The Month of March

January is National Volunteer Blood Donor Month. February is Black History Month and National Children’s Dental Health Month. April is National Poetry Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month. May is Jewish American Heritage Month and Fibromyalgia Awareness Month. And the list goes on...

Every month has a myraid of designations, official and unofficial, so there is always reason celebrate or be aware or donate or remember.

This year, March has taken on a whole new meaning for me. While an official recommendation from the US Congress to recognize March as Women's History Month is all good and great, I found this mailer to be much more persuasive in the battle for control of March's 31 days.:

That's right, look closer.

National Frozen Food Month! That's exactly what I've been waiting for. Move over ladies, you can celebrate you "herstory" in June. Hot pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls are here to stay.

Sound...er...Spread the Alarm

We must not stand by silently...er...We must act before it is too late. Look at what I stumbled upon today:

First they put them into segregated ghettos, then they send them off to the camps! We cannot allow this to happen!! We must stand beside our deaf brethren and unite against this tyranny!!!

Planning to Quit Smoking?

If you're thinking about quitting smoking, you might want to reconsider until you have all the facts! I recently picked up this great book on the subject from 1955.



Who is this Albert A. Ostrow? A doctor? A tobacco industry insider? CEO of Phillip Morris? None of the above. He is an expert in recreation. His bio courtesy of the dust jacket:


It's not often you see the author's high school listed as a credential, but there it is.


And of course, the book itself is amazing. Below are two selections.




So is smoking bad according to Mr. Ostrow? Possibly, but, as he points out, what doesn't have the potential to harm one's health? Drinking alcohol, eating food, masturbation, or even exercise done to excess is dangerous and destructive. You should simply use moderation in your smoking habits. Enjoy your tobacco responsibly and a long, healthy life may await you.

Slang Project - Entry No. 100

agitate the gravel, v., to go out of or away from; to leave

(1970's, U.S.)

Why I Like Walmart

The crowds suck. Their business ethics suck. The customer service sucks. They do have good prices, but often the products they sell aren't even worth those ultra low prices. (Van Damme quadruple-feature DVD for only $9? Wow. But wait, it's 4 Van Damme movies.) So why would I claim to like Walmart when a majority of educated folks claim that Walmart is the root of all evil? I've seen the documentary on how they have destroyed small businesses. Has my new mediocre school dumbed me down that much? Maybe, but I've liked Walmart even before I got here.

Here in Indiana there are four places to shop for groceries. We've got Bi-Lo, Giant Eagle, Martin's, and Walmart. Out of these four, three have a special club that you have to join in order to get discounts or special prices. Guess which store doesn't. That's right, Walmart. Walmart doesn't ask me for my name, address, phone number, email, etc., just so I can pay a reasonable price for milk. There is no Advantage Card or Bonus Buy Club that tracks my spending habits and then sells that info to marketers or advertisers.

Now this isn't just the case here in Indiana. When I visit family in Ohio, the same thing happens there. I buy a bag of chips and they ask for my Kroger Card.

"I don't have one."

"Then these chips are $7.95 instead of $2.50."

"Why?"

"Because you don't have our card."

"Can I get one?"

"Sure. Just fill out these pages, let me see your ID, give me a urine sample, and put your thumbprint right there."

It was like that in Vegas as well. Albertsons had a card. Vons had a card. Smith's had a card. Fuck 'em all. When I hear about a supermarket going out of business because they just can't compete with Walmart, I get a warm feeling in my heart. Good riddance. I don't want to give you my info, and I sure as hell don't want to join a club just to buy a loaf of bread! I'll shop at Walmart and I'll sleep just fine at night. The supermarkets can't go out of business fast enough!

Slang Project - Entry No. 99

high risk donor, n., a male homosexual

Origins: FDA, American Red Cross, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), American Medical Association (AMA), etc. - For example, the American Red Cross will not accept blood donations from any male who has engaged in homosexual behavior after 1977 as it considers this a high risk behavior. (http://www.redcross.org/services/biomed/0,1082,0_557_,00.html)

Uses: Most major media outlets use this as a euphemism for gay men when talking about HIV and AIDS related topics. For example MSNBC, Washington Post, Fox News, etc.

Turn Offs

It takes a myriad of enticements to gain one new customer. It only takes one thing to go wrong to lose millions of them. Advertising is dangerous.



