Nonfiction? When I went to school, we called the made-up stuff "Fiction."
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Is there something I'm missing?
I was at the Guinness World Records Museum. I was bothered by the labeling of one of the exhibits:
Nonfiction? When I went to school, we called the made-up stuff "Fiction."
Nonfiction? When I went to school, we called the made-up stuff "Fiction."
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Vegans and Vegetarians
It seems that I meet an new vegan or vegetarian every other week, and I have no idea why seeing how I only eat meat. More often than not, this person is also a member of PETA and has a deep investment in the rights of animals.
A new friend of mine tried to convince me to give PETA a look-see and consider joining. While I think PETA has a few interesting points, like this:
More often than not, their ads offend me and put me in the frame of mind to club a baby seal or buy something made of leather. For example:
There is no need to kick a guy when he's down, especially with something like cancer.
A new friend of mine tried to convince me to give PETA a look-see and consider joining. While I think PETA has a few interesting points, like this:
More often than not, their ads offend me and put me in the frame of mind to club a baby seal or buy something made of leather. For example:
There is no need to kick a guy when he's down, especially with something like cancer. 
Completely tasteless. How someone can even make the comparison is beyond my comprehension.
This was handed out to kids in front of schools. Come on!
I've given it some thought and if you support PETA, I don't think I want to be your friend any more. Even someone as reprehensible and immoral as me has some limits. Go ahead and delete yourself from my friend list. Thanks for your time.
Fine Print: Please don't delete yourself as my friend. I still like you. Just take a moment to consider whether PETA is right for you. Even if you think it is, I still want to be your friend. I just want you to know what I think of PETA.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Slang Project - Entry No. 97
back-seat bingo, n., the act of prolonged kissing and/or necking in an automobile
(1950's American slang)
(1950's American slang)
Friday, March 21, 2008
Good Friday
It is Good Friday today. It is the day that Jesus Christ suffered on a cross to atone for all of our sins. Let him know how much it means to you. Today is a perfect day for "Lookin’ Good for Jesus!" 
He got the whole world’s attention; now you get his. Don’t let chapped lips come between you and the eternity you deserve.
He got the whole world’s attention; now you get his. Don’t let chapped lips come between you and the eternity you deserve.Saturday, March 15, 2008
High Class Vag
The Vagina Monologues hit IUP again this year. It was the 10th annual "V Day." Couldn't they have made a better flyer though?
I'm pretty sure that the zero in the "10" is supposed to represent a vagina. ({}) Come on! Is that the best they can do? Is it supposed to be clever or is that what the vaginas around here look like? All I know is that I wouldn't hit it.
I'm pretty sure that the zero in the "10" is supposed to represent a vagina. ({}) Come on! Is that the best they can do? Is it supposed to be clever or is that what the vaginas around here look like? All I know is that I wouldn't hit it.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Slang Project - Entry No. 96
pervertible, n., an ordinary, everyday object that has the potential to be used sexually
(Some people claim the term "pervertible" is unnecessary as any object has a pontential for sexual use. I guess it just depends on your imagination...)
(Some people claim the term "pervertible" is unnecessary as any object has a pontential for sexual use. I guess it just depends on your imagination...)
Friday, December 28, 2007
Getting My Smoke On
I stole some lotion from a relative's house during a Christmas Eve party.
I'm gonna dry that shit out for smoking on New Years! It's going to be a good year here!!!
I'm gonna dry that shit out for smoking on New Years! It's going to be a good year here!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Seriously, Where Am I?
Last post I was complaining about the lax attitudes towards racist terms in my new home, but now I am completely flabbergasted. Doing some holiday shopping I found a store with a very interstesting sale. I've heard of Senior Citizen discounts and Student discounts ("Just show your student ID!"), but never have I seen a sale that targeted one race.
Apparently this happens more than once a year! What the hell?!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
My Education
Let me share my university experience with you. What follows happened last night, but it is part of a larger trend at my new educational facility.
My class last night is a silent cinema class. It is in the English department, of course, just like the economics class I have tonight and the women's studies class I have tomorrow. That's right, I'm going for my literature PhD. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Anyways, we watched a 1920s film with an all black cast and a black director. In the class discussion that followed, degrees of blackness were examined. The term "mulatto" was used to describe a bi-racial actor in the film. Nobody seemed to mind or notice.
The discussion continued and another "mulatto" reference got my attention. I craned my neck, searching for any reaction from anyone else. Negative.
Mulatto this and mulatto that, the class went on and, as a whole, accepted this term and used it repeatedly as a substitute for bi-racial or mixed-race. I was stunned. I waited for someone to use "colored" or to drop an N-bomb, but class ended before anyone got the chance. At least, that's my theory.
Where the fuck am I? How did I end up in such a place? If someone were to ask me what my dream was or what my one wish in life was, I'd say I want to invent a time machine. But maybe somebody beat me to it. How did I end up in 1955? Or is it just Pennsylvania?
My class last night is a silent cinema class. It is in the English department, of course, just like the economics class I have tonight and the women's studies class I have tomorrow. That's right, I'm going for my literature PhD. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Anyways, we watched a 1920s film with an all black cast and a black director. In the class discussion that followed, degrees of blackness were examined. The term "mulatto" was used to describe a bi-racial actor in the film. Nobody seemed to mind or notice.
The discussion continued and another "mulatto" reference got my attention. I craned my neck, searching for any reaction from anyone else. Negative.
Mulatto this and mulatto that, the class went on and, as a whole, accepted this term and used it repeatedly as a substitute for bi-racial or mixed-race. I was stunned. I waited for someone to use "colored" or to drop an N-bomb, but class ended before anyone got the chance. At least, that's my theory.
Where the fuck am I? How did I end up in such a place? If someone were to ask me what my dream was or what my one wish in life was, I'd say I want to invent a time machine. But maybe somebody beat me to it. How did I end up in 1955? Or is it just Pennsylvania?
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 95
clicktease, n, an internet link that appears to lead to pornography but does not. It could also be applied to countless friend requests people get from "hot girls" on Myspace. Example: Don't even bother, she's just a clicktease.
Submitted by one of my readers! Thanks Jeremy.
Submitted by one of my readers! Thanks Jeremy.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
A Close Reading
Saudi gang-rape victim is jailed
The above headline from the BBC News caught my eyes today. It effectively stimulated the outrage vector of my brain so that I had to read the whole article:
Saudi gang-rape victim is jailed
By Frances Harrison
BBC News
An appeal court in Saudi Arabia has doubled the number of lashes and added a jail sentence as punishment for a woman who was gang-raped.
The victim was initially punished for violating laws on segregation of the sexes - she was in an unrelated man's car at the time of the attack.
When she appealed, the judges said she had been attempting to use the media to influence them.
The attackers' sentences - originally of up to five years - were doubled.
According to the Arab News newspaper, the 19-year-old woman, who is from Saudi Arabia's Shia minority, was gang-raped 14 times in an attack in the eastern province a year-and-a-half ago.
Seven men from the majority Sunni community were found guilty of the rape and sentenced to prison terms ranging from just under a year to five years.
But the victim was also punished for violating Saudi Arabia's laws on segregation that forbid unrelated men and women from associating with each other. She was initially sentenced to 90 lashes for being in the car of a strange man.
On appeal, the Arab News reported that the punishment was not reduced but increased to 200 lashes and a six-month prison sentence. The rapists also had their prison terms doubled. But the sentences are still low considering they could have faced the death penalty.
The Arab News quoted an official as saying the judges had decided to punish the girl for trying to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media. The victim's lawyer was suspended from the case, has had his licence to work confiscated, and faces a disciplinary session.
Original article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7096814.stm
So, of course we should feel bad for the victim, but the story is somewhat misleading. She was raped, and the men responsible were sent to jail. However, the headline implies that the victim was sent to jail because she was gang-raped. Reading the article, that is obviously not the case. She's going to jail for breaking the Saudi sex segregation law and for appealing the case while criminally (and unethically) using media pressure to influence the judge.
