isn't quite as advanced:
I had to play at least one game, but I lost. I picked number 3. Damn, I never win.
Finally, we drove through Utah and I decided we should stop and check out some of the Mormon scenery. We visited the Brigham Young Lotus Temple. Much more exotic than I expected (Notice our rental car in the first picture):
First, we had to make it out of Nevada. We took 95 up to Reno. Along the way we stopped in Goldfield to check out this amazing store:
Then we entered Bigfoot country in Willow Creek, California:
The next day we visited Redwood National Forest. There is a tree you can drive through if your car is small enough. Against A---'s advice, I attempt to drive her car through:
It took about five hours for the tow-truck people to get it out. The car was undrivable afterwards because the rear axel was bent.
In Oregon, our motel had a pool. However, I was very disappointed to learn that is was only open 3 hours a day.
After I talked to the lady at the front desk and expressed my displeasure, she assured me that 12pm means midnight. When I asked if this "12pm means midnight" was true for all of Oregon, she said no. She said that some of the eastern part of the state is in a different time zone so 12pm would mean 1am there. I didn't ask her any more questions.
In Washington, I visited Twin Peaks country.
Rather than retrace our steps, we decided to take a different route home. I learned that they have keno in Idaho, but it isn't quite as advanced:
I had to play at least one game, but I lost. I picked number 3. Damn, I never win.
Finally, we drove through Utah and I decided we should stop and check out some of the Mormon scenery. We visited the Brigham Young Lotus Temple. Much more exotic than I expected (Notice our rental car in the first picture):
Monday, August 14, 2006
Slang Project - Entry No. 71
Canadian highway, n., a secondary road, usually with only two lanes, that is heavily traveled, always congested, and the product of piss-poor planning
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Slang Project - Entry No. 70
Tab soda, n., the drug 3,4 methylenedioxymethamphetamine, more commonly known as MDMA or ecstasy
Monday, July 31, 2006
To Do Before I Die - No. 28
A lot of people that I know who have cats keep the litter box in the bathroom. This makes perfect sense to me; let's keep all waste in the same place. It's also convenient in keeping offensive smells, animal and human, trapped in one room rather than floating throughout the house. Please note that there is no sarcasm in my voice, and as you read on, you'll realize that I really wish everyone did this as it would afford me more opportunities to fulfill my wish.
Someday before I die, I want to go to a party where the host has a litter box in the bathroom. When no one is looking, I'll slip inside, turn on the fan, and lock the door behind me. Then, rather than use the toilet, I will take a shit in the litter box. Hopefully this will all happen quickly so that I can also slip out unnoticed and rejoin the partying.
Later in the evening, I will hope for someone to say something. If no one gets drunk enough to point it out, I'll have to do it myself.
"Say Chuck, I was just in your bathroom. How big is your cat?"
"What do you mean, Brett?"
"There's an awfully big turd in that litter box. It must not be a kitten."
Then the whole party will move to the bathroom to look. They'll say, "Wow, Chuck! Brett's right. I hope your cat's not loose in the house anywhere." or "Holy Mary Mother of God! What do you feed that thing?"
I always wanted to be at a party where my shit was the center of attention. This would afford me that opportunity without any of the embarassment that would go along with me shitting my pants or the anger that would come with me taking a dump on the host's couch. As an added bonus, any cat owner can attest to the fact that clean-up would also be a snap.
Someday before I die, I want to go to a party where the host has a litter box in the bathroom. When no one is looking, I'll slip inside, turn on the fan, and lock the door behind me. Then, rather than use the toilet, I will take a shit in the litter box. Hopefully this will all happen quickly so that I can also slip out unnoticed and rejoin the partying.
Later in the evening, I will hope for someone to say something. If no one gets drunk enough to point it out, I'll have to do it myself.
"Say Chuck, I was just in your bathroom. How big is your cat?"
"What do you mean, Brett?"
"There's an awfully big turd in that litter box. It must not be a kitten."
Then the whole party will move to the bathroom to look. They'll say, "Wow, Chuck! Brett's right. I hope your cat's not loose in the house anywhere." or "Holy Mary Mother of God! What do you feed that thing?"
I always wanted to be at a party where my shit was the center of attention. This would afford me that opportunity without any of the embarassment that would go along with me shitting my pants or the anger that would come with me taking a dump on the host's couch. As an added bonus, any cat owner can attest to the fact that clean-up would also be a snap.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
More Envelopes
Do envelopes like these look familiar?