Walgreen's latest pamphlet gives a concise history of the company. When I discovered their heavy, early involvement in the medicine cap debacle that still plagues us today, they lost me as a customer. 1968 was a pivotal year, and Walgreens chose the wrong side.

Slang Project - Entry No. 98

stranger in the night, n., the act of masturbating with numb fingers or a numb hand

Not that I would know or recommend it, but this is easily accomplished by icing down the fingers or hand as one might apply ice to a sports injury until feeling is dulled.

The Economy

I was happy that the economic bill didn't pass the House the first time around, and I hope that's the case again. $700 billion to bail out Wall Street? Fuck 'em. They brought it on themselves. They took risks and messed up. Let em drown. I really hope it doesn't pass this time around or ever.

But the media would have us believe that the bill is in the people's best interest. Is it? They took a look at Main Street effects, that is how the crunch affects you and I, and I have to say their examples are pretty flimsy. Bankers? Realtors? Car dealers? Oh, I feel so bad for them. Don't you? {sacrasm}

People bought homes they were out of their reach. If they lose them, that's their problem. They should've thought about that before they thought they could afford a $300,000 home on a $20,000/year salary. I don't think we should reward stupidity. It took a long time for me to get into my home. It would've been nice to get a nicer home. We could definitely use some more room. But guess what? We bought within our budget. How irresponsible of us! We could've gotten so much more and then had Uncle Sam pay for our house for us!

Another thing the media cites as affecting normal Americans is how credit will be tougher to get. Maybe this is a good wake up call. How about people live within their means? Can't afford a brand new car or an i-Phone? Then don't buy one.

But how in the world did we get in this mess?
"Subprime lending."

I buy that, but how did all this get started? That is a story you don't hear much about. And it is a surprising story. Below is a link to a NY Post story from back in February. Read that and you'll understand why the media is avoiding mentioning it.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/02052008/postopinion/opedcolumnists/the_real_scandal_243911.htm?

Is there something I'm missing?

I was at the Guinness World Records Museum. I was bothered by the labeling of one of the exhibits:
Nonfiction? When I went to school, we called the made-up stuff "Fiction."

Vegans and Vegetarians

It seems that I meet an new vegan or vegetarian every other week, and I have no idea why seeing how I only eat meat. More often than not, this person is also a member of PETA and has a deep investment in the rights of animals.

A new friend of mine tried to convince me to give PETA a look-see and consider joining. While I think PETA has a few interesting points, like this:

More often than not, their ads offend me and put me in the frame of mind to club a baby seal or buy something made of leather. For example:There is no need to kick a guy when he's down, especially with something like cancer.

Completely tasteless. How someone can even make the comparison is beyond my comprehension.

This was handed out to kids in front of schools. Come on!

I've given it some thought and if you support PETA, I don't think I want to be your friend any more. Even someone as reprehensible and immoral as me has some limits. Go ahead and delete yourself from my friend list. Thanks for your time.

Fine Print: Please don't delete yourself as my friend. I still like you. Just take a moment to consider whether PETA is right for you. Even if you think it is, I still want to be your friend. I just want you to know what I think of PETA.

Slang Project - Entry No. 97

back-seat bingo, n., the act of prolonged kissing and/or necking in an automobile

(1950's American slang)

Good Friday

It is Good Friday today. It is the day that Jesus Christ suffered on a cross to atone for all of our sins. Let him know how much it means to you. Today is a perfect day for "Lookin’ Good for Jesus!"

He got the whole world’s attention; now you get his. Don’t let chapped lips come between you and the eternity you deserve.

High Class Vag

The Vagina Monologues hit IUP again this year. It was the 10th annual "V Day." Couldn't they have made a better flyer though?I'm pretty sure that the zero in the "10" is supposed to represent a vagina. ({}) Come on! Is that the best they can do? Is it supposed to be clever or is that what the vaginas around here look like? All I know is that I wouldn't hit it.

Slang Project - Entry No. 96

pervertible, n., an ordinary, everyday object that has the potential to be used sexually

(Some people claim the term "pervertible" is unnecessary as any object has a pontential for sexual use. I guess it just depends on your imagination...)

Getting My Smoke On

I stole some lotion from a relative's house during a Christmas Eve party.

I'm gonna dry that shit out for smoking on New Years! It's going to be a good year here!!!

Seriously, Where Am I?

Last post I was complaining about the lax attitudes towards racist terms in my new home, but now I am completely flabbergasted. Doing some holiday shopping I found a store with a very interstesting sale. I've heard of Senior Citizen discounts and Student discounts ("Just show your student ID!"), but never have I seen a sale that targeted one race.