Now we may think that the segregation law is a silly one, but the US has its own share of silly laws. For example, you could spend life in prison for growing a certain species of plant. That aside, there seems to be outrage among readers that she's being punished for a crime while she is the victim of another. Is that silly? No. Imagine if you were selling drugs and a couple of thugs beat you up during the sale. The cops come and break it up. Do you think you won't be prosecuted for dealing after your trip the hospital?
What makes this case seemingly outrageous is that we look at the segregation law as a farce. It isn't any more of a farce than drug laws or public nudity laws in this country. What we need to consider is that the woman's punishment is separate from the gang-rape. It is not as if the gang-rape was a punishment for the transgression; it is a heinous but non-related crime, but it seems many readers unconsciously make that connection. My heart goes out to her for her pain, but that doesn't excuse her from following the law. 6 months and 200 lashes seems fair.
Upon re-reading I can't help but feel what a heartless bastard I am sometimes. I think I learned it from Reno DiOrio, but I could be wrong.
The above headline from the BBC News caught my eyes today. It effectively stimulated the outrage vector of my brain so that I had to read the whole article:
Saudi gang-rape victim is jailed
By Frances Harrison
BBC News
An appeal court in Saudi Arabia has doubled the number of lashes and added a jail sentence as punishment for a woman who was gang-raped.
The victim was initially punished for violating laws on segregation of the sexes - she was in an unrelated man's car at the time of the attack.
When she appealed, the judges said she had been attempting to use the media to influence them.
The attackers' sentences - originally of up to five years - were doubled.
According to the Arab News newspaper, the 19-year-old woman, who is from Saudi Arabia's Shia minority, was gang-raped 14 times in an attack in the eastern province a year-and-a-half ago.
Seven men from the majority Sunni community were found guilty of the rape and sentenced to prison terms ranging from just under a year to five years.
But the victim was also punished for violating Saudi Arabia's laws on segregation that forbid unrelated men and women from associating with each other. She was initially sentenced to 90 lashes for being in the car of a strange man.
On appeal, the Arab News reported that the punishment was not reduced but increased to 200 lashes and a six-month prison sentence. The rapists also had their prison terms doubled. But the sentences are still low considering they could have faced the death penalty.
The Arab News quoted an official as saying the judges had decided to punish the girl for trying to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media. The victim's lawyer was suspended from the case, has had his licence to work confiscated, and faces a disciplinary session.
Original article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7096814.stm
So, of course we should feel bad for the victim, but the story is somewhat misleading. She was raped, and the men responsible were sent to jail. However, the headline implies that the victim was sent to jail because she was gang-raped. Reading the article, that is obviously not the case. She's going to jail for breaking the Saudi sex segregation law and for appealing the case while criminally (and unethically) using media pressure to influence the judge.
Now we may think that the segregation law is a silly one, but the US has its own share of silly laws. For example, you could spend life in prison for growing a certain species of plant. That aside, there seems to be outrage among readers that she's being punished for a crime while she is the victim of another. Is that silly? No. Imagine if you were selling drugs and a couple of thugs beat you up during the sale. The cops come and break it up. Do you think you won't be prosecuted for dealing after your trip the hospital?
What makes this case seemingly outrageous is that we look at the segregation law as a farce. It isn't any more of a farce than drug laws or public nudity laws in this country. What we need to consider is that the woman's punishment is separate from the gang-rape. It is not as if the gang-rape was a punishment for the transgression; it is a heinous but non-related crime, but it seems many readers unconsciously make that connection. My heart goes out to her for her pain, but that doesn't excuse her from following the law. 6 months and 200 lashes seems fair.
Upon re-reading I can't help but feel what a heartless bastard I am sometimes. I think I learned it from Reno DiOrio, but I could be wrong.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Fun in the Classroom - No. 9
This entry is meant for teachers/professors.
Do you hate cheaters? Are you afraid that despite all your efforts, cheating may still be going on in your classroom? Are you always looking for more ways to stop cheaters? Then this entry is for you - one more tool for your arsenal in fighting the good fight!
The next time you give a test, turn the thermostat down to 15 degrees (F). This way you'll be able to see the breath of any student who tries to whisper to another student.
Do you hate cheaters? Are you afraid that despite all your efforts, cheating may still be going on in your classroom? Are you always looking for more ways to stop cheaters? Then this entry is for you - one more tool for your arsenal in fighting the good fight!
The next time you give a test, turn the thermostat down to 15 degrees (F). This way you'll be able to see the breath of any student who tries to whisper to another student.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Please Excuse My Absence
I haven't had time to post a blog in a while. I've been busy with the new school. I've also found a new hobby not too far from home:
The best thing to happen to "drive thru's" since the invention of the Order Confirmation screen.
The best thing to happen to "drive thru's" since the invention of the Order Confirmation screen.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
What's a girl to do?
The County Fair begins on Friday and there are just so many exciting events that I don't know what day I should go!!!
Here are my top three choices, but they're all on different days:
Which day should I go? A little help please!!
Here are my top three choices, but they're all on different days:
Which day should I go? A little help please!!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 94
to follow through, v., to have an unexpected bowel movement while passing gas or immediately afterwards
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Small Town Excitement
At our local mall, we have a Borders Express. The only advantage of a Borders Express over a regular Borders Store is that the Express always has a "Literature Classics" section. I like to browse this section.
Today I found that they had 4 copies of the novel Ethan Frome. I tried to muffle my laughter as all the copies were incorrectly shelved under F for Frome rather than under W for Wharton. Can you believe it! Someone thought the book was named Edith Wharton and written by Ethan Frome!
Today I found that they had 4 copies of the novel Ethan Frome. I tried to muffle my laughter as all the copies were incorrectly shelved under F for Frome rather than under W for Wharton. Can you believe it! Someone thought the book was named Edith Wharton and written by Ethan Frome!
When I could finally control myself, I went up to the help desk and asked the lady if she could help me find a book I was looking for. I told her it was titled "George Eliot" and that its author was Silas Marner.
After a few keystrokes she informed me of my "error." I told her that I was certain that the book was called "George Eliot" and there was no mistaking it.
She said they had the book Silas Marner written by George Eliot, but that was all. Would I like to see that book, she asked as she was already coming out from behind the counter to lead me to the "Classic Literature" section.
I told her that she was being rude. I asked if making a sale was all she cared about because she obviously didn't care whether I was getting the book I was interested in. I didn't want some other stupid book, yet there she was trying to trick me into buying it. I told her I'd be taking my business elsewhere and stormed out.
Small town life can be pretty intense sometimes. I hope they learned their lesson!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Dolphins may be highly intelligent...
...but they pose no imminent threat to the inevitability of world domination by humans. We finally got one!!!
LONDON, England (Reuters) -- The long-threatened Yangtze River dolphin in China is probably extinct, according to an international team of researchers who said this would mark the first whale or dolphin to be wiped out due to human activity.
Entire Article: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/08/china.dolphin.reut/index.html
Cetacean intelligence is no match for human ingenuity. We need not live in fear of Odontoceti any longer. Mankind is king!
LONDON, England (Reuters) -- The long-threatened Yangtze River dolphin in China is probably extinct, according to an international team of researchers who said this would mark the first whale or dolphin to be wiped out due to human activity.
Entire Article: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/08/china.dolphin.reut/index.html
Cetacean intelligence is no match for human ingenuity. We need not live in fear of Odontoceti any longer. Mankind is king!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Latest Marijuana Study
A recent marijuana study:
Smoking one cannabis joint is as harmful to a person's lungs as having up to five cigarettes, according to research published on Tuesday.
Of course, that was the lead in and the line that will no doubt be quoted by DARE and other anti-drug crusaders. Actually the study found:
The effect on the lungs of each joint was equivalent to smoking between 2.5 and five cigarettes in one go.
