Monday, July 31, 2006

To Do Before I Die - No. 28

A lot of people that I know who have cats keep the litter box in the bathroom. This makes perfect sense to me; let's keep all waste in the same place. It's also convenient in keeping offensive smells, animal and human, trapped in one room rather than floating throughout the house. Please note that there is no sarcasm in my voice, and as you read on, you'll realize that I really wish everyone did this as it would afford me more opportunities to fulfill my wish.

Someday before I die, I want to go to a party where the host has a litter box in the bathroom. When no one is looking, I'll slip inside, turn on the fan, and lock the door behind me. Then, rather than use the toilet, I will take a shit in the litter box. Hopefully this will all happen quickly so that I can also slip out unnoticed and rejoin the partying.

Later in the evening, I will hope for someone to say something. If no one gets drunk enough to point it out, I'll have to do it myself.

"Say Chuck, I was just in your bathroom. How big is your cat?"

"What do you mean, Brett?"

"There's an awfully big turd in that litter box. It must not be a kitten."

Then the whole party will move to the bathroom to look. They'll say, "Wow, Chuck! Brett's right. I hope your cat's not loose in the house anywhere." or "Holy Mary Mother of God! What do you feed that thing?"

I always wanted to be at a party where my shit was the center of attention. This would afford me that opportunity without any of the embarassment that would go along with me shitting my pants or the anger that would come with me taking a dump on the host's couch. As an added bonus, any cat owner can attest to the fact that clean-up would also be a snap.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

More Envelopes

Do envelopes like these look familiar?



I hate getting credit card ads in the mail. On the news, they tell us that we must shred these unwanted applications or risk having thieves steal our identities. I didn't ask for that responsibility, did you?

If you have some extra free time (which you obviously do if you're wasting your time reading blogs on Myspace), you can get back at these companies for exposing you to identity theft by hitting them where it hurts: their wallets. The way these postage paid business reply envelopes work is that the company that issues them has made an arrangement with the US Postal Service where they must pay the postage on all envelopes that they receive back.

So instead of just throwing the envelope away, drop it in the mail. The company has to pay for the empty envelope whether they like it or not and your garbage bag is that much lighter. Better yet, throw some other garbage in the envelope like the grocery circulars or other credit card ads because the fact of the matter is that the credit card company pays for the postage based on weight so the heavier the envelope, the more money they have to lay out for bothering you. I've gotten a little creative in the past and put lead fishing weights into some of the envelopes to try and break the dollar postage mark, but what you need to remember is that every little bit counts. Sure, a $4 envelope is wonderful revenge, but just as good are 10 empty ones becasue they'll still have to spend the time opening each and every one of them. I like to imagine them opening up my envelopes and calling the supervisor over in disbelief. He'll put his hands on his hips and shake his head before patting the employee on the back saying, "They got us again. This keeps up and you and I'll be out of a job." Good riddance.

Legal disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Neither Brett nor his ensigns condone the type of behavior described above and all readers are asked not to try this at home. Thank you and fuck the greedy credti card companies

Saturday, July 29, 2006

ADA Compliant?

Recently, Wells Fargo sent me a courtesy return envelope. Postage was not prepaid but, lucky for me, instructions were provided.

A close up:

Silly me, I almost put the stamp inside. Thank you Wells Fargo!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Slang Project - Entry No. 69

96 or ninety-six, n., a sexual act where after a couple finishes performing a 69 on each other they both roll over and defecate into each other's hair (usually occurs after spending many years with the same partner as an attempt to either "spice things up" or vent grievances)

Friday, July 21, 2006

5 Questions

Long drives leave alot of time for thinking. Here are a couple questions I've been pondering. If you can help answer them, I'd appreciate it.

1. Do penguins taste more like chicken or more like fish?

2. Does albino porn exist?

3. Did any of the 16 survivors of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 face criminal charges for eating their deceased companions?

4. If leukemia causes the body to overproduce white blood cells and AIDS destroys white blood cells, what happens to a person who has both diseases?

5. Is there a museum of gynecological history?

(The stamp in this post was issued in Uruguay as a memorial to Flight 571)

Monday, July 17, 2006

On my way to see a friend today, I stopped in Green River, Wyoming, and visited their local museum. Out front is a statue of Major John Wesley Powell, Civil War hero and Green River explorer. The statue is missing an arm but it turns out that it isn't the result of some high school prank - Powell lost his arm in the war. I haven't come across any statues of amputees before and would like to see more if you know where I can find them.From the plaque below the statue:

From Green River, Wyoming on May 24, 1869 Major John Wesley Powell and a group of voyagers set out to discover the mysteries of one of the last undiscovered regions in the continental United States the Green and Colorado Rivers. Powell was a disabled veteran who lost his right arm in the Civil War. Later he turned to exploration, and in 1869 and 1871 led crews down the rivers and through the Grand Canyon.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Slang Project - Entry No. 68

quasar, n., a person who has committed television programming schedules to memory (prison slang)

Monday, July 10, 2006

Brothel Art Museum

I guess I can blame it on my new bookmark or maybe it's the intense heat of the last week or maybe it's something else that I just can't put my finger on but either way I just can't get it out of my mind so today before I even knew what was going on I found myself enroute, and enroute at an unsafe speed at that, but enroute nonetheless to that other desert paradise outside of Vegas, the somewhat respectable town of Pahrump. Upon my arrival, I found my map...


Don't let the intriguing sign get your hopes too high. Although it may be a one-of-a-kind experience, if you want to know what to really expect read this article from the Las Vegas Review Journal.

Less than 15 minutes later...


No one in sight and only one other car in the parking lot. This could be perfect. I was happy I brought my own paper towels.

Inside...

More of a "history of" via newspaper clippings as opposed to "Brothel Art." I only found one pair of tits on display in the whole exhibit but unlike the women down the street, the entry to the museum is free so it wasn't all bad. It took about 5 minutes to thoroughly take it all in which is longer than I would've lasted at Mabel's anyway. Score one more for Nevada - I love living here!!!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Slang Project - Entry No. 67

Kodak courage, n., heightened bravery brought on by the presence of an audience or camera (usually used disparagingly)

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Slang Project - Entry No. 66

aardvarking, v., consensual sexual relations with an ex-lover simply for the purpose of physical gratification

Friday, July 07, 2006

My New Bookmark

Not exactly sure where it came from, but I found this the other day tucked away in a book:


Strange that it has a 702 number because that is the area code for Clark County. The Sagebrush is located in Lyon County at the other end of the state. That county's area code is 775.

More worthless info about the Sagebrush:

-Made a headline in the Las Vegas Sun on October 27, 1999: Fire at Sagebrush Ranch brothel east of Carson. Full article can be found here.
-Has its own entry on Wikipedia.
-And of course they have their own website. Google it if you want.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Slang Project - Entry No. 65

petit mort, n., an orgasm (from the French phrase literally meaning "little death")