Apparently this happens more than once a year! What the hell?!

My Education

Let me share my university experience with you. What follows happened last night, but it is part of a larger trend at my new educational facility.

My class last night is a silent cinema class. It is in the English department, of course, just like the economics class I have tonight and the women's studies class I have tomorrow. That's right, I'm going for my literature PhD. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Anyways, we watched a 1920s film with an all black cast and a black director. In the class discussion that followed, degrees of blackness were examined. The term "mulatto" was used to describe a bi-racial actor in the film. Nobody seemed to mind or notice.

The discussion continued and another "mulatto" reference got my attention. I craned my neck, searching for any reaction from anyone else. Negative.

Mulatto this and mulatto that, the class went on and, as a whole, accepted this term and used it repeatedly as a substitute for bi-racial or mixed-race. I was stunned. I waited for someone to use "colored" or to drop an N-bomb, but class ended before anyone got the chance. At least, that's my theory.

Where the fuck am I? How did I end up in such a place? If someone were to ask me what my dream was or what my one wish in life was, I'd say I want to invent a time machine. But maybe somebody beat me to it. How did I end up in 1955? Or is it just Pennsylvania?

Slang Project - Entry No. 95

clicktease, n, an internet link that appears to lead to pornography but does not. It could also be applied to countless friend requests people get from "hot girls" on Myspace. Example: Don't even bother, she's just a clicktease.

Submitted by one of my readers! Thanks Jeremy.

A Close Reading

Saudi gang-rape victim is jailed

The above headline from the BBC News caught my eyes today. It effectively stimulated the outrage vector of my brain so that I had to read the whole article:

Saudi gang-rape victim is jailed
By Frances Harrison
BBC News
An appeal court in Saudi Arabia has doubled the number of lashes and added a jail sentence as punishment for a woman who was gang-raped.

The victim was initially punished for violating laws on segregation of the sexes - she was in an unrelated man's car at the time of the attack.

When she appealed, the judges said she had been attempting to use the media to influence them.

The attackers' sentences - originally of up to five years - were doubled.

According to the Arab News newspaper, the 19-year-old woman, who is from Saudi Arabia's Shia minority, was gang-raped 14 times in an attack in the eastern province a year-and-a-half ago.

Seven men from the majority Sunni community were found guilty of the rape and sentenced to prison terms ranging from just under a year to five years.

But the victim was also punished for violating Saudi Arabia's laws on segregation that forbid unrelated men and women from associating with each other. She was initially sentenced to 90 lashes for being in the car of a strange man.

On appeal, the Arab News reported that the punishment was not reduced but increased to 200 lashes and a six-month prison sentence. The rapists also had their prison terms doubled. But the sentences are still low considering they could have faced the death penalty.

The Arab News quoted an official as saying the judges had decided to punish the girl for trying to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media. The victim's lawyer was suspended from the case, has had his licence to work confiscated, and faces a disciplinary session.

Original article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7096814.stm

So, of course we should feel bad for the victim, but the story is somewhat misleading. She was raped, and the men responsible were sent to jail. However, the headline implies that the victim was sent to jail because she was gang-raped. Reading the article, that is obviously not the case. She's going to jail for breaking the Saudi sex segregation law and for appealing the case while criminally (and unethically) using media pressure to influence the judge.

Now we may think that the segregation law is a silly one, but the US has its own share of silly laws. For example, you could spend life in prison for growing a certain species of plant. That aside, there seems to be outrage among readers that she's being punished for a crime while she is the victim of another. Is that silly? No. Imagine if you were selling drugs and a couple of thugs beat you up during the sale. The cops come and break it up. Do you think you won't be prosecuted for dealing after your trip the hospital?

What makes this case seemingly outrageous is that we look at the segregation law as a farce. It isn't any more of a farce than drug laws or public nudity laws in this country. What we need to consider is that the woman's punishment is separate from the gang-rape. It is not as if the gang-rape was a punishment for the transgression; it is a heinous but non-related crime, but it seems many readers unconsciously make that connection. My heart goes out to her for her pain, but that doesn't excuse her from following the law. 6 months and 200 lashes seems fair.

Upon re-reading I can't help but feel what a heartless bastard I am sometimes. I think I learned it from Reno DiOrio, but I could be wrong.

Fun in the Classroom - No. 9

This entry is meant for teachers/professors.