Not as bad sounding as the first figure, but still not too healthy.
Upon reflection, something seems off here. Of course I have no experience with marijuana, but my understanding based on movies and rap lyrics is that usually a person does not smoke an entire joint by him/herself in one sitting. A smoker who smokes a pack a day would be equivalent to a stoner who smokes 4 to 8 joints in a day. I've known some stoners, but 8 joints seems really hardcore. Maybe I'm just naive...
The entire news article can be found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20052489/
Smoking one cannabis joint is as harmful to a person's lungs as having up to five cigarettes, according to research published on Tuesday.
Of course, that was the lead in and the line that will no doubt be quoted by DARE and other anti-drug crusaders. Actually the study found:
The effect on the lungs of each joint was equivalent to smoking between 2.5 and five cigarettes in one go.
Not as bad sounding as the first figure, but still not too healthy.
Upon reflection, something seems off here. Of course I have no experience with marijuana, but my understanding based on movies and rap lyrics is that usually a person does not smoke an entire joint by him/herself in one sitting. A smoker who smokes a pack a day would be equivalent to a stoner who smokes 4 to 8 joints in a day. I've known some stoners, but 8 joints seems really hardcore. Maybe I'm just naive...
The entire news article can be found here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20052489/
Monday, July 23, 2007
Finally I Got Her Good
"I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" she asks.
Where do I begin? I can't say anything. I tell myself to hold my tongue; I even bite deep into the sides of it, possibly drawing blood, so nothing can accidentially roll off, but before she can leave I hear myself. "We're out of A.1." Goddammit! Please don't hear that.
"Okay," she answers and that is that.
An hour or two later: What do I get when she gets home? KC Masters Honey BBQ Sauce.
"Where's the A.1.?" I ask.
"The other was cheaper."
"But it's not A.1."
"It's the same thing. It was cheaper."
There is no A.1. until I do the shopping the next week and get it myself. The KC Masters crap is still unopened in our cupboard like so many other food stuffs Angie bought on sale. So much for saving money.
Sadly, this is my life. When Angie shops:
I ask for a porterhouse or filet and she brings home a chopped steak.
I ask for papertowels and she brings picnic napkins.
I ask for Gatorade and she brings apple juice.
I ask for provolone and she gets pepperjack.
And so on and so on.
Why? It was cheaper. It was on sale. It's really just the same thing. One of these three answers every time.
I went shopping yesterday. Before I left, I asked, "Do you need anything?"
"Tampons."
"Anything else."
"No. Just alot of them."
When I got home, she went through the bags and asked where the tampons were. "Did you forget them? 'Cause I really need the now."
"Yeah, they're in the chips bag."
She dug in the bag and then dropped it on the table, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me, unamused.
"What's that," she asked.
"Your tampons."
"There are no tampons in that bag."
"Yeah, I got you cotton balls and twine. Alot of them. It was cheaper." And they were.
I'm sleeping in the attic tonight, but that's okay. I'm also in charge of laundry tomorrow but I don't mind. I think I won. I'm willing to take bets that the next time I ask her for mayo there is no chance that she is going to return with a jar of Miracle Whip. Is it worth it? Goddamn right it's worth it. Who the fuck would use Miracle Whip for anything except jacking off with and I much prefer Crisco. And only I buy the Crisco, that's the way it's always been and always will be.
Where do I begin? I can't say anything. I tell myself to hold my tongue; I even bite deep into the sides of it, possibly drawing blood, so nothing can accidentially roll off, but before she can leave I hear myself. "We're out of A.1." Goddammit! Please don't hear that.
"Okay," she answers and that is that.
An hour or two later: What do I get when she gets home? KC Masters Honey BBQ Sauce.
"Where's the A.1.?" I ask.
"The other was cheaper."
"But it's not A.1."
"It's the same thing. It was cheaper."
There is no A.1. until I do the shopping the next week and get it myself. The KC Masters crap is still unopened in our cupboard like so many other food stuffs Angie bought on sale. So much for saving money.
Sadly, this is my life. When Angie shops:
I ask for a porterhouse or filet and she brings home a chopped steak.
I ask for papertowels and she brings picnic napkins.
I ask for Gatorade and she brings apple juice.
I ask for provolone and she gets pepperjack.
And so on and so on.
Why? It was cheaper. It was on sale. It's really just the same thing. One of these three answers every time.
I went shopping yesterday. Before I left, I asked, "Do you need anything?"
"Tampons."
"Anything else."
"No. Just alot of them."
When I got home, she went through the bags and asked where the tampons were. "Did you forget them? 'Cause I really need the now."
"Yeah, they're in the chips bag."
She dug in the bag and then dropped it on the table, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me, unamused.
"What's that," she asked.
"Your tampons."
"There are no tampons in that bag."
"Yeah, I got you cotton balls and twine. Alot of them. It was cheaper." And they were.
I'm sleeping in the attic tonight, but that's okay. I'm also in charge of laundry tomorrow but I don't mind. I think I won. I'm willing to take bets that the next time I ask her for mayo there is no chance that she is going to return with a jar of Miracle Whip. Is it worth it? Goddamn right it's worth it. Who the fuck would use Miracle Whip for anything except jacking off with and I much prefer Crisco. And only I buy the Crisco, that's the way it's always been and always will be.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Fun In The Classroom - No. 8
NOTE: This prank is for teachers/professors to play on a student.
Every semester you have at least one of those students who goes to the bathroom almost every class period. It doesn't matter whether your teaching a 2 hour class or a 50 minute class, he/she leaves right in the middle of your lecture to use the lavatory. Here's how to get back at him/her:
1. At the end of the day when all classes are finished and there are no more students in the building, go to the restroom that the offending student would use.
2. Make sure that the restroom is empty. (You could be arrested if it isn't.)
3. Video tape the empty restroom for about 5 minutes, trying to get the widest, highest angle possible. (If it is a single toilet restrooom, point the camera at that toilet.)
4. The next time you have class and the student leaves to use the restroom, play the video you recorded and instruct the class to laugh at the student when he/she returns.
5. As the student re-enters the classroom, quickly turn off the video, quiet the other students, and resume lecturing.
*If the student tries to question you about what has just happened, inform him/her that it is his/her responsibility to get the notes from another student after class.
Every semester you have at least one of those students who goes to the bathroom almost every class period. It doesn't matter whether your teaching a 2 hour class or a 50 minute class, he/she leaves right in the middle of your lecture to use the lavatory. Here's how to get back at him/her:
1. At the end of the day when all classes are finished and there are no more students in the building, go to the restroom that the offending student would use.
2. Make sure that the restroom is empty. (You could be arrested if it isn't.)
3. Video tape the empty restroom for about 5 minutes, trying to get the widest, highest angle possible. (If it is a single toilet restrooom, point the camera at that toilet.)
4. The next time you have class and the student leaves to use the restroom, play the video you recorded and instruct the class to laugh at the student when he/she returns.5. As the student re-enters the classroom, quickly turn off the video, quiet the other students, and resume lecturing.
*If the student tries to question you about what has just happened, inform him/her that it is his/her responsibility to get the notes from another student after class.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Strange News
Was surfing MSNBC and came across this article:
NAACP delegates 'bury' N-word in ceremony
A very strange stunt. You think they would've finally buried the "C-word" because who calls African-Americans "colored" anymore but instead the went for "National." Reading the article confused me even more, but I guess they are upset with our country, probably because of Bush's leadership.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said, "We gather burying all the things that go with the N-word. We have to bury the 'pimps' and the 'hos' that go with it." What a dim view of America. The US is so much more than that. What about all the positive things like McDonald's or Walmart. I'll admit some things are going downhill, but I don't know anyone who would automatically associate "National" with "pimps" and "hos." Mayor Kilpatrick went on to say, "Die, N-word, and we don't want to see you 'round here no more."