I hate getting credit card ads in the mail. On the news, they tell us that we must shred these unwanted applications or risk having thieves steal our identities. I didn't ask for that responsibility, did you?
If you have some extra free time (which you obviously do if you're wasting your time reading blogs on Myspace), you can get back at these companies for exposing you to identity theft by hitting them where it hurts: their wallets. The way these postage paid business reply envelopes work is that the company that issues them has made an arrangement with the US Postal Service where they must pay the postage on all envelopes that they receive back.
So instead of just throwing the envelope away, drop it in the mail. The company has to pay for the empty envelope whether they like it or not and your garbage bag is that much lighter. Better yet, throw some other garbage in the envelope like the grocery circulars or other credit card ads because the fact of the matter is that the credit card company pays for the postage based on weight so the heavier the envelope, the more money they have to lay out for bothering you. I've gotten a little creative in the past and put lead fishing weights into some of the envelopes to try and break the dollar postage mark, but what you need to remember is that every little bit counts. Sure, a $4 envelope is wonderful revenge, but just as good are 10 empty ones becasue they'll still have to spend the time opening each and every one of them. I like to imagine them opening up my envelopes and calling the supervisor over in disbelief. He'll put his hands on his hips and shake his head before patting the employee on the back saying, "They got us again. This keeps up and you and I'll be out of a job." Good riddance.
Legal disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Neither Brett nor his ensigns condone the type of behavior described above and all readers are asked not to try this at home. Thank you and fuck the greedy credti card companies
I hate getting credit card ads in the mail. On the news, they tell us that we must shred these unwanted applications or risk having thieves steal our identities. I didn't ask for that responsibility, did you?
If you have some extra free time (which you obviously do if you're wasting your time reading blogs on Myspace), you can get back at these companies for exposing you to identity theft by hitting them where it hurts: their wallets. The way these postage paid business reply envelopes work is that the company that issues them has made an arrangement with the US Postal Service where they must pay the postage on all envelopes that they receive back.
So instead of just throwing the envelope away, drop it in the mail. The company has to pay for the empty envelope whether they like it or not and your garbage bag is that much lighter. Better yet, throw some other garbage in the envelope like the grocery circulars or other credit card ads because the fact of the matter is that the credit card company pays for the postage based on weight so the heavier the envelope, the more money they have to lay out for bothering you. I've gotten a little creative in the past and put lead fishing weights into some of the envelopes to try and break the dollar postage mark, but what you need to remember is that every little bit counts. Sure, a $4 envelope is wonderful revenge, but just as good are 10 empty ones becasue they'll still have to spend the time opening each and every one of them. I like to imagine them opening up my envelopes and calling the supervisor over in disbelief. He'll put his hands on his hips and shake his head before patting the employee on the back saying, "They got us again. This keeps up and you and I'll be out of a job." Good riddance.
Legal disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Neither Brett nor his ensigns condone the type of behavior described above and all readers are asked not to try this at home. Thank you and fuck the greedy credti card companies
Saturday, July 29, 2006
ADA Compliant?
Recently, Wells Fargo sent me a courtesy return envelope. Postage was not prepaid but, lucky for me, instructions were provided.
A close up:
Silly me, I almost put the stamp inside. Thank you Wells Fargo!
A close up:
Silly me, I almost put the stamp inside. Thank you Wells Fargo!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Slang Project - Entry No. 69
96 or ninety-six, n., a sexual act where after a couple finishes performing a 69 on each other they both roll over and defecate into each other's hair (usually occurs after spending many years with the same partner as an attempt to either "spice things up" or vent grievances)
Friday, July 21, 2006
5 Questions
Long drives leave alot of time for thinking. Here are a couple questions I've been pondering. If you can help answer them, I'd appreciate it.
1. Do penguins taste more like chicken or more like fish?
2. Does albino porn exist?
3. Did any of the 16 survivors of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 face criminal charges for eating their deceased companions?
4. If leukemia causes the body to overproduce white blood cells and AIDS destroys white blood cells, what happens to a person who has both diseases?
5. Is there a museum of gynecological history?
(The stamp in this post was issued in Uruguay as a memorial to Flight 571)
1. Do penguins taste more like chicken or more like fish?
2. Does albino porn exist?
3. Did any of the 16 survivors of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 face criminal charges for eating their deceased companions?
4. If leukemia causes the body to overproduce white blood cells and AIDS destroys white blood cells, what happens to a person who has both diseases?
5. Is there a museum of gynecological history?
(The stamp in this post was issued in Uruguay as a memorial to Flight 571)