Do you hate cheaters? Are you afraid that despite all your efforts, cheating may still be going on in your classroom? Are you always looking for more ways to stop cheaters? Then this entry is for you - one more tool for your arsenal in fighting the good fight!

The next time you give a test, turn the thermostat down to 15 degrees (F). This way you'll be able to see the breath of any student who tries to whisper to another student.

Please Excuse My Absence

I haven't had time to post a blog in a while. I've been busy with the new school. I've also found a new hobby not too far from home:





The best thing to happen to "drive thru's" since the invention of the Order Confirmation screen.

What's a girl to do?

The County Fair begins on Friday and there are just so many exciting events that I don't know what day I should go!!!


Here are my top three choices, but they're all on different days:




Which day should I go? A little help please!!

Slang Project - Entry No. 94

to follow through, v., to have an unexpected bowel movement while passing gas or immediately afterwards

Small Town Excitement

At our local mall, we have a Borders Express. The only advantage of a Borders Express over a regular Borders Store is that the Express always has a "Literature Classics" section. I like to browse this section.



Today I found that they had 4 copies of the novel Ethan Frome. I tried to muffle my laughter as all the copies were incorrectly shelved under F for Frome rather than under W for Wharton. Can you believe it! Someone thought the book was named Edith Wharton and written by Ethan Frome!

When I could finally control myself, I went up to the help desk and asked the lady if she could help me find a book I was looking for. I told her it was titled "George Eliot" and that its author was Silas Marner.

After a few keystrokes she informed me of my "error." I told her that I was certain that the book was called "George Eliot" and there was no mistaking it.

She said they had the book Silas Marner written by George Eliot, but that was all. Would I like to see that book, she asked as she was already coming out from behind the counter to lead me to the "Classic Literature" section.

I told her that she was being rude. I asked if making a sale was all she cared about because she obviously didn't care whether I was getting the book I was interested in. I didn't want some other stupid book, yet there she was trying to trick me into buying it. I told her I'd be taking my business elsewhere and stormed out.

Small town life can be pretty intense sometimes. I hope they learned their lesson!

Dolphins may be highly intelligent...

...but they pose no imminent threat to the inevitability of world domination by humans. We finally got one!!!

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- The long-threatened Yangtze River dolphin in China is probably extinct, according to an international team of researchers who said this would mark the first whale or dolphin to be wiped out due to human activity.

Entire Article: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/08/china.dolphin.reut/index.html

Cetacean intelligence is no match for human ingenuity. We need not live in fear of Odontoceti any longer. Mankind is king!

Slang Project - Entry No. 93

ass flowers, n., hemorrhoids

Latest Marijuana Study

A recent marijuana study:

Smoking one cannabis joint is as harmful to a person's lungs as having up to five cigarettes, according to research published on Tuesday.

Of course, that was the lead in and the line that will no doubt be quoted by DARE and other anti-drug crusaders. Actually the study found:

The effect on the lungs of each joint was equivalent to smoking between 2.5 and five cigarettes in one go.

Not as bad sounding as the first figure, but still not too healthy.

Upon reflection, something seems off here. Of course I have no experience with marijuana, but my understanding based on movies and rap lyrics is that usually a person does not smoke an entire joint by him/herself in one sitting. A smoker who smokes a pack a day would be equivalent to a stoner who smokes 4 to 8 joints in a day. I've known some stoners, but 8 joints seems really hardcore. Maybe I'm just naive...

The entire news article can be found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20052489/

Finally I Got Her Good

"I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" she asks.

Where do I begin? I can't say anything. I tell myself to hold my tongue; I even bite deep into the sides of it, possibly drawing blood, so nothing can accidentially roll off, but before she can leave I hear myself. "We're out of A.1." Goddammit! Please don't hear that.

"Okay," she answers and that is that.

An hour or two later: What do I get when she gets home? KC Masters Honey BBQ Sauce.

"Where's the A.1.?" I ask.

"The other was cheaper."

"But it's not A.1."

"It's the same thing. It was cheaper."

There is no A.1. until I do the shopping the next week and get it myself. The KC Masters crap is still unopened in our cupboard like so many other food stuffs Angie bought on sale. So much for saving money.

Sadly, this is my life. When Angie shops:

I ask for a porterhouse or filet and she brings home a chopped steak.
I ask for papertowels and she brings picnic napkins.
I ask for Gatorade and she brings apple juice.
I ask for provolone and she gets pepperjack.
And so on and so on.

