Monday, July 23, 2007

Finally I Got Her Good

"I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?" she asks.

Where do I begin? I can't say anything. I tell myself to hold my tongue; I even bite deep into the sides of it, possibly drawing blood, so nothing can accidentially roll off, but before she can leave I hear myself. "We're out of A.1." Goddammit! Please don't hear that.

"Okay," she answers and that is that.

An hour or two later: What do I get when she gets home? KC Masters Honey BBQ Sauce.

"Where's the A.1.?" I ask.

"The other was cheaper."

"But it's not A.1."

"It's the same thing. It was cheaper."

There is no A.1. until I do the shopping the next week and get it myself. The KC Masters crap is still unopened in our cupboard like so many other food stuffs Angie bought on sale. So much for saving money.

Sadly, this is my life. When Angie shops:

I ask for a porterhouse or filet and she brings home a chopped steak.
I ask for papertowels and she brings picnic napkins.
I ask for Gatorade and she brings apple juice.
I ask for provolone and she gets pepperjack.
And so on and so on.

Why? It was cheaper. It was on sale. It's really just the same thing. One of these three answers every time.

I went shopping yesterday. Before I left, I asked, "Do you need anything?"

"Tampons."

"Anything else."

"No. Just alot of them."

When I got home, she went through the bags and asked where the tampons were. "Did you forget them? 'Cause I really need the now."

"Yeah, they're in the chips bag."

She dug in the bag and then dropped it on the table, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me, unamused.

"What's that," she asked.

"Your tampons."

"There are no tampons in that bag."

"Yeah, I got you cotton balls and twine. Alot of them. It was cheaper." And they were.

I'm sleeping in the attic tonight, but that's okay. I'm also in charge of laundry tomorrow but I don't mind. I think I won. I'm willing to take bets that the next time I ask her for mayo there is no chance that she is going to return with a jar of Miracle Whip. Is it worth it? Goddamn right it's worth it. Who the fuck would use Miracle Whip for anything except jacking off with and I much prefer Crisco. And only I buy the Crisco, that's the way it's always been and always will be.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Fun In The Classroom - No. 8

NOTE: This prank is for teachers/professors to play on a student.

Every semester you have at least one of those students who goes to the bathroom almost every class period. It doesn't matter whether your teaching a 2 hour class or a 50 minute class, he/she leaves right in the middle of your lecture to use the lavatory. Here's how to get back at him/her:

1. At the end of the day when all classes are finished and there are no more students in the building, go to the restroom that the offending student would use.
2. Make sure that the restroom is empty. (You could be arrested if it isn't.)
3. Video tape the empty restroom for about 5 minutes, trying to get the widest, highest angle possible. (If it is a single toilet restrooom, point the camera at that toilet.)4. The next time you have class and the student leaves to use the restroom, play the video you recorded and instruct the class to laugh at the student when he/she returns.
5. As the student re-enters the classroom, quickly turn off the video, quiet the other students, and resume lecturing.

*If the student tries to question you about what has just happened, inform him/her that it is his/her responsibility to get the notes from another student after class.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Slang Project - Entry No. 92

bladder basher, n., a large penis (British slang)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Strange News

Was surfing MSNBC and came across this article:

NAACP delegates 'bury' N-word in ceremony

A very strange stunt. You think they would've finally buried the "C-word" because who calls African-Americans "colored" anymore but instead the went for "National." Reading the article confused me even more, but I guess they are upset with our country, probably because of Bush's leadership.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said, "We gather burying all the things that go with the N-word. We have to bury the 'pimps' and the 'hos' that go with it." What a dim view of America. The US is so much more than that. What about all the positive things like McDonald's or Walmart. I'll admit some things are going downhill, but I don't know anyone who would automatically associate "National" with "pimps" and "hos." Mayor Kilpatrick went on to say, "Die, N-word, and we don't want to see you 'round here no more."

Wow.

Heads up to my readers, remember that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is now the Association for the Advancement of Colored People or AACP.And they seem very serious about not being associated with the N-word so watch out when addressing them.

Also, doesn't it seem weird that they print "National" sometimes but then use "N-word" at others? I wish they'd be consistent.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Slang Project - Entry No. 91

Sawbones, n., a physician or, more specifically, a surgeon

"The people who had turned out were the girl's own family; and pretty soon, the doctor, for whom she had been sent put in his appearance. Well, the child was not much the worse, more frightened, according to the Sawbones; and there you might have supposed would be an end to it." (Robert Lewis Stevenson, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 1886)

"What, don't you know what a Sawbones is, Sir," enquired Mr. Weller; "I thought everybody know'd as a Sawbones was a Surgeon." (Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1837)

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Chinese Menu

Not to pick on the Chinese, but this menu just seems beyond careless:



1. Okay, so they missed a space between "of" and "soup."



2. Paultry does not sound yummy.



3. Not a mistake, just such a great name for a dish that I had to point it out.



4. Trple? I feel cheated.



5. Admittedly this is very picky, but a period needs to go after "Thurs" and no period is needed after "Sunday."




6. A comlination? And what is in "wonto" soup?



7. Mmm, tasty "beveraye." Sounds French.

FYI, "Shirley Temple" is Sprite with grenadine syrup; "Sherry Temple" is a girl with stringy hair that I used to finger-bang.

Is it really a virgin daiquiri if there is strawBEERy in it? (Now that is a very lame joke, and you are welcomed to make fun of me for it!)



In their defense, the food is good.