Wow.
Heads up to my readers, remember that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is now the Association for the Advancement of Colored People or AACP.And they seem very serious about not being associated with the N-word so watch out when addressing them.
Also, doesn't it seem weird that they print "National" sometimes but then use "N-word" at others? I wish they'd be consistent.
NAACP delegates 'bury' N-word in ceremony
A very strange stunt. You think they would've finally buried the "C-word" because who calls African-Americans "colored" anymore but instead the went for "National." Reading the article confused me even more, but I guess they are upset with our country, probably because of Bush's leadership.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said, "We gather burying all the things that go with the N-word. We have to bury the 'pimps' and the 'hos' that go with it." What a dim view of America. The US is so much more than that. What about all the positive things like McDonald's or Walmart. I'll admit some things are going downhill, but I don't know anyone who would automatically associate "National" with "pimps" and "hos." Mayor Kilpatrick went on to say, "Die, N-word, and we don't want to see you 'round here no more."
Wow.
Heads up to my readers, remember that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is now the Association for the Advancement of Colored People or AACP.And they seem very serious about not being associated with the N-word so watch out when addressing them.
Also, doesn't it seem weird that they print "National" sometimes but then use "N-word" at others? I wish they'd be consistent.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 91
Sawbones, n., a physician or, more specifically, a surgeon
"The people who had turned out were the girl's own family; and pretty soon, the doctor, for whom she had been sent put in his appearance. Well, the child was not much the worse, more frightened, according to the Sawbones; and there you might have supposed would be an end to it." (Robert Lewis Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 1886)
"What, don't you know what a Sawbones is, Sir," enquired Mr. Weller; "I thought everybody know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon." (Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1837)
"The people who had turned out were the girl's own family; and pretty soon, the doctor, for whom she had been sent put in his appearance. Well, the child was not much the worse, more frightened, according to the Sawbones; and there you might have supposed would be an end to it." (Robert Lewis Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 1886)
"What, don't you know what a Sawbones is, Sir," enquired Mr. Weller; "I thought everybody know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon." (Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1837)
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Chinese Menu
Not to pick on the Chinese, but this menu just seems beyond careless:
1. Okay, so they missed a space between "of" and "soup."
2. Paultry does not sound yummy.
3. Not a mistake, just such a great name for a dish that I had to point it out.
4. Trple? I feel cheated.
5. Admittedly this is very picky, but a period needs to go after "Thurs" and no period is needed after "Sunday."
6. A comlination? And what is in "wonto" soup?
7. Mmm, tasty "beveraye." Sounds French.
FYI, "Shirley Temple" is Sprite with grenadine syrup; "Sherry Temple" is a girl with stringy hair that I used to finger-bang.
Is it really a virgin daiquiri if there is strawBEERy in it? (Now that is a very lame joke, and you are welcomed to make fun of me for it!)
In their defense, the food is good.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
For Reals?
Are they trying to be funny? Are they racist? Is it simply a well-placed error? The following is a headline from an MSNBC article:
Tainted Chinese goods could lead to trade war
American like cheap prices, but toy, food contamination raise fears
Yes, I likes cheap prices, too! Here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19489213/.
Wonder how long until them catches it and fix it.
Tainted Chinese goods could lead to trade war
American like cheap prices, but toy, food contamination raise fears
Yes, I likes cheap prices, too! Here's the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19489213/.
Wonder how long until them catches it and fix it.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 89 & 90
quiffing, v., rogering. See to roger.
to roger, v., to bull, or lie with a woman; from the name of Roger being frequently given to a bull.
Quoted directly from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.
to roger, v., to bull, or lie with a woman; from the name of Roger being frequently given to a bull.
Quoted directly from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
People I Despise
I have always been told that you shouldn't hate anyone. But we all know that there are people who get under our skin and irritate us to no end. This is one person from my ongoing, ever-growing list of people that I despise.
Tom Bergeron, Current Host of AFV
Of course no one could ever replace Bob Saget, but even Daisy Fuentes & John Fugelsang weren't half as offensive as this asshole! I'd imagine that it's the easiest job in the world, but every week he manages to fuck up introducing the funniest videos from across this great land. Can you ruin the inherent hilarity in a woman smacking her face into a lightpost and then snapping it to the ground? He can, and for that I hate him!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Fun In The Classroom - No. 7
1. Fill your underwear with Rice Krispies cereal.
2. Halfway through class pee your pants.*
3. If asked, explain that you have no idea why snaps, crackles, and pops are coming from your crotch, but it has been itchy down there lately and you recently had unprotected sex with a stranger.
*Works best during an intense exam or other time when the room is silent.
2. Halfway through class pee your pants.*
3. If asked, explain that you have no idea why snaps, crackles, and pops are coming from your crotch, but it has been itchy down there lately and you recently had unprotected sex with a stranger.
*Works best during an intense exam or other time when the room is silent.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
TV's Educational Value!
Flipping through the channels and I saw a new commercial for Secret deodorant. Apparently they've reformulated with Secret Clinical Strength. The press release:
"New Secret® Clinical Strength is an antiperspirant clinically proven to provide prescription-strength wetness protection for the most demanding body chemistries. It contains a triple-action technology that provides three unique layers of protection."
I had no idea that there were prescription deodorants available but there really are! That is some pretty mind-blowing stuff. Somebody at the FDA had to sit down and decide that these deodorants were too intense for the general public and that only a doctor could give you permission to use them. I'm trying to imagine that doctor's visit.
Me: "Yeah, I have an appointment."
Receptionist: "What's the reason for your seeing doctor today?"
Me: "B.O."
Receptionist: "Would you please wait outside until doctor is ready to see you?"
More importantly thought, why is the prescription necessary? If used incorrectly, will your sweat glands sustain permanent damage? Is there a dependency issue where users start abusing the deodorant, putting it on three or even four times an hour? Can you smoke that shit and catch a buzz?
They definitely got my attention with their ad. I went to their website, read independent customer reviews, and even learned that it is aluminum free (yay!). Sounds very interesting and made me think about the deodorant I use. I pick stuff that smells good and has a colorful label. I never gave it much more thought than that. I think I'm going to have to pick up a stick of this stuff next time I'm out though. I'll change deodorants for a cheap high.
"New Secret® Clinical Strength is an antiperspirant clinically proven to provide prescription-strength wetness protection for the most demanding body chemistries. It contains a triple-action technology that provides three unique layers of protection."I had no idea that there were prescription deodorants available but there really are! That is some pretty mind-blowing stuff. Somebody at the FDA had to sit down and decide that these deodorants were too intense for the general public and that only a doctor could give you permission to use them. I'm trying to imagine that doctor's visit.
Me: "Yeah, I have an appointment."
Receptionist: "What's the reason for your seeing doctor today?"
Me: "B.O."
Receptionist: "Would you please wait outside until doctor is ready to see you?"
More importantly thought, why is the prescription necessary? If used incorrectly, will your sweat glands sustain permanent damage? Is there a dependency issue where users start abusing the deodorant, putting it on three or even four times an hour? Can you smoke that shit and catch a buzz?
They definitely got my attention with their ad. I went to their website, read independent customer reviews, and even learned that it is aluminum free (yay!). Sounds very interesting and made me think about the deodorant I use. I pick stuff that smells good and has a colorful label. I never gave it much more thought than that. I think I'm going to have to pick up a stick of this stuff next time I'm out though. I'll change deodorants for a cheap high.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Truth in Advertising
I went to a Chinese restaurant and got chopsticks.
The statement on the wrapper reminded me of my server.
Even the capitalization is way off.
The instructions on the back are direct and to the point:
Step number two (see arrow) is especially helpful.
The statement on the wrapper reminded me of my server.
Even the capitalization is way off.