Why? It was cheaper. It was on sale. It's really just the same thing. One of these three answers every time.

I went shopping yesterday. Before I left, I asked, "Do you need anything?"

"Tampons."

"Anything else."

"No. Just alot of them."

When I got home, she went through the bags and asked where the tampons were. "Did you forget them? 'Cause I really need the now."

"Yeah, they're in the chips bag."

She dug in the bag and then dropped it on the table, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me, unamused.

"What's that," she asked.

"Your tampons."

"There are no tampons in that bag."

"Yeah, I got you cotton balls and twine. Alot of them. It was cheaper." And they were.

I'm sleeping in the attic tonight, but that's okay. I'm also in charge of laundry tomorrow but I don't mind. I think I won. I'm willing to take bets that the next time I ask her for mayo there is no chance that she is going to return with a jar of Miracle Whip. Is it worth it? Goddamn right it's worth it. Who the fuck would use Miracle Whip for anything except jacking off with and I much prefer Crisco. And only I buy the Crisco, that's the way it's always been and always will be.

Fun In The Classroom - No. 8

NOTE: This prank is for teachers/professors to play on a student.

Every semester you have at least one of those students who goes to the bathroom almost every class period. It doesn't matter whether your teaching a 2 hour class or a 50 minute class, he/she leaves right in the middle of your lecture to use the lavatory. Here's how to get back at him/her:

1. At the end of the day when all classes are finished and there are no more students in the building, go to the restroom that the offending student would use.
2. Make sure that the restroom is empty. (You could be arrested if it isn't.)
3. Video tape the empty restroom for about 5 minutes, trying to get the widest, highest angle possible. (If it is a single toilet restrooom, point the camera at that toilet.)4. The next time you have class and the student leaves to use the restroom, play the video you recorded and instruct the class to laugh at the student when he/she returns.
5. As the student re-enters the classroom, quickly turn off the video, quiet the other students, and resume lecturing.

*If the student tries to question you about what has just happened, inform him/her that it is his/her responsibility to get the notes from another student after class.

Slang Project - Entry No. 92

bladder basher, n., a large penis (British slang)

Strange News

Was surfing MSNBC and came across this article:

NAACP delegates 'bury' N-word in ceremony

A very strange stunt. You think they would've finally buried the "C-word" because who calls African-Americans "colored" anymore but instead the went for "National." Reading the article confused me even more, but I guess they are upset with our country, probably because of Bush's leadership.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said, "We gather burying all the things that go with the N-word. We have to bury the 'pimps' and the 'hos' that go with it." What a dim view of America. The US is so much more than that. What about all the positive things like McDonald's or Walmart. I'll admit some things are going downhill, but I don't know anyone who would automatically associate "National" with "pimps" and "hos." Mayor Kilpatrick went on to say, "Die, N-word, and we don't want to see you 'round here no more."

Wow.

Heads up to my readers, remember that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is now the Association for the Advancement of Colored People or AACP.And they seem very serious about not being associated with the N-word so watch out when addressing them.

Also, doesn't it seem weird that they print "National" sometimes but then use "N-word" at others? I wish they'd be consistent.

Slang Project - Entry No. 91

Sawbones, n., a physician or, more specifically, a surgeon

"The people who had turned out were the girl's own family; and pretty soon, the doctor, for whom she had been sent put in his appearance. Well, the child was not much the worse, more frightened, according to the Sawbones; and there you might have supposed would be an end to it." (Robert Lewis Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 1886)

"What, don't you know what a Sawbones is, Sir," enquired Mr. Weller; "I thought everybody know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon." (Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1837)

Chinese Menu

Not to pick on the Chinese, but this menu just seems beyond careless:

1. Okay, so they missed a space between "of" and "soup."

2. Paultry does not sound yummy.

3. Not a mistake, just such a great name for a dish that I had to point it out.

4. Trple? I feel cheated.

5. Admittedly this is very picky, but a period needs to go after "Thurs" and no period is needed after "Sunday."




6. A comlination? And what is in "wonto" soup?

7. Mmm, tasty "beveraye." Sounds French.

FYI, "Shirley Temple" is Sprite with grenadine syrup; "Sherry Temple" is a girl with stringy hair that I used to finger-bang.

Is it really a virgin daiquiri if there is strawBEERy in it? (Now that is a very lame joke, and you are welcomed to make fun of me for it!)

In their defense, the food is good.

For Reals?

Are they trying to be funny? Are they racist? Is it simply a well-placed error? The following is a headline from an MSNBC article:

Tainted Chinese goods could lead to trade war
American like cheap prices, but toy, food contamination raise fears

Yes, I likes cheap prices, too! Here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19489213/.

Wonder how long until them catches it and fix it.

Slang Project - Entry No. 89 & 90

quiffing, v., rogering. See to roger.

to roger, v., to bull, or lie with a woman; from the name of Roger being frequently given to a bull.

Quoted directly from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.

People I Despise

I have always been told that you shouldn't hate anyone. But we all know that there are people who get under our skin and irritate us to no end. This is one person from my ongoing, ever-growing list of people that I despise.

Tom Bergeron, Current Host of AFV

Of course no one could ever replace Bob Saget, but even Daisy Fuentes & John Fugelsang weren't half as offensive as this asshole! I'd imagine that it's the easiest job in the world, but every week he manages to fuck up introducing the funniest videos from across this great land. Can you ruin the inherent hilarity in a woman smacking her face into a lightpost and then snapping it to the ground? He can, and for that I hate him!

Fun In The Classroom - No. 7

1. Fill your underwear with Rice Krispies cereal.

2. Halfway through class pee your pants.*

3. If asked, explain that you have no idea why snaps, crackles, and pops are coming from your crotch, but it has been itchy down there lately and you recently had unprotected sex with a stranger.

*Works best during an intense exam or other time when the room is silent.

Slang Project - Entry No. 88

breeder, n., a heterosexual (derogatory; from gay slang)

TV's Educational Value!

Flipping through the channels and I saw a new commercial for Secret deodorant. Apparently they've reformulated with Secret Clinical Strength. The press release:
"New Secret® Clinical Strength is an antiperspirant clinically proven to provide prescription-strength wetness protection for the most demanding body chemistries. It contains a triple-action technology that provides three unique layers of protection."

I had no idea that there were prescription deodorants available but there really are! That is some pretty mind-blowing stuff. Somebody at the FDA had to sit down and decide that these deodorants were too intense for the general public and that only a doctor could give you permission to use them. I'm trying to imagine that doctor's visit.

Me: "Yeah, I have an appointment."
Receptionist: "What's the reason for your seeing doctor today?"
Me: "B.O."
Receptionist: "Would you please wait outside until doctor is ready to see you?"

More importantly thought, why is the prescription necessary? If used incorrectly, will your sweat glands sustain permanent damage? Is there a dependency issue where users start abusing the deodorant, putting it on three or even four times an hour? Can you smoke that shit and catch a buzz?

They definitely got my attention with their ad. I went to their website, read independent customer reviews, and even learned that it is aluminum free (yay!). Sounds very interesting and made me think about the deodorant I use. I pick stuff that smells good and has a colorful label. I never gave it much more thought than that. I think I'm going to have to pick up a stick of this stuff next time I'm out though. I'll change deodorants for a cheap high.

Truth in Advertising

I went to a Chinese restaurant and got chopsticks.


The statement on the wrapper reminded me of my server.


Even the capitalization is way off.

The instructions on the back are direct and to the point:


Step number two (see arrow) is especially helpful.

Slang Project - Entry No. 87

loading the dishwasher, phr., getting one's wife or live-in girlfriend drunk

Slang Project - Entry No. 86

got a lawn, phr., a phrase used to describe a person who has bought into suburban, middle-class life and/or has chosen to be a responsible adult at the expense of having fun

Chicken of the Sea

I love Hamburger Helper! As I was cleaning out the cupboards yesterday, I found a large stash of Hamburger Helpers and the like tucked away in the corner, so for dinner tonight I made Tuna Helper.
As I was cooking, I got to thinking about the last time I had Tuna Helper. It's been quite awhile. I used to love Tuna Helper: it's much easier and cheaper to make than Hamburger or Chicken Helper but I would guess I haven't had Tuna Helper since I moved to Vegas. Really?

I thought about it and realized that I was correct, and in fact I haven't had any tuna products since I moved to Vegas. Why was that? I couldn't think of a reason for it. Tuna is so easy to prepare, it's healthy, and it never goes bad. Do they stock it in a strange aisle here? Is it hard to get in the desert? Did I forget it existed?

As I sat down to eat, the first bite quickly reminded me. I gave up on tuna a while ago. Tuna just hasn't tasted as good since they made it "Dolphin Safe." Why do they got to go and change a good thing? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.