The instructions on the back are direct and to the point:
Step number two (see arrow) is especially helpful.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 87
loading the dishwasher, phr., getting one's wife or live-in girlfriend drunk
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 86
got a lawn, phr., a phrase used to describe a person who has bought into suburban, middle-class life and/or has chosen to be a responsible adult at the expense of having fun
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Chicken of the Sea
I love Hamburger Helper! As I was cleaning out the cupboards yesterday, I found a large stash of Hamburger Helpers and the like tucked away in the corner, so for dinner tonight I made Tuna Helper.
As I was cooking, I got to thinking about the last time I had Tuna Helper. It's been quite awhile. I used to love Tuna Helper: it's much easier and cheaper to make than Hamburger or Chicken Helper but I would guess I haven't had Tuna Helper since I moved to Vegas. Really?
I thought about it and realized that I was correct, and in fact I haven't had any tuna products since I moved to Vegas. Why was that? I couldn't think of a reason for it. Tuna is so easy to prepare, it's healthy, and it never goes bad. Do they stock it in a strange aisle here? Is it hard to get in the desert? Did I forget it existed?
As I sat down to eat, the first bite quickly reminded me. I gave up on tuna a while ago. Tuna just hasn't tasted as good since they made it "Dolphin Safe." Why do they got to go and change a good thing? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
As I was cooking, I got to thinking about the last time I had Tuna Helper. It's been quite awhile. I used to love Tuna Helper: it's much easier and cheaper to make than Hamburger or Chicken Helper but I would guess I haven't had Tuna Helper since I moved to Vegas. Really?I thought about it and realized that I was correct, and in fact I haven't had any tuna products since I moved to Vegas. Why was that? I couldn't think of a reason for it. Tuna is so easy to prepare, it's healthy, and it never goes bad. Do they stock it in a strange aisle here? Is it hard to get in the desert? Did I forget it existed?
As I sat down to eat, the first bite quickly reminded me. I gave up on tuna a while ago. Tuna just hasn't tasted as good since they made it "Dolphin Safe." Why do they got to go and change a good thing? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 85
quail pipe, n., a woman's tongue
Taken from Nathan Bailey's Canting Dictionary, 1736. This book was published in London in 1737 and collected and defined language used by thieves, cheats, convicts, highwaymen, and other morally dubious characters.
Taken from Nathan Bailey's Canting Dictionary, 1736. This book was published in London in 1737 and collected and defined language used by thieves, cheats, convicts, highwaymen, and other morally dubious characters.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Double Standard
According to MySpace's Terms & Conditions for usage, hate speech is not allowed on their site. An excerpt:
Content/Activity Prohibited. The following is a partial list of the kind of Content that is illegal or prohibited to post on or through the MySpace Services. MySpace.com reserves the right to investigate and take appropriate legal action against anyone who, in MySpace.com's sole discretion, violates this provision, including without limitation, removing the offending communication from the MySpace Services and terminating the Membership of such violators. Prohibited Content includes, but is not limited to Content that, in the sole discretion of MySpace.com:
Content/Activity Prohibited. The following is a partial list of the kind of Content that is illegal or prohibited to post on or through the MySpace Services. MySpace.com reserves the right to investigate and take appropriate legal action against anyone who, in MySpace.com's sole discretion, violates this provision, including without limitation, removing the offending communication from the MySpace Services and terminating the Membership of such violators. Prohibited Content includes, but is not limited to Content that, in the sole discretion of MySpace.com:
- is patently offensive and promotes racism, bigotry, hatred or physical harm of any kind against any group or individual
You can read all their policies here: http://www.myspace.com/Modules/Common/Pages/TermsConditions.aspx
However, groups like **Fuck the KKK** (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/thekkksucks), International Anti-Nazi Organization (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/iano), and I Hate Racists (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/nocolor) are allowed to exist on MySpace with impunity. I sent a couple of emails to Tom and the staff pointing out these hate sites that were in violation of their policy but they are all still up. The only one that was taken down was the fourth one I pointed out to them: -The final solution-(neo-nazi organization) (Group URL: http://groups.myspace.com/finalsolutionnazis). It disappeared later the same day. Try going to this group's site and see for yourself.
My point is not that I'm a racist but that I believe in equality for ALL, not just some. If MySpace does not allow hate speech, then NO group that promotes hatred of another group of people should be allowed.
I realize that this site belongs to MySpace and it is up to their "sole discretion" as to what promotes hatred, but I think it is representative of a major flaw in the culture at large. In school, on the television, in the news, etc., we are repeatedly pounded with the idea that we must be tolerant of others. We may not agree with them, but it is simply "different strokes for different folks" and we must accept that. However, anyone who is intolerant will not be tolerated! That's the big exception to the rule and it seems everyone is comfortable with that. Isaiah Washington has been chastised and shunned by his fellow actors. Tim Hardaway was banned from NBA All-Star activities. Imus was fired from radio. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that there is something really wrong here? This is not tolerance that the culture is preaching; it is something else. Something twisted and intolerant.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Not only did they give me a degree...
UNLV also sent me this email. Can you spot the stupidity?
UNLV Senior Adult Theatre Program Presents "The Monodrama Project" May 23-27
The UNLV Senior Adult Theatre Program presents "The Monodrama Project," 10-minute, original one-person shows written by the playwright, at 8 p.m. May 23-26 and at 2 p.m. May 27 in the Paul Harris Theatre, located in the Alta Ham Fine Arts Building on the UNLV campus. Tickets are $5 and available at the UNLV Performing Arts Center Box Office or by calling 895-ARTS (2787).
Silly-willy school, plays are always written by the playwrights. Three cheers for the alma mater.
UNLV Senior Adult Theatre Program Presents "The Monodrama Project" May 23-27
The UNLV Senior Adult Theatre Program presents "The Monodrama Project," 10-minute, original one-person shows written by the playwright, at 8 p.m. May 23-26 and at 2 p.m. May 27 in the Paul Harris Theatre, located in the Alta Ham Fine Arts Building on the UNLV campus. Tickets are $5 and available at the UNLV Performing Arts Center Box Office or by calling 895-ARTS (2787).
Silly-willy school, plays are always written by the playwrights. Three cheers for the alma mater.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 84
cat-heads, n., a woman's breasts
Taken from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.
Taken from the book 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Francis Grose et al.
Monday, April 23, 2007
103 Questions
One of those stupid survey bulletins that people post. Thought I'd give it a try today. You may notice that there are not 103 questions here, but that's the way it came to me. Fucking surveys...
103 Questions People Wouldn't Ask
001. When's the last time you ran?
About half an hour ago; I-- keeps me running all day.
002. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Not really, unless you count the bottoms.
003. What are you reading right now?
Dante's Purgatorio.
004. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Fifth Amendment.
006. Favorite ice cream?
Daiquiri Ice
007. When was your last doctor's visit?
A few weeks ago
008. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Not usually.
010. "First Loves Are Never Over;" is this true for you?
I don't know; depends on my mood.
011. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
In a second just so I could get away from my current.
012. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would they find you wearing?
Boxers & a t-shirt
014. Have you ever been on your school's track team?
Yes.
015. Do you own a pair of Converse?
Yes.
017. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes!
018. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
Yes, and I'm proud to say I've done a lot worse to one also. But I never had sex with one if that's what you're thinking.
019. Last text message was from whom, and when?
Today from B---.
020. What are you doing right now?
Taking this survey. Ha, ha. Betcha never heard that one a million times.
021. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
No, I'm not fucking retarded.
022. How do you eat your Oreos?
Don't like Oreos although sometimes I'll eat the icing and throw the cookie away.
023. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
No, but I've stayed online for a very long time waiting to cum...but we've all done that.
024. Are you cocky?
Sometimes...especially if I've been drinking.
030. Could you live without a computer?
Yes.
031. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
No.
033. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real?
Fuck! About 20 seconds ago.
034. In your house- How many house phones:
4 and I've never answered a single one of them.
035. What do you do when you're sad?
Replace the lightbulb in the garage.
036. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Nobody because I hate the phone. I would leave my wife though!
037. Last time you saw your best friend?
A few days ago.
040. Who or what sleeps with you?
A--- and occassionally a baby or three.
041. Are you/have you ever been in love?
I have been in the past.
042. Pancakes or french toast?
Fench toast
043. How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled with cheese
044. Are you in high school?
No.
045. Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Oh yes! But don't worry, if you can read this then it is not you.
046. What jewelry are you wearing?
Does a cockring count?
047. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Check email.
049. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
No.
050. How do most people spell your name?
Correctly.
051. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes?
I do.
054. Where do you work?
All of me works except I do wear glasses.
056. What are you doing tomorrow?
Class. Maybe a vending machine.
057. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
How the fuck would I know?
058. Favorite name for a girl?
Ixy
059. Favorite name for a boy?
Ixy
060. Will you keep your own last name when you get married?
Yes, I did.
061. Your favorite restaurant you don't get to eat much at?
DeStefano's.
062. When is the last time you left your house?
Yesterday.
066. How do you eat your steak?
Medium
067. Do you return your cart?
Yes.
069. Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes, she's 10.
070. What noise do you hear?
Baby crying
071. Would you survive in prison?
Probably not.
072. Next concert you hope to go to?
Neil Young.
073. What was the last thing you ate?
A Triscuit.
075. Who is the youngest in your family?
S--.
076. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would be most likely to over pack?
J----.
077. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Yes. And people call him Brett.
078. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
4 or 5.
080. When is the last time you ate peanut butter?
I don't know.
082. What's for dinner?
Pasta
083. What's the last thing you purchased?
Gas.
084. Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you?
No.
087. What brand are your pants right now?
Hanes.
088. Ever been to Georgia?
Yes. Even have relatives there!
089. Did you do breakfast this morning?
No.
090. Do you like marshmallows?
Yes, and I love to roast.
091. What irritates you most on the internet?
Surveys that are deceptively titled "103 Questions People Wouldn't Ask" when there are less than 80 actual questions!!
092. What brand is your digital camera?
Sony
093. Do you watch movies with your parents?
No.
096. What song best describes your life right now?
I have no clue
097. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne?
Ha.
098. Are you taking college classes right now?
Yes.
101. Do you like sushi?
Yes.
102. Do you get your hair cut every month?
Nope, but I just did last week.
103. Do you go online everyday?
Almost. I'd definitely get online more often though if people would send me more surveys because that's exciting!
There! Feel free to take the survey yourself and post the results as a comment. Also be sure to send it to all your friends so they can read your answers and then take it themselves. If we work together, we can change the world through our conscientious survey taking!
103 Questions People Wouldn't Ask
001. When's the last time you ran?
About half an hour ago; I-- keeps me running all day.
002. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
Not really, unless you count the bottoms.
003. What are you reading right now?
Dante's Purgatorio.
004. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Fifth Amendment.
006. Favorite ice cream?
Daiquiri Ice
007. When was your last doctor's visit?
A few weeks ago
008. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
Not usually.
010. "First Loves Are Never Over;" is this true for you?
I don't know; depends on my mood.
011. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
In a second just so I could get away from my current.
012. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would they find you wearing?
Boxers & a t-shirt
014. Have you ever been on your school's track team?
Yes.
015. Do you own a pair of Converse?
Yes.
017. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes!
018. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
Yes, and I'm proud to say I've done a lot worse to one also. But I never had sex with one if that's what you're thinking.
019. Last text message was from whom, and when?
Today from B---.
020. What are you doing right now?
Taking this survey. Ha, ha. Betcha never heard that one a million times.
021. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
No, I'm not fucking retarded.
022. How do you eat your Oreos?
Don't like Oreos although sometimes I'll eat the icing and throw the cookie away.
023. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
No, but I've stayed online for a very long time waiting to cum...but we've all done that.
024. Are you cocky?
Sometimes...especially if I've been drinking.
030. Could you live without a computer?
Yes.
031. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
No.
033. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real?
Fuck! About 20 seconds ago.
034. In your house- How many house phones:
4 and I've never answered a single one of them.
035. What do you do when you're sad?
Replace the lightbulb in the garage.
036. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Nobody because I hate the phone. I would leave my wife though!
037. Last time you saw your best friend?
A few days ago.
040. Who or what sleeps with you?
A--- and occassionally a baby or three.
041. Are you/have you ever been in love?
I have been in the past.
042. Pancakes or french toast?
Fench toast
043. How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled with cheese
044. Are you in high school?
No.
045. Is anyone on your bad side right now?
Oh yes! But don't worry, if you can read this then it is not you.
046. What jewelry are you wearing?
Does a cockring count?
047. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Check email.
049. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
No.
050. How do most people spell your name?
Correctly.
051. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes?
I do.
054. Where do you work?
All of me works except I do wear glasses.
056. What are you doing tomorrow?
Class. Maybe a vending machine.
057. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
How the fuck would I know?
058. Favorite name for a girl?
Ixy
059. Favorite name for a boy?
Ixy
060. Will you keep your own last name when you get married?
Yes, I did.
061. Your favorite restaurant you don't get to eat much at?
DeStefano's.
062. When is the last time you left your house?
Yesterday.
066. How do you eat your steak?
Medium
067. Do you return your cart?
Yes.
069. Do you have a dishwasher?
Yes, she's 10.
070. What noise do you hear?
Baby crying
071. Would you survive in prison?
Probably not.
072. Next concert you hope to go to?
Neil Young.
073. What was the last thing you ate?
A Triscuit.
075. Who is the youngest in your family?
S--.
076. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would be most likely to over pack?
J----.
077. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Yes. And people call him Brett.
078. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
4 or 5.
080. When is the last time you ate peanut butter?
I don't know.
082. What's for dinner?
Pasta
083. What's the last thing you purchased?
Gas.
084. Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you?
No.
087. What brand are your pants right now?
Hanes.
088. Ever been to Georgia?
Yes. Even have relatives there!
089. Did you do breakfast this morning?
No.
090. Do you like marshmallows?
Yes, and I love to roast.
091. What irritates you most on the internet?
Surveys that are deceptively titled "103 Questions People Wouldn't Ask" when there are less than 80 actual questions!!
092. What brand is your digital camera?
Sony
093. Do you watch movies with your parents?
No.
096. What song best describes your life right now?
I have no clue
097. Do you own expensive perfume/cologne?
Ha.
098. Are you taking college classes right now?
Yes.
101. Do you like sushi?
Yes.
102. Do you get your hair cut every month?
Nope, but I just did last week.
103. Do you go online everyday?
Almost. I'd definitely get online more often though if people would send me more surveys because that's exciting!
There! Feel free to take the survey yourself and post the results as a comment. Also be sure to send it to all your friends so they can read your answers and then take it themselves. If we work together, we can change the world through our conscientious survey taking!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Button, button. Who's got the button?
In a newer elevator I found:
I need to know what it does! Could it be that we've harvested the power of mother nature? Would it drop California into the sea? Am I on Candid Camera? I so wanted to push it, but I am already responsible for one earthquake (don't ask) and I don't think my conscience could handle a second one. Still, if anyone's bored and wants to go on a short field trip with me...
I need to know what it does! Could it be that we've harvested the power of mother nature? Would it drop California into the sea? Am I on Candid Camera? I so wanted to push it, but I am already responsible for one earthquake (don't ask) and I don't think my conscience could handle a second one. Still, if anyone's bored and wants to go on a short field trip with me...
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 83
redd up, v., to clean or put things in order; to tidy up
(Comes from northern WV, eastern OH, and western PA area slang)
(Comes from northern WV, eastern OH, and western PA area slang)
Monday, March 26, 2007
10 Things You May Not Know About Me
1. I agree with the pizza box which says that Papa John's Gift Cards are great gifts for any occassion.
2. Pink was my favorite color for a number of years because I misunderstood a line in Superman the Movie. (It was the underwear he was talking about.)
3. I am in love with Rachel Miner.
4. I still have never punched out Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out even though I told my friends that I did.
5. I thought tissues could be flushed away the same way toilet paper can be until just a few years ago.
6. I really wanted to be a Marine for a number of years.
7. My favorite number is -5.
8. I estimate the I have spent well over 372 hours considering the problems and flaws with time travel as presented in the Back to the Future trilogy.
9. When I get drunk, I love to confess things.
10. I am drunk right now.
2. Pink was my favorite color for a number of years because I misunderstood a line in Superman the Movie. (It was the underwear he was talking about.)
3. I am in love with Rachel Miner.
4. I still have never punched out Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out even though I told my friends that I did.
5. I thought tissues could be flushed away the same way toilet paper can be until just a few years ago.
6. I really wanted to be a Marine for a number of years.
7. My favorite number is -5.
8. I estimate the I have spent well over 372 hours considering the problems and flaws with time travel as presented in the Back to the Future trilogy.
9. When I get drunk, I love to confess things.
10. I am drunk right now.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 82
Adam's Pajamas or Adam's P.J.'s, n., synonym for the nude human body; the state of complete nudity (from gay slang)
Monday, March 12, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Twins
The twins are coming soon but they haven't come yet. I hope they come tonight.
Even more specifically, I hope they are born close to midnight, with one being born before 12 and the other being born after. This way they will be twins with two different birthdays.
This is not a completely unique or an original idea, as I've actually met a twin born 10 minutes before his brother and on a different day because of the whole midnight thing. However, today is very special because it is February 28, and that means if one is born today and the other on March 1 then on leap years there will be an entire day between the two. That does sound like fun and unique.
Even better, the twins will turn 21 in the year 2028. That is a leap year. The first twin would legally be allowed to drink, go to bars, and gamble a full 48 hours before the other! How's that for sibling rivalry?
Even more specifically, I hope they are born close to midnight, with one being born before 12 and the other being born after. This way they will be twins with two different birthdays.
This is not a completely unique or an original idea, as I've actually met a twin born 10 minutes before his brother and on a different day because of the whole midnight thing. However, today is very special because it is February 28, and that means if one is born today and the other on March 1 then on leap years there will be an entire day between the two. That does sound like fun and unique.
Even better, the twins will turn 21 in the year 2028. That is a leap year. The first twin would legally be allowed to drink, go to bars, and gamble a full 48 hours before the other! How's that for sibling rivalry?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Stroking My Ego
Some things you may not know about me but probably should.
I counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.
If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.
I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.
I can unscramble an egg.
My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".
I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.
I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.
My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.
When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.
I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.
I lost my virginity before my dad did.
I do not sleep. I wait.
I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.
I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.
I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
What an unoriginal bastard I am.
I counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.
If I am ever late, time better slow the fuck down.
I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with my waitress.
I can unscramble an egg.
My penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of my colossal erections. This is known as the "Brett big cock theory of space-time".
I have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq. However I didn't feel like calling him back.
I sleep with a night light. Not because I'm afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.
My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried.
When I have sex with a man, it is not because I am gay, but because I have run out of women.
I don't read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.
I lost my virginity before my dad did.
I do not sleep. I wait.
I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.
I use ribbed condoms inside out, so I get the pleasure.
I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
What an unoriginal bastard I am.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Grammar 101
What's wrong with this article?
Spears Out of Rehab Again
Spears Out of Rehab Again
"Troubled pop star Britney Spears has reportedly left a rehabilitation facility in Malibu, California, less than 24 hours after checking in. This is the second time in a week that the star has left a treatment center after less than one day - according to news website Tmz.com, Spears left Promises treatment Center early yesterday morning. According to further media reports, Spears tried to get into a tattoo parlor before returning to her home, but the shop was closed. On Friday, she shaved her head bald at a hair salon and then hit the Body & Soul Tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks, California, where she got a pink, black and white cross on her hip and pink and red lips on her wrist. She checked herself into Crossroads Center, a treatment facility founded by musician Eric Clapton last Wednesday, only to check out the following day."I'll give you a hint, the Crossroads Centre has been around longer than a week. I teach my students the importance of commas and word order, but you'd think that a writer for an internationally syndicated news network would already know this stuff.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Target Audience
The waste that is produced from marketing by mail appalls me. Not only do I have to throw away handfuls of ads every time I open my mailbox, but half of them are addressed to some guy named "Current Resident" who doesn't even live here!
Sometimes, however, I am more surprised by what is addressed to me. Take this postcard for example:
So I called and they hung up on me. I think it was comment about bleeding like a stuck pig with the Stigmata of Christ and ruining my white polyester pants. The lady on the phone didn't believe me.
Sometimes, however, I am more surprised by what is addressed to me. Take this postcard for example:
Yes, that came for me. Why? I've never had a period nor do I expect to get one and if I did I've decided I'd have a light to moderate flow anyway. The only criteria I fit is that I am between 18 and 49 years old.
So I called and they hung up on me. I think it was comment about bleeding like a stuck pig with the Stigmata of Christ and ruining my white polyester pants. The lady on the phone didn't believe me.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Ending Hunger in America
People should not go hungry in the US. Ever! In fact, if you are over the age of 16 it's downright impossible. If you ever find yourself without food or means to buy food, you could kill someone. After you turn yourself in, you will receive free food and lodging.
(Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. Brett is not suggesting you commit a crime in order to eat, simply pointing out that it is one way to avoid starvation.)
(Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. Brett is not suggesting you commit a crime in order to eat, simply pointing out that it is one way to avoid starvation.)
Monday, February 19, 2007
Slang Project- Entry No. 81
winter bush
1. n., a politically correct alternative term for "Christmas tree"
2. n., a politically incorrect term for extra hair growth a woman has in her bikini area and the top of her thighs during the cold season because she knows she will not be wearing shorts for the next 4 months
1. n., a politically correct alternative term for "Christmas tree"
2. n., a politically incorrect term for extra hair growth a woman has in her bikini area and the top of her thighs during the cold season because she knows she will not be wearing shorts for the next 4 months
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Wikipedia
It seems like it's getting harder and harder to find a fucked up article on Wikipedia. I remember only a few years ago when the most popular articles were vandalized on a daily basis, but now it seems like a pretty legit site. Someone's been taking care of it.
For the first time in about three months I came across a messed up entry. Three whole months without a misstep! I love 'em and kinda miss 'em, so here it is. Enjoy.
The entry is Carvel.
(Just in case it has been changed, I've pasted the article below.)
Carvel is an ice cream franchise owned by FOCUS Brands, Inc. – Carvel is well-known for its soft serve ice cream, its round Flying titties ice cream gangbang, and its ice cream cakes (including Fudgie the Cock, Hug-Me Penis, and Cookie Pussy - only available in the franchised stores). In addition to their franchised locations, Celebration Foods produces ice cream cakes for supermarket sales; however, the cakes destined for the supermarkets are produced in a factory, warehoused and shipped all over the country, and as such are not as fresh as those found in franchise stores. The stores can also customize their freshly made cakes in a variety of ways, such as flavor changes or putting photo images on cakes.
Carvel traces its origins to 1929, when founder Tom Carvel began operating an ice cream truck. When the truck broke down in Hartsdale, New York in 1934, Carvel set up shop at the site of the breakdown and by 1936, he had founded the Carvel Corporation and developed a secret soft-serve ice cream formula containing male ejaculant for extra yummy flavor.
Carvel is headquartered in Atlanta, GA. If you are a nigger we don't like you. (Current as of 9:35pm on 2/18/7)
FYI - I had nothing to do with the entry. I really love to surf Wikipedia, but I have yet to add anything to the site. Just reporting what I found.
For the first time in about three months I came across a messed up entry. Three whole months without a misstep! I love 'em and kinda miss 'em, so here it is. Enjoy.
The entry is Carvel.
(Just in case it has been changed, I've pasted the article below.)
Carvel is an ice cream franchise owned by FOCUS Brands, Inc. – Carvel is well-known for its soft serve ice cream, its round Flying titties ice cream gangbang, and its ice cream cakes (including Fudgie the Cock, Hug-Me Penis, and Cookie Pussy - only available in the franchised stores). In addition to their franchised locations, Celebration Foods produces ice cream cakes for supermarket sales; however, the cakes destined for the supermarkets are produced in a factory, warehoused and shipped all over the country, and as such are not as fresh as those found in franchise stores. The stores can also customize their freshly made cakes in a variety of ways, such as flavor changes or putting photo images on cakes.
Carvel traces its origins to 1929, when founder Tom Carvel began operating an ice cream truck. When the truck broke down in Hartsdale, New York in 1934, Carvel set up shop at the site of the breakdown and by 1936, he had founded the Carvel Corporation and developed a secret soft-serve ice cream formula containing male ejaculant for extra yummy flavor.
Carvel is headquartered in Atlanta, GA. If you are a nigger we don't like you. (Current as of 9:35pm on 2/18/7)
FYI - I had nothing to do with the entry. I really love to surf Wikipedia, but I have yet to add anything to the site. Just reporting what I found.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Anna Nicole
When I first heard the news Thursday night, I was happy. No, I was really happy. I was super duper happy. Good riddance to bad garbage. It always embarassed me when I saw her on TV because I knew that she probably evolved from the same apes that the rest of us did.
However, upon some reflection, I've started changing my mind about it all. Five days later and she is still monopolizing all the News outlets and that is really sad. Do we need an E! Special already? I wish she was still alive so she could just fade away into oblivion like any other decent no-talent piece of shit media whore would. RIP.
The stunning Anna Nicole at the peak of her "career."
Monday, February 12, 2007
Shazam!
I don't read many comic books, but I still have my favorites from when I was a kid. I loved Excaliber, She-Hulk, and all incarnations of Flash Gordon, and whenever I go into a comic book store I love to see what classics they've got. Another title I check up on is Shazam! I loved Shazam! when I was younger, especially the Saturday morning cartoon.
Shazam! is the name of the series, but the hero's name is actually Captain Marvel. When DC comics bought the rights to this comic in the 70's from a defunct Fawcett Publishing and started the series back up after a hiatus of 30 years, Marvel Comics had already trademarked the name and Shazam! became the new comic title. It's tough to find the older comic (Captain Marvel) but I recently found an issue from the 1940's and was surprised by the cover.
I cannot believe how prevalent and accepted racism was by my grandparents' generation. They were called the Greatest Generation but somehow the name doesn't quite seem appropriate.
Shazam! is the name of the series, but the hero's name is actually Captain Marvel. When DC comics bought the rights to this comic in the 70's from a defunct Fawcett Publishing and started the series back up after a hiatus of 30 years, Marvel Comics had already trademarked the name and Shazam! became the new comic title. It's tough to find the older comic (Captain Marvel) but I recently found an issue from the 1940's and was surprised by the cover.
I cannot believe how prevalent and accepted racism was by my grandparents' generation. They were called the Greatest Generation but somehow the name doesn't quite seem appropriate.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Slang Project - Entry No. 80
texan, n., a man with a large penis, usually over 7" but this can vary according to individual experience
(Note that "texan" used in this way is not capitalized.)
(Note that "texan" used in this way is not capitalized.)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Etymology of a Boyfriend
Younger brothers and sisters seem to race through significant others faster than cell phone minutes, so I never bother learning their names until they've been around for at least three major holidays. Kodiak, my sister's current boyfriend, is an exception because I've already committed his name to memory and I only just met him at Christmas.
His real name is T.W., but we (Rain and I, that is) call him Kodiak. I think what makes him stand out is how he got his name from us.
I've know a few T.J.'s, two B.J.'s, three T.S.'s, a J.T., a J.R., a D.J., and even a C.W. from high school, but I've never even heard of a T.W. Neither have most people and it was hard trying to remember this especially after a hefty dose of eggnog. Christmas Eve consisted of quite a few mix-ups when relatives and I tried to address him. He was called by every one of the above initial names and just about every other combination of two letters you can make from our alphabet.
By Christmas morning, his name had morphed into three letters. DDT, IBM, AAA, NIN, etc. Somebody once even called him 4-H Club, but the name that stuck was ATV.
A day or two went by and ATV turned into brand names. All week he was either Kawasaki or Honda. He was Yamaha by New Year's Eve. And after the champagne cork broke the chandelier, Yamaha turned into Kodiak because Kodiak is the name of the big Yamaha ATV.
So TW is now Kodiak and whether he sticks around or not, we will remember him.
His real name is T.W., but we (Rain and I, that is) call him Kodiak. I think what makes him stand out is how he got his name from us.
I've know a few T.J.'s, two B.J.'s, three T.S.'s, a J.T., a J.R., a D.J., and even a C.W. from high school, but I've never even heard of a T.W. Neither have most people and it was hard trying to remember this especially after a hefty dose of eggnog. Christmas Eve consisted of quite a few mix-ups when relatives and I tried to address him. He was called by every one of the above initial names and just about every other combination of two letters you can make from our alphabet.
By Christmas morning, his name had morphed into three letters. DDT, IBM, AAA, NIN, etc. Somebody once even called him 4-H Club, but the name that stuck was ATV.
A day or two went by and ATV turned into brand names. All week he was either Kawasaki or Honda. He was Yamaha by New Year's Eve. And after the champagne cork broke the chandelier, Yamaha turned into Kodiak because Kodiak is the name of the big Yamaha ATV.
So TW is now Kodiak and whether he sticks around or not, we will remember him.
Friday, February 09, 2007
PETA
The other day a friend came out to me as being a member of PETA. Now I admit I had always suspected it but I tried my best to avoid actually knowing. I immediately went into mourning and during one of my crying fits I remembered the letter PETA had sent me about a month ago. It was a survey.
So I filled it out as best I could, but something irked me. Mainly, the second side:
What a bunch of assholes! They don't even give you a choice for Question 10. As you can see I had to hand write my answer because the only boxes for checking assume you answer "Yes." To top it all off, they have the nerve to give a "FREE" gift of a subscription and a book for $16. Free for $16. What the fuck?! It's stupid shit like this that keeps me wearing fur.
*Please note that I answered "Possibly" to Question 9 only because of the "particularly if there were health benefits" part.
So I filled it out as best I could, but something irked me. Mainly, the second side:
What a bunch of assholes! They don't even give you a choice for Question 10. As you can see I had to hand write my answer because the only boxes for checking assume you answer "Yes." To top it all off, they have the nerve to give a "FREE" gift of a subscription and a book for $16. Free for $16. What the fuck?! It's stupid shit like this that keeps me wearing fur.
*Please note that I answered "Possibly" to Question 9 only because of the "particularly if there were health benefits" part.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Superbowl Party
I was invited to a Superbowl party and got all excited. I love parties and Superbowl parties are the best! I couldn't wait for this weekend! Finally good times!
But then the invitation was suddenly rescinded. All my friends are gonna be there but I can't go. I'm sad.
But then the invitation was suddenly rescinded. All my friends are gonna be there but I can't go. I'm sad.
GI Joe
If I had to have sex with a GI Joe, again I mean if my life and the lives of those people I care about depended on it, I'd fuck Zandar, brother of the better known Zartan. Zandar is always dressed to party with the trademark baby blue handband and showing off those beautiful six-pack abs. Sure he has a temper, but not a bad one, and since big brother Zartan is almost always around and just as cute, a threesome is a distinct possiblility. Yum!
Zandar
Zartan
FYI - Zartan has a condition that causes his skin to turn green in direct sunlight. How many people can say they had sex with a green person? I'